It feels like it’s going to kill me, and I’m still here. I haven’t left yet.
Nate stirs beside me, pulling me in close to his chest. I can barely breathe, locked in his tight embrace. It’s exactly where I want to be, but I know in my heart that I have to leave. I have to leave soon or I never will.
The longer I wait, the harder this is going to be.
Managing to tear myself out of Nate’s strong arms, I stand and find my dress from last night. Nate sits up, frowning as he watches me dress.
“Where are you going? Come back to bed,” he says in a sleep roughened voice, looking me up and down with a sultry smile.
I have to turn my back on him so that he won’t see my tears.
“We have the excursion today…I-I need to go and get dressed,” I stammer.
“You don’t want to blow it off and spend all day in bed with me?” he says in a husky voice.
My heart aches.
A few days ago, I never could have imagined that I’d want to skip seeing a beautiful new place in order to spend a day in bed with a guy. The offer now, though, is so tempting that I wish I could say yes. I want him to touch me again, to bring me to life, to make me feel good. But right now, I’ve never been so miserable. Because that can never happen again. Not if I want to save my family from crumbling into ruins.
“I was hoping to see the city…”
“Well then, let’s go together. I want to go where you go,” he says full of conviction.
I don’t have the heart to say no right now. I really should, but I can’t. I just want to savor every moment with him until I can’t have anymore.
How am I going to survive the next two weeks, knowing that we’re going to be in the same place, but I have to keep my distance? Doing the right thing seems impossible right now, and yet that’s my only option. I’ve already messed up once, and I guess this is my punishment. The knowledge of how incredible it is to be with Nate and yet know he can never ever be truly mine.
I head back to my room to change for the day, and when I re-emerge, Nate is waiting for me with a smile. We’re stopping in Mexico today having just sailed through the Gulf, and I was particularly excited to explore at first, but now, my heart just isn’t in it. How can it be when I can only think of Nate and how doomed our relationship is?
Nate tries to coax conversation out of me, but he must feel like he’s talking to a brick wall. Even after we get off the boat and the summer heat hits me, I don’t feel any joy. It feels like nothing will ever be right again.
I hear Nate sigh as we walk around the coastal city together, and I guess he must be getting fed up with my attitude.
But when I look up at him, he doesn’t look angry, he looks sad.
He runs a hand through his hair and I stop walking. I don’t want to explain why I’m pulling away, just the thought hurts, but I guess we have to talk about this. Nate deserves an explanation.
“I know why you’ve been so withdrawn all day,” he says. “You’re thinking about what’s going to happen after the cruise. You’re worried about what your dad is going to think.”
I nod slowly. It feels like if I try to speak now, I might cry. But I can’t let him think I don’t want him because I do so much.
“I can’t stop thinking about it, Nate. How can I get it off my mind? He’ll never forgive me if he finds out what we did last night.”
“He’ll find a way to get over it. You’re his daughter and he loves you.”
“You don’t know him the way I do. He’s so protective of me, that he barely lets me out of his sight. He’s lost everything and now he’s scared of losing me too.”
“He’s not going to lose you, but you’re all grown up. You're a woman. You’re allowed to find someone that makes you happy. Someone other than your father,” he says firmly.
He tries to reach out to me, but I force myself to step away from him, even though it feels almost impossible to do so.
“Nate, you’re not listening to me. I know how he’s going to react if he ever finds out that I’ve been with you.”
“But why? Why does it matter to him?”
“Because he finds it hard to trust people as it is. You’re one of his only good friends. He already lost his wife, his best friend. And if he thinks I’m going off with you, he’ll freak out. And there’s no chance he can look past the age gap. You know that as well as I do, Nate.”