I’m shown to my room and I peer around it with a smile. The room is small and barely has any room to move around, but this is what I wanted.
I’m not aboard this boat to spend the whole time in my room. I’m going to make the most of my time here, spend my boat days looking out over the water, seeing every inch of the world that I’ve yet to see. It doesn’t matter if the only thing out there is water for now. It’s still better than being stuck in my quiet corner of the universe.
I plop myself down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling with a smile. It’s quiet and I like it. I feel alone for the first time in my life.
Most people would hate that, being alone, but I’ve craved this feeling. It feels dangerously close to freedom. I feel guilty even thinking about it, but my dad can be a handful sometimes.
He wants what’s best for me, but it can be suffocating. I’ll miss him while I’m away, but while he’s gone, I’m going to spend every second living life to the fullest.
There are so many things I haven’t been able to do with my dad around. I haven’t been able to explore the world, seek thrills, or live life on the edge.
I spent my childhood indoors, wishing I could play out with the other kids while my dad insisted it was too dangerous to be out on the streets playing ball. As a teenager, I wasn’t allowed to bring boys home…though there was never anyone I wanted to bring home, anyway. Not that many, if any, boys looked my way, I was different. I had curves, round hips, and a soft stomach. I didn’t fit in because of my physical appearance, not to mention my dad never left my side. And while I love my dad, his love held me back in some ways.
But not anymore.
I close my eyes and think of the loneliness I felt as a kid. It made me crave the company of someone to love me even more as I grew up.
My dad always taught me that there’s nothing more painful than a broken heart, but I took that to mean that the best thing in life must be love. Because if losing that is impossibly painful, then it must be wonderful to have love in your life. So ever since then, love has been on my mind.
Not just on my mind, but constantly circling it.
It’s all I really want in life. Love.
I want a guy who is going to swoop in and sweep me off my feet. A man who is so strong and capable that my dad understands that I’ll be safe in his arms, that he’ll never have to worry about me again. Someone who will be there through all of my adventures, who will crave the same kind of rush that I do. Someone who will see me for me and not the body that most write off just because it’s not the norm.
But so far, it doesn’t seem like that guy exists.
I’ve yet to meet a single man who treats me well yet.
I’ve learned over the past few years that men always treat you depending on what they want from you. If they want sex from you, they treat you like you’re the most important woman in the world. If they don’t, then they treat you like dirt. You don’t even compute as human to them.
And I guess that’s why my dad is the only man in the world that I get along with. Because as much as men disinterest me right now, I guess it’s because they already decided that I’m unworthy of them. They took one look at my curvy body and made all the wrong assumptions about me. They assume I’m nothing because I’m a big girl, and they dismiss me romantically.
But they’re the ones missing out. If I know one thing, it’s my worth.
If they want to overlook me, that’s fine. I’m happy to wait until I find a guy as worthy of me as I am worthy of them.
I shake my head and sit up in my new bed.
This is going to be my home for the next two weeks, but that doesn’t mean I have to lie here moping around. I have plenty of time for that at home.
I want to get up and explore the boat, but I have to wait for dad’s friend to show up. I sigh, feeling a little irritated that I’m being slowed down by this. When can my adventure begin if I’m waiting around for my dad’s pal?
I think about getting up and leaving, but I want to do this one thing for my dad, if only so that I don’t feel incredibly guilty later.