I winced as I got out of the car. I’d thought that of Delaney after the revealing group meeting and still felt like I was walking on eggshells where he was concerned, though he’d apologized and sent a supportive text tonight. It was hard to be disappointed by people you connected with, especially on a visceral level.
I turned on practically every light when I got inside, then some music to fill up the quiet—nineties R&B seemed to fit my mood. I changed into sweatpants, grabbed some water from the tap, then retreated to my living room, where I propped my feet on the coffee table and scrolled through my phone.
You around? I texted Delaney.
Absolutely. Wanna talk? he replied, likely figuring out I was home early.
Yeah.
“You okay?” he asked as soon as I answered my cell.
“Sure.” I sighed. “It was a good experience, but it ended up being a bust.”
He sucked in a breath. “What happened?”
“I just…I suppose dating is the same no matter what stage of life you’re in.” I pulled a pillow onto my lap. “You either vibe with the person, or you don’t, remember?”
“Yeah. It’s been so long,” Delaney said with a laugh. “I wouldn’t even know how to get on a dating app.”
“It’s easier than you think. But obviously, it’s still hard, no matter how you meet someone. And it feels so fucking surreal, sitting across from a stranger you’re trying to get to know. I was hoping I could just shut that other part of myself off, but it turns out I can’t, so it got awkward.”
He didn’t even ask what I meant; he just knew. Grief. Sorrow. The person you loved no longer being in this world.
“I’m sorry.” I could hear it in his voice—the empathy. The thing missing from the dude I’d just met. “Maybe that was a practice run, and from here, it gets easier.”
“Maybe.” I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.
“I was driving Grant to school the other day, and I told him you were going on a date,” he said, and my eyes flew open. “I kept it general, no details about who it was with. I suppose I was curious about his reaction, and it was exactly what I expected.”
“What do you mean?”
“He was a bit freaked. I could see it in his eyes. Which confirmed what I already knew. That my sole focus should be on getting him through high school. Know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I think I do. But I’m a bit confused. Were you considering dating too?”
“Hell no, and certainly not after listening to your experience,” he said with a smile in his voice, and I snickered.
“It wasn’t that bad,” I replied as if I needed to defend the guy.
“Bad enough to keep me firmly single. Or should I say widowed?”
“That’s gonna be up to you. This time around, I chose not to disclose anything before meeting him, but maybe I need to change my approach.”
“Does that mean you’re gonna put yourself out there again?” He sounded hesitant, and now it made a bit more sense. He wasn’t ready, but maybe it was more about Grant than him, and I didn’t know how to feel about that.
“I’m not really sure,” I replied, and that was the truth. After a brief pause, I blurted, “So hey, do you ever find yourself doing things you know Rebecca would’ve never approved of?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know.” I looked at my toes, which were dangerously close to knocking a candle to the floor. “Like, right now, I have my feet propped on the coffee table, and Carmen would’ve hated that.”
“Ah, now I get it.” He snickered. “I’ll admit, I leave the kitchen a wreck sometimes, which would’ve driven her crazy. What do you think that’s about—some sort of anger or rebellion?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s more about us figuring out who we are again without them?”
“I like that,” Delaney said. “Not sure anything is truer.”
We stayed on the phone for another hour, talking about random shit. From the very first meeting in the grief group, it had always been easy with Delaney. We’d exchanged numbers at the second meeting, after we’d stayed in the parking lot, talking for far too long. After the next one, we’d gone out for a drink, and the rest was history.
But even after we got off the phone, I was still a bit worked up.
So I looked up some gay porn and got myself off to two average guys fucking. They were grunting and sweating and evenly matched in size and age, and hell, it was beautiful to watch. I’d also admit to wondering the whole time what it might’ve been like tonight if James had been more like Delaney. Not just how attractive he was, but his personality too.
Dangerous territory…
7
Delaney
I watched through the window as Grant wheeled his bike out of the garage. The weather had held up through most of September, but today called for rain. Grant had insisted he could make it to school and back unscathed, and instead of arguing, I’d decided to let it go. Natural consequence was what Rebecca would call it whenever I’d freak about any of Grant’s decisions, and she was right. If he got rained on this time, he might decide to proceed differently next time the forecast looked iffy. As a parent, you needed to pick your battles, but it was harder in practice than it looked. At least it was for me.