Chapter Nine
Bonnie Lass: adjective, beautiful girl, pretty, stunning, attractive. Pronounced: Bawny Lass.
Baltic: adjective, cold, freezing. “Put the heating on it’s bloody Baltic outside.” Pronounced: Ball-tick.
* * *
Eden
Only a few more days till I return to work. I’m a little afraid to admit it, but it’s been lovely having all this time off. I finally sorted out the spare room, decluttered all my drawers, and reorganized my walk-in wardrobe.
Focusing on being gentle with myself and practicing self-care.
Ella’s little chat really woke me up. She’s right. I was stuck.
In a short few weeks, I’ve slowly been changing my daily routine. Ella wanted me to focus on my mindset first.
I received two emails from Ella. The first pinged into my inbox a day after our brief chat, the same day Hunter set up camp in my brain and hasn’t left.
Ella’s first email is not what I expected…
From: Ella Wallace
To: Eden Wallace
CC: Eva McDougal
Subject: Part 1 – Eden’s Life-Changing Bucket List
Hey, Bonnie Lass,
First things first… this is not the official bucket list email. That’s coming. Right now I want you to do the following… Attend Dr. Anderson’s office on Old Castle Road at one p.m. tomorrow. This is one of six appointments I’ve made for you. Dr. Anderson is expecting you. She’s an incredible therapist, specializing in trauma. You’ll love her and I think you’ll really hit it off. This is going to be your first step toward many positive changes in your life. I’ve filled her in briefly, but it’s not my story to tell.
Your mind may be reeling, but all I ask you is to just trust us, babes.
Eva and I want the very best for you. We’ve got you.
Love you, Ella & Eva xx
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I was blown away.
I sat in tears at the realization of how much they really cared about me.
My girls love me.
To be honest, looking back, I realize I was an utter mess.
I felt like shit mentally.
Something had to change.
I went to that appointment.
Since then, I’ve attended four of them. I’ve made significant progress. Go me. I feel it too. My therapist has given me lots of homework and exercises to do. All brain work to increase my awareness of my daily emotions. Leaning into my future and letting go of my past. Well, not letting go completely. More like allowing my negative emotions to flow safely. Not allowing them to hold me back like they have. Something I haven’t been doing. I thought if I let things out it would make me feel worse. Who knew it would have the opposite effect? I feel better.
Much better.
I’ve been journaling daily; it’s been deeply enlightening. Writing my daily thoughts has allowed me to see things in a new light.
Over time, I know this is really going to help me. I’m not quite over that hill yet, but I will be. I seriously can’t believe I’ve waited all this time to seek help. It’s been difficult talking it through. Seeing a therapist, someone impartial that I could talk freely to about Jamie and losing my beautiful baby, was cathartic. It’s something I rarely talked about. By keeping it all in, I didn’t realize it was rotting my soul and sanity one little piece at a time.
Slowly but surely, I’m banishing the blame and guilt I’ve been holding on to.
Dr. Anderson informed me I have been holding on for dear life to a perpetual feeling of guilt over something I didn’t control.
When she put it like that, I felt like all the air expelled from my lungs all at once.
I didn’t have any control over the boat accident. The unforecasted storm was the criminal that night.
I had no control over Jamie or his choice to leave.
Jamie is out there now, living his life. Without me.
His family denies they know his whereabouts. I’m not convinced they’re telling the truth.
If they know, that’s their family secret to keep. At the very least, I hope they told him about us losing Chloe. I’ll never know, although my gut tells me they did. He chose not to come. They would have been mad at him for not coming to our baby’s heartfelt church service. Jamie’s parents are good people. They protected me from his no-show. Better to pretend he didn’t know than to deepen the blow of hurt and abandonment.
I retraced losing Chloe with Dr. Anderson. I had a problem with my cervix. The doctors called it an incompetent cervix. Combined with the trauma of Jamie leaving me, I was unaware of the signs to look for. I thought my pelvic pressure, backache, and pulling sensations in my belly were normal. It turned out not to be so. It all happened quickly, and an ultrasound scan confirmed we were too late.
I cried in that office with Dr. Anderson. I let it all out. I will not let my tragedy consume me anymore. I now realize my past is my past. Time to look forward.
There is no such thing as a magic wand and it will take time to fully recover from these guilty feelings, but it’s a start. Dr. Anderson informs me they will try to rear their ugly head, but I’m better equipped to bash them over the head if they do. I’m going to be on top of the Whac-A-Mole leaderboard when I come out the other side of all this.
After a few sessions I’m finally opening up, talking more and forgiving myself, practicing gratitude, attending my therapy appointments, accepting that I had no control. Accepting the pain and longing I felt for Jamie and my little girl, Chloe, is normal, but carrying guilt with me was preventing me from living my life.
I was just going through the motions of everyday life before.
Waiting for Jamie.
Having talked it out, I’m bloody mad as hell at Jamie for leaving me. For leaving me to grieve by myself. He just walked away from us. Not being able to talk about Chloe to him. For his absence at her funeral. Dr. Anderson explained his torment that trauma can cause. I now have a better understanding of what he went through. It helped and made me see things from his point of view. She also explained it’s okay for me to be mad at him too, but not to hold on to it. Forgiving him has been a huge part of the process. I’ll never forget, however, learning to forgive is releasing any resentment I feel toward him. Learning to be compassionate and understand Jamie’s circumstances around his traumatic experiences is allowing me to release any resentment and bitterness toward him.
Dr. Anderson explained how writing a letter to Jamie would help me express my feelings. Simply for my benefit. It gave me a chance to get everything out, explaining my side of my trauma and loss. I said goodbye to him in that letter. Described our little Chloe. Shared our peaceful send-off. Forgiving him. Letting him go.
Carrying around the heaviness of these feelings and weight of unsaid words was giving him power and hold over my life.
Then I burned the letter. I watched the flames dance as I released and let it go.
The tears flowed.
It was a bittersweet moment, but it was my turning point. I physically felt it in my body. A slight crack opened in my heart and started letting the light in. It was raw and messy.
I’m not broken. I’m opening it to allow love and joy in again. It’s been a whirlwind of sensations these last couple of weeks.
Emerging from my four-year hibernation has been liberating.
I’m feeling good. I am stronger; I am still here, standing, still breathing.
I’m using my past to shape my future.
I have my sisters, my lovely friends, my forever supportive parents, my grand home, and of course our dance school. My challenge now is to thread in more fun with huge dollops of laughter into the gifted life I have. It’s been in front of me all along. But I’m only just realizing how lucky I truly am. With awareness comes oneness, I’ve discovered.
I’m sleeping more soundly. I’m breathing easier. I’m lighter.
Connecting myself to the outside world. Connecting with me. I’ve started watching the news again. Tuning in to the world and the people around me.
Started dreaming and planning for what I want in life. Where do I want to be in five years' time? Doing what?
It’s exciting. New desires have lit a fire in my belly to do more, be more, feel more. Forget Stella, Eden’s getting her groove back.
My bucket list whooshed into my inbox two weeks after my first therapy session. My stomach did a flip. You never quite know what you’re going to get with Ella. Apparently, Eva was having the final say on a final version, so part of me felt safe-ish. I held my breath in anticipation before I tapped it open.
With nerves I opened this…
From: Ella Wallace
To: Eden Wallace
CC: Eva McDougal
Subject: Part 2 - Eden’s Life-Changing Bucket List
Dearest Eden,
Before we dig into your bucket list, which will be life-changing by the way, because, well, I made the list and I’m awesome. I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to do this for you. I have had WAY too much fun coming up with ideas. I can already hear your mind working overtime from my desk but don’t stress; Eva had the final say, so don’t get your knickers in a knot. We’ve got you girl and we are going to watch you blossom and shine, baby. Are you ready? Here goes… Remember, we love you… but first there are rules.
1.You can’t delete anything from the list
2.You have to do everything on it
3.You have a year to do it all
4.Never give up
5.Note the date you complete each item. Let us know when you’ve done them too—we need details about everything. ’Cause we’re nosey bitches. Toni and Beth want to know too. Especially all the details on item number one ;)
6.Enjoy it all and have fun
7.Light that tunnel up like I told you to and shine, baby, shine
Are you ready?
Eden’s Awesome Bucket List
1.Hunter King—read into that what you will, Eden; we don’t care how, just do him :) There’s a time limit on this one, he’s only here for a few months
2.Buy a new vibrator to loosen yourself up and prep yourself for list item one… How long has it been?
3.Attend six therapy sessions—you’re already doing these, and we are so proud of you
4.Go out either every Friday or Saturday night—or both
5.Keep journaling and talking to us daily; we love what you’ve achieved so far, it’s working, keep going
6.Limit your book reading to three a month
7.Attend Pole-Dancing Fitness classes to gain your qualification. These are purely for selfish reasons. Eva and I want to offer more dance classes to mums. My idea. I think this will be epic
8.Go on at least two dates a month
9.Attend a ball
10.Try horse riding
11.Be kissed under the stars
12.Book a vacation to Disney World
13.Ride in a limo
14.Feed a penguin
15.Get a tattoo—I know you’ve always wanted one
16.Swim with dolphins
17.Attend an outdoor concert
18.Go skinny-dipping
19.Build a sandcastle
20.Visit a museum
21.Have a water balloon fight—childish we know, but we fancy this and the kids will love it; when was the last time we did this?
22.Watch the closing fireworks at Magic Kingdom
23.Buy new lingerie. Because we want you to…
24.Have a one-night stand—maybe two. It’s time to explore and discover
25.Have sex in the sea—we give you full permission to combine this one with number 18
26.Learn a dance routine with Eva and me. The filthier the better and we’ll perform it at The Vault. It’s all arranged with Roman; we just need to tell him what week
27.Finish decorating the spare room
28.Learn to master your own cupcakes, so you don’t have to keep buying them. :) Although you’re an awful cook, you may be a better baker?
29.Practice gratefulness daily
30.Keep on booking appointments with your therapist if you feel six isn’t enough
31.Fall in love… You don’t have to do this in a year, gahhh that is pressure but open your heart to possibility
32.More than anything Eden, we want you to find yourself, celebrate your lovely life, and be happy
We love you, baby girl, you’ve got this and we’ve got you.
Ella and Eva - and Beth and Toni too. xxxx
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Some of these freaked me out. Horses. Yup, they scare me. Don’t ask why, but they just do. Ella can keep her horses. Fall in love? In twelve months? That seems impossible. Sex in the sea? In Scotland? It’s bloody Baltic. I may die of hypothermia. Two dates a month. Gee, I’m not sure I want to do those.
I have achieved some of the smaller things so far. I’m continuing to journal daily and attend my therapy sessions. I booked a couple more because they are helping. I practice gratefulness daily, which I am loving. Oh, and this week, because I’m feeling stronger and my thumb has healed, Eva, Ella and I spent laughter-filled afternoons together this week creating a routine for item number twenty eight…
‘Learn a dance routine with Eva and me. The filthier the better and we’ll perform it at The Vault. It’s all arranged with Roman; we just need to tell him what week.’
We’re performing there tonight. Roman is Beth’s brother. He manages The Vault bar and nightclub. The things I do for my sisters. I hope none of the dance mums are there; they may never bring their kids back to classes.
I really don’t think Ella thought this one through.
Doing this one ticks another thing off the list. I’m actually really enjoying it.
Note to self: speak to Toni and Beth about Disney World, so they can book their vacation time.
I can’t remember the last time I went out dancing and drinking for fun. I’m so excited, I do a little jiggle in my seat.
I’m currently sitting at my desk reading through my bucket list again.
Hunter King. Way up there, right at the top.
He’s got me in a spin. I feel like I’ve popped a red sock in with my white wash. Mixing everything up, creating something new and unexpected. He’s woken the desire and excitement within me that’s been buried for so long.
I don’t know how I kept my cool around him when I helped him with his fire.
Okay, so I sucked his finger. I don’t know what I was thinking.
It all happened so quickly I totally lost myself. It was an impulse move. Like I left my body for a moment and Miss Minnie took over. Hunter’s awakened a desire for intimacy and touch. His touch. I lean back in my desk chair, remembering.
Dragging my hands down my face, I recall the finger incident.
I sucked his finger.
I’m blaming his deep chocolate eyes and his scent; that’s what made me do it. Or maybe it’s his muscles and lips. Admit it. It’s everything about him. He sends tingles down my spine just thinking about him.
Item number one…
Hunter King—read into that what you will Eden; we don’t care how, just do him :)
This scares the shit out of me. And there’s a time limit.
No pressure, girls, thanks.
I haven’t been with anyone sexually, besides Jamie, like, ever.
Jamie was my high school sweetheart. How do you please a man that looks like Hunter? I’m totally out of my depth. I need internet porn Stat.
It’s been years since anything or anyone has been near Miss Minnie. I haven’t touched myself in forever. I think she has closed up and given up. But she’s come alive recently. She tingles and pulses when I’m around Hunter and when I fantasize about him. This has surprised me—I think it’s surprised Miss Minnie too. Bloody hell. I can’t call her that. Hunter calls her that.
I’ve daydreamed about him. I wondered what his cock looks like. He’s huge all over. He said it’s enormous; I bet it’s as beautiful as the rest of him. I don’t think Miss Minnie can take it. I feel warmth spread between my legs just thinking about him. She’s keen.
I open a new tab on Google and type ‘Hunter King.’
I Googled him as soon as he left my house the last time. I may have stalked his Instagram too. Daily. I’m an excellent student; I’m being thorough with my research. I didn’t follow him though. Hi, my name is Eden, I love reading romance books, and sunset walks on the beach, cupcakes, and stalking hot guys on Instagram.
My search throws back rows and rows of images of him on the course, at events, and shopping. News stories, achievements, facts. I know them all. One image captures my attention. I didn’t see that last time. I click on it to open. Hunter stands tall with arms around the shoulders of an elegant blond, big-boobed woman. She’s wearing the skimpiest of red bandage dresses and black stilettos with those red soles I’ve been drooling over for years.
Is this his girlfriend? I click on the image to read the article and take a sip of my tea.
“Look out, ladies. Rumor has it, pro-golfer Hunter King is back on the market. An insider informed us Jess Samuels and King have gone their separate ways following a twelve-month relationship. Jess was spotted removing her belongings from Hunter’s home in Florida and packing them into her Audi TT. Hunter has yet to confirm but quickly putting two and two together, we suspect the rumors are true. Watch this space to find out who’ll be stroking his shaft next, apparently it’s rather impressive.”
I spit my tea out all over my laptop screen.
“Aw, bumheads.”
Quickly, I whip off my shirt and use it to mop up the tea. Luckily, no damage caused.
I keep scrolling through all the news articles.
I find lots more I missed the last time. Hunter pictured with so many striking women. How in the heck am I ever going to compete with the likes of them?
Impressive shaft. Eeekkkk.
What have Ella and Eva got me into?
Tap that? Fuck that, girls. I don’t think I can.
He must be playing me because there is no way in hell he’s into me. Look at them. They're all gorgeous, elegant gazelles.
I pull up his Instagram account on my laptop. This way I can pull up bigger images of him.
There’s no denying it. He’s handsome.
I really like him. A lot.
I haven’t thought about anyone other than Jamie, ever.
He’s been my one and only since high school.
This is all new to me.
Thoughts of another.
My therapist told me it’s time to move on.
This is my new beginning, or maybe I just need to buy that vibrator off my bucket list to ease these sexual and unfamiliar feelings I’m having recently.
Better do what Ella says. I pull open another new tab and position Hunter’s Instagram window parallel to a new window so I can shop and stalk at the same time. I type in ‘Ann Summers’ into the search bar. New vibrator, here I come.
After finding the sex toy section, I start browsing. Trying to figure out what I want. Why is buying a vibrator so technical?
I take my time scrolling through. Some of these are huge. Will that fit? Wow. What color? With or without ears? How many speeds? Too many choices. I finally select one and add it to my basket, quickly checking out, feeling chuffed with myself. One thing off the list, only another thirty-one to go.
A text dings through on my phone.
Unknown number: Are you shopping for a vibrator while swooning over my Instagram page, Cupcake? Am I your vibrator purchase inspiration?
I slam my laptop lid shut with a swift almighty bang.
I look up and dart my eyes around, trying to figure out where he is.
This is where I should have spent the money, opaque glass in the living room. What a fool. A poor fool at the time.
I text back.
Me: Are you stalking me?
Unknown number:You’re one to talk.
I save his number to my contacts.
Hunter: Let me get this straight… you’re half naked, shopping for a new vibrator, with my photos splashed across your screen. Are you getting off to my face? Anddd… where is your shirt? Is this your normal Saturday afternoon attire and activity?
“Shit.” I blush in an empty room. I leap up from my desk that’s nestled into the corner of my living room, positioned next to my floor-to-ceiling windows. Bugger. I am in fact giving everyone an eyeful. Half naked in only my Brazilian lace thong sleep panties and a lace bralette. He’s clearly let himself through the security gate that divides my house from the retreat. The groundsmen have Saturdays off. I was not expecting this. Sprinting across my living room, I take the stairs two at a time up my sweeping wood and black metalwork staircase and run into my bedroom on the upper floor.
Not that it will make a difference; there’s floor-to-ceiling windows everywhere. As a side note… Always, always, remember to wear your panties and bra, or clothes, just wear something to make sure the groundsmen don’t catch you in your birthday suit. Yup, I’ve been caught out myself a few times. Like now, for instance. I’m positive Campbell, the head groundsman, spends way too much time trimming the trees around my house, hoping to catch me out. At the ripe old age of sixty-five, it would be the thrill of his year. In the words of Ella, “all this glass shows a lot of ass.”
I have that clever opaque smart glass in my bedroom, though. You know the one at the switch of a button it turns from transparent to opaque?
Super fancy me. It was too expensive to install anywhere else in the house. Hashtag: pennies were running low. I grab my smart glass controller and switch it on. Then quickly draw my curtains across the windows of my Juliet balcony. Oh yeah, I have one of those too. I really went all out in my bedroom. You can enjoy Castleview Cove in its entirety. Perched perfectly above the treetops. Add a cup of tea. There’s no better way to start the day. It’s how I start mine. Every. Single. Day. Ah… bliss. It’s my sanctuary. In here, I’m now safe.
Hunter: Aw, you’re no fun. I was enjoying that.
Me: Where the bloody hell are you, Mr. King?
Hunter: Everywhere.
Hunter: So when does it arrive? Should I add an eggplant emoji to our chat?
Me: It’s not called an eggplant, it’s an aubergine. Bloody yanks.
Hunter: Bloody weird Scots.
Hunter: Which one did you buy? Did you buy a rabbit?
Me: You’re so bad, Mr. King. I’m not telling you.
Hunter: Is this for bucket list item number two to prep yourself for item number one?
Me: How in the bloody hell have you seen that?
Hunter: Did Ella not tell you? We’re best friends now. #friendsforlife
Me: I’m guessing this is how you got my number too? Ella is off my Christmas list. We are so done. Forever.
Hunter: She’s my best friend now anyway; she won’t miss you.So… what did you buy?
Me: I’m not telling you.
Hunter: Come on…
Me: Nope…
Hunter: Okay… maybe you can show me when it comes… or when you come…
Me: You are WAY TOO MUCH, MR. KING.
Hunter: So shouty.
Hunter: And that’s right, Eden, I am TOO MUCH. Do you think Miss Minnie can take it?
Me: I’m not having this conversation with you; you’re so naughty. I’m off for a shower, good day, Mr. King.
Hunter: Is that to cool down? I know I’m hot from the flash of your lace thong. Did I make you hot and bothered?
Hunter: You’ve not seen my naughty side yet ;)
Hunter: Two things… 1. You were buying a vibrator while drooling over my face. 2. Who sucked who’s finger?
Hunter: Annndddd… I’m the naughty one? #fingersuckingfantasies
Me:I was NOT drooling.
Hunter:Whatever, were you wet in other places then?
Me: I can’t deal with you right now.
Hunter: Maybe deal with me later then?
Hunter: Or I’ll deal with you later. Naughty girl.
I fling myself back on the bed and laugh out loud.
Holy shit.
A few minutes pass.
Viewing my phone, arms stretched above my face, I watch as a bubble appears, indicating he’s typing.
Hunter: Where did you go? Are you in the shower thinking about me?
Hunter: Are you ignoring me now?
Hunter: Buckle up, Cupcake, you can only ignore me for so long. I’m only getting started.
Hunter: You look beautiful today ;) xo
I stare at my phone as the last texts come in.
He’s the devil. A handsome devil.
Boy, am I in trouble.