Pop seemed as surprised by my admission as I was. I’ve never shared anything so intimate with him before, not of a romantic nature at any rate. But if I can’t say it to him, who can I tell?
“When you say this person was goading you, what do you mean by that?”
“It’s nothing bad. I just think he knew what he was going to do before he did it. Which means he’s very intelligent. He’s also sneaky. He started a war with me while I was in the midst of another. I didn’t watch my six because I didn’t know I needed to.” He's another Sun Tzu disciple; I'll bet.
Somehow knowing this guy had a mind like mine put me more at ease. He wouldn’t easily harm someone, not with those ideals, not unless he was psychopathic, and since Pop had met him and found him to be trustworthy, I’m saying a no to that.
My excitement as we reached her house was twofold. One, I was finally accepting that this was real, that I would be seeing her if not now, then soon. And there was also the excitement of seeing her for this first time in this new dawn of awakening, having the chance to tell her that I’m sorry, to beg forgiveness for realizing too late that I did her wrong and that I should never have sent her away.
I’m not sure when I’d made up my mind not to end myself. Not sure when I felt the freedom to feel that way. Was it at the dinner table with Martin when he asked me those questions about Natalia? Or was it when I read those words I’ve found Gia? Now I just have to find a way to take Ricci out and be okay with living with having the blood of the man whose blood flows in my veins on my hands.
“Pop, I wanna live.” He hugged me so hard I thought he would crack a rib.
“Thank you. Is it because of Gia?”
“That’s part of it. Part of it’s wanting to get to know you without the specter of death hanging over me. I want to be happy; I want to live as if I’m loved or worthy of it. I want to make Gianna smile; I want to make up the past two years to her. I want it all, Pop.”
He was smiling, happy, gay, and then I had to burst his bubble. “But you’re still not allowed to take out Ricci until I give the go-ahead.”
“Ah son, let’s just….”
“No deal, Pop. I may have given up on the idea of taking myself out, but that’s still something I’m gonna have to deal with.”
“Apart from that, his punishment should still come from me. We can’t let Sal do it for the same reasons you didn’t want me to. Men only kill their sons mercilessly in the movies unless they’re monsters. No man wants to take the life of the little boy he watched grow up. The little boy before he became a monster is what would stay with him.” I can give Sal that much.
“So, what do you suggest?”
“Let me think about it. I’ll let the old man know at some point that I’m fine.” I tried the doorbell and nothing. There was no car in the driveway, so it was easy to tell there was no one there. “Let’s go home.” I needed to get to my computer in a closed room so I could go hunting. If this person was about to play a game of cat and mouse, I needed to be on my A-game.
Maybe this was another part of the test. Maybe he was seeing if I had the stamina or even the maturity to endure the wait, knowing that she’d been found. He cannot know; no one can, except me, the deep regret I have for the way things ended: the guilt that lingers every day and the disgust with myself.
I’d been selfish, a user, a monster. I’d done to her what everyone else of note in her life had done; I’d left. I had something more important to take care of than her. That’s the message I’d unknowingly sent, even though she has no knowledge of my reasons. I almost tripped over my own feet at the sudden thought that hit me.
“Pop, I think I cheated on Gianna.”
“What? When? With whom?”
“Not who, it’s not a person, but an ideal. I put my need for revenge before her feelings. And though it was not my intention, the result is the same. I didn’t put her first; I truly am a monster.”
“No, you’re not. Son, you’re the smartest person I know, except for when it comes to yourself.”
“What if she doesn’t forgive me?”
“How many times a day do I tell you I love you?”