I sigh. I’ve been trying to concentrate on reading my book for the last hour, but I haven’t gotten past the first page. Every time I try to get into it, my mind drifts to his handsome face. He makes me weak in the knees without even trying. I guess now I understand what it’s like to really want something because I never did before.
I was waiting for the guy of my dreams to show up and teach me what it means to love someone…
And now that he’s come into my life, my entire world has turned upside down.
How do people live like this? Drowning in their feelings like they’re in the middle of an ocean all the time? Yesterday, I couldn’t picture living my life for someone else, putting them before anything. But now, I know that I’d drop everything in a heartbeat for Nate, no matter the consequences.
I squirm at my thoughts.
Am I crazy? I barely know this guy. He’s just my dad’s friend who gave me a personal tour around his boat because I happen to be staying on it. He has no personal interest in me at all.
I’m just a girl half his age with a dumb crush. If I told him everything I’m feeling right now, he’d probably laugh in my face.
But I know this is real.
I know I’ve never felt more alive than since I met him. He’s jump started my heart and brought me back to life. So what am I supposed to do with these feelings? How am I supposed to proceed from here?
I already know the answer to that question. I’m not supposed to do anything. I’m supposed to carry on my holiday like normal and forget about Nate. Because nothing good can come from these feelings.
They’re too complicated.
Even if by some miracle he did feel an inkling of something for me, it surely couldn’t be as strong as what I feel. And even if it was, what then? We could have a whirlwind affair on the privacy of his boat. Then we’d get back to land and have to pretend like none of it ever happened…
Or my dad would kill us both.
I almost laugh out loud at the thoughts running through my head.
I must be crazy to think of doing anything that would upset my dad so much. He didn’t even want me coming on this trip. If I came home with an older man on my arm - his best friend, nonetheless - he would never forgive me.
I can already hear him in my head, he’d say he was right to keep me at home all this time.
He’d never allow it to continue.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, anyway. Because there’s no chance in hell it’s ever going to happen between me and Nate.
There’s no room even for wishful thinking because he can do so much better. I look around the boat and see beautiful women everywhere. Women his own age, women with experience, women who would have the confidence to throw themselves at him shamelessly. I don’t have any of those things at all. I’m just a young woman, fumbling to find her way in the world. Yes, I know I’m worthy but that doesn’t mean others see me that way.
I can’t compete with those other women.
I look down at myself and my heart sinks. I’m sitting in a two piece suit. I was feeling pretty cute when I put it on this morning.
But does Nate look at me and see my size? Or does he see me?
Is he like other men, judging me for my curves and nothing else? Does he think they’re ugly like so many other people do?
The thought almost brings me to tears. I have no idea if he really does feel that way, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Men can be so shallow sometimes. I sniff, trying to brush off the thought.
I have to remind myself that I’m amazing. I’m powerful. I’m worthy…
And if I want a man like Nate, I can have him.
The thought makes my cheeks heat up.
Why am I limiting myself, telling myself that he’ll never want me before he’s said or done anything? It’s not like I’m going to go up to Nate and ask if he wants me, but I could, and he might surprise me with his answer.
It’s not smart of me to assume I know what’s going on in his head. That’s the kind of thinking that will make me miss my chance with him here.
I have two weeks on this boat.
Neither of us is going anywhere.
Sure, he’s a busy man, and he might not have time for me. But if he’s going to have time for anyone on this boat, it’s me.
He promised to look out for me, so that’s what he’s going to do. I can tell he’s a man of his word.