11
Candy At Work
“As we expected,the deaths of the vampire kings have caused ripples throughout the undead community. The manner of their death raises great concerns, given the viciousness and cruelty of the method. It was clearly an act of vengeance of some kind, and most likely from another, more powerful vampire who is yet to raise his or her hand.”
Maddox had never imagined when he took on the burden of trying to contain the border of vampire and human relations that he would spend so very much time talking in meetings. But here he was, listening to the reports compiled by his human team. They were all very excited, of course. An upheaval such as this had not occurred in their lifetimes. Humans tended to be excitable that way. Everything was always new to them.
“Just say vampires. There’s no general undead community," Lorien interrupted. “There’s no zombies, no werewolves, not even a mummy. There’s just plain vampires.”
Mark Kennedy, a nervous though intelligent young man with pink hair and a wide array of piercings, shuffled his papers nervously and nodded swiftly. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend.”
“You didn’t offend. It’s just ‘undead community’ makes us sound like we’re going to host a bake sale and maybe join together in a quilting bee.”
“Lorien, be quiet and let the man speak,” Maddox interrupted.
“Er. Yes. Well. As I was saying,” Mark stammered. “It’s not been good for…”
“I am so bored,” Lorien declared, spinning on his heel and leaving the room for the betterment of all concerned.
“Captain Candy is out in the field at the moment, sir. We have a body cam feed if you'd like to see what she’s dealing with.”
“Of course.”
Mark opened his laptop, tapped a few buttons, and brought up the camera feed. It was one thing Maddox did marvel at, the innovation displayed by these temporary little creatures who built on one another’s concepts decades, even hundreds of years after the originators had passed.
Candy was at that moment facing down a vampire attempting to take an oblivious coed off the street. It was looming out of the shadows with what it probably thought was an alluring grin but looked more like a constipated rictus.
“Hey! You!” Candy’s voice rung out with strident authority.
The vampire ignored her, continuing to stalk its victim.
Candy got its attention by hitting it over the head with her baton. It didn’t do the vampire any harm, but it certainly got its attention.
“There’s no feeding in public!”
The vampire hissed and curled its upper lip with disdain. “Leave me be, petty human functionary!”
Candy rapped the vampire over his head with her baton again.
The creature hissed and snarled, glaring at her with war fury, a state some vampires fell prey to in their younger years. Much like humans, young vampires were essentially useless in every way that actually counted. They had all the instincts that would, when honed, make them terrifying predators, but they had no idea how to act on them effectively.
Candy was clearly not concerned in the slightest.
“Take another step toward me, and I’m going to garlic spray you, sir. I’ve heard it is quite painful.”
Maddox smiled to himself. Candy was quite the impressive woman.
The vampire hissed and showed a length of fang that frankly was not all that impressive. One of his fangs had been damaged already. Had to hurt like hell. The other was not broken, but barely extended longer than its human teeth already did.
“Go away, human, you have no jurisdiction here.”
“Actually, I do. That's what the whole uniform is supposed to indicate.”
“We need new blood. I have to feed, and I have to bring new life to the underworld!”
“This fuckin’ guy,” one of the Brooklyn contingent noted. Maddox agreed completely. This fuckin’ guy, indeed.
“You can’t make anybody. You don’t have the age,” Candy pointed out.
“Sometimes it works younger, if a vampire is of great power.”
“You’re not of great power, buddy. Judging by the looks of you, you’re no more than fifty, maybe fifty-five years old. Let me guess, you were a Woodstock baby.”
The vampire’s jaw dropped. “How did you know?”
“You look about twenty and you’re wearing a John Lennon t-shirt, and not ironically. You scream vampire, baby.”
“Huh. I thought the seventies were back?” The vampire plucked at his clothes, instantly concerned.
“Nothing ever comes back completely. We might think it does, but once it’s gone, it’s gone.”
“Sure. But…”
Candy started to vibrate. The unit watched her hold up a finger to the vampire and answer her phone.
“Hi baby, what’s going on? Yes, I know it's your turn, but your sister needs the car to get to her clarinet lessons. Yes. It is fair. We’ll talk about it when I get home. Yes, there’s cookie dough in the freezer. Did you eat the meatloaf I left in the fridge? No. You got pizza? Well, then you can’t have cookies as well. You need to eat what I make you, or why would I make it for you?”
The vampire was listening, a frown on its face. It could have made a swift escape and picked another target, but instead it chose to stay. Interesting. Could the understanding of zero hostility toward human law enforcement already be eroding?
“Listen, Carter, I’m at work. You can always call me if you need me, but this is not what I would call an emergency. No. It’s not. You can have an apple if you’re still hungry after your pizza. Yes. An apple. No. That’s not communism. Carter…”
Moving with swifter than human reflexes, the vampire plucked the phone from Candy’s hand and hissed into the base of it with real fury.
“Respect your mother, or I’ll rip your throat out.”
“Sorry,” it said, handing the phone back. “I cannot abide insolent young.”
There was a pause in which Captain Candy was clearly doing a cost benefit calculation on whether the trauma that had just been done to her offspring was worth it or not.
“Thank you. I think. Go find some willing humans. There are plenty at the Library.”
“Used to be,” the vampire said. “Library has been cleaned out.”
“That so?”
“Willing humans have been snatched up. It’s gotten tribal. We have to hunt, or we won’t survive.”
“Alright, well. I have some synthetic blood on me. That’ll get you through this dry spell. Then we can talk about what to do. Give me your contact details, and…”
“That’s how you gather useful intelligence while also keeping the peace and ensuring the safety of the public at large,” Maddox said, waving a hand to indicate he’d seen enough. Captain Candy always did a good job. She was warm when she needed to be and could ram a stake through the core of a rogue vamp soon as look at one if that was what was called for.
“Alright, good work everyone,” Maddox said. “We’ll meet again tomorrow, sooner if Candy indicates there’s anything we can act on. In the meantime, keep safe. It is bloody out there, and it’s only going to get bloodier.”
He saw the unit out and breathed a sigh of relief. The house always felt far too crowded when humans were in it. They left a scent in the air, sort of like hamburger meat. He was yearning to spend some time with Will. The boy needed more attention.
But it was not to be. Lorien came sweeping by with a broad grin which heralded a fresh batch of absolute nonsense.
“You're going to want to come with me,” he said, his green eyes glistening. “I’ve got a present for you in my room.”
“It’s late, Lorien. The sun will be rising in a matter of hours, you should be getting to rest.”
“And I will, but not before you see what I found behind the bins when I was taking out the garbage.”
That was another side effect of hosting humans. They needed to consume, and that consumption produced garbage which had to be disposed of. It was all very inconvenient. Mad was impressed that Lorien had actually done something approximating a chore, however. That was very unlike him.
He followed Lorien to his room, where he found himself cursing inwardly. “I have told you before, you are not allowed to capture humans.”
There was a beaten and bloodied human gagged with his own tie and tied up with his shoelaces lying on the floor.
“You know this one,” Lorien said, undeterred.
Maddox didn’t recognize the person at first. Last time he’d seen this individual, he’d been much less bloody, and his clothes had been intact rather than ripped to shreds. Lorien picked the unfortunate up and dangled him back and forth with precisely the same expression a cat has on its face when it is playing with a mouse.
“Oh. Lorien. No,” Maddox sighed as he recognized Lorien’s prey. It was Chauvelin, and he had obviously not come without a fight. “He’s an FBI agent.”
“Why is an FBI agent in our bins? Why am I calling them bins?” Lorien gasped. “Did I just turn British?”
“Put him down, Lorien.”
Lorien dropped the agent on the polished floor and stood over him dispassionately.
“Untie and un-gag him,” Maddox ordered.
“He was snooping around,” Lorien said. “I think he’s trying to investigate you for the… you know.”
“Yes. I know. Untie him. Now.”
“Assholes!” The word burst forth from Chauvelin as if it had been sitting there bottled up for hours.
“Agent Chauvelin, I do apologize. But when one lurks around the dwellings of known undead, one tends to suffer unpleasant consequences.”
“It is illegal for any vampire to feed from the unwilling. I could have you arrested for this.”
“You could, except I have not drunk from you, and nor has Lorien. You were mistaken for an intruder, owing to the fact you were skulking around in our refuse. I am going to give you a piece of advice, Chauvelin. Stay far from my home.”
“Is that a threat?”
“No. It’s not a threat. A threat would sound more like this: if you are found lurking around my home again, and heaven forbid, infiltrating it, you will find yourself exsanguinated, and your skin used to cover a chair. A small chair, but still.”
“Hey, is there any more of the toaster…” Will trailed off as he entered the room and saw Chauvelin there.
“Who is this?” Chauvelin asked the question all too eagerly.
William took one look at the agent and walked away.
“Who was that? He was human.”
“It’s not actually any of your business,” Maddox replied. “You have no warrant, and no cause that I can see for an active investigation. You’re stalking me, agent.”
“Wouldn’t that be ironic, a human stalking a vampire,” Chauvelin let out a strange and one might have even said, mad, giggle. “It’s usually the other way around.”
“Happens more than you might think. Humans become fascinated, and then, from their fascination, they become obsessed. It would not be wise to become obsessed with me.”
“Hm,” Chauvelin said, his dark eyes glittering with all sorts of bad ideas.
“Good night, agent,” Maddox said, escorting him to the door.
“Why didn’t you use your influence to chase him off?” Lorien frowned as Maddox shut the door behind the agent. “Why didn’t you question him? Why didn’t you tell him not to come around here anymore? Why didn’t you… do anything? You just let him go!”
“He’s been bled and put under so many times I doubt even my powers would have full effect,” Maddox explained. “He’s a junkie, looking for a fix. He’s harmless.”
“Nobody with a badge is harmless.”
Will spoke up from the kitchen. He must have risen from bed with the desire to feed. He had more toaster pastry in his hand, and a dark look in his handsome eyes.
“You do not have to fear law enforcement anymore. You work on the side of the angels,” Mad reminded him.
“I don’t work at all. I watch. And I don’t like what I see.”
“Well, boy, the good news is, you barely understand half of what you see, so worry less about seeing and focus more on obeying.” Maddox sighed. “It is bedtime. For both of you.”