Chapter Four
Bairn: Noun, a baby or child. Pronounced: Bearn.
Scunnered: Adjective, fed up, annoyed, unhappy, pissed off. Pronounced: Scun-urt.
Ma heid’s mince: Adjective, my head’s a little bit mixed up. Pronounced: Ma heed’s mince.
That’s pants or this is just pants: Phrase, That is rubbish or not very good.
* * *
Eden
“So, let’s plan. How long do you reckon you’ll be off from teaching then?” Ella asks, stuffing a cupcake into her mouth. My bloody cupcakes.
“I don’t know if I want to do this now. It’s been a long day. I can hardly breathe through my nose. My head, nose, eyes and entire face are killing me. My thumb is throbbing and my car’s buggered. I can’t think straight. I could hardly even pull up my own panties when I went for a pee earlier. And stop eating the cupcakes you bought me; they’re mine,” I say crankily and wince with the twinging pains that come and go.
That took an awful lot of effort to say.
Now we’re back at my house. I’m lying flat out on my luxurious oversized L-shaped gray velvet couch. I swooned over it for weeks before I finally made it mine. I’m enveloped in my cozy blanket. I’ve barely done anything all day, aside from eating and yet I feel so tired.
I think it's Ella. She’s exhausting.
“This is my happy place. Please don’t spoil it.” I exhale.
My happy place is my incredible barn conversion. It was such a thrill watching the barn being extended and transformed. We turned the old depressed-looking building into an incredibly airy and uplifting space.
I eye the space, taking it all in, leaning further into my couch. I replaced the tall old rotting double doors of the barn with a soaring double-height glass vaulted ceiling entrance. On the opposite side of the barn, I installed sliding walls of glazing.
Nestled off to the west of the retreat, my barn is all exposed brickwork, high ceilings, and roof-to-floor windows. The architect sprinkled oak beams combined with wrought iron finishing throughout. We used lots of raw materials to give it a real industrial feel. It's edgy but warm and welcoming. I love it and often do a little “squee” to myself. It's hard to believe this is mine.
I wonder if he would have shared this patch of heaven with me?
Stop it right now.
My eyes roam the open-plan layout. I do think he would have loved it here. I lit the cozy double-sided fireplace in the center of the room because it’s a little chilly outside today. It’s built into the wall that divides the living room area from the kitchen diner.
I don’t know why I need a kitchen because I’m a terrible cook, but the architect insisted I have one. It even features a magnificent duck egg blue three oven AGA. It’s more of an ornament—totally wasted on me, but it looks super pretty.
I could burn water. I’m not kidding you either. I remember the time I placed a whole pizza in the oven along with the plastic base from the packaging. Took me months to scrape the welded plastic from the bottom of the oven. And the time I called my mum to ask why my prawn crackers weren’t cooking in the pot. To which she informed me to try using cooking oil to fry them, not water to boil them. I’m no Gordon Ramsay, that’s for sure.
I love living within the retreat. I have private access with a drive that leads to the dance studio, and a small parking lot to the side of it for our dance students.
Our parents were bored after we all left for dance school. With the three of us gone, Mum wanted something to fill in her time. Buying the mansion worked out perfectly.
The grand mansion house and its grounds are now home of The Castle Sports Therapy Retreat. It’s the go-to retreat for golfers to reset, re-energize, get strong, and perfect their swing.
The mansion and land belonged to some Scottish Earl-of-something-or-other and needed love and renovation. When the Earl died, his family sold the mansion and grounds, and my parents snapped the place up.
Surrounded by beautiful countryside just a few miles out of Castleview Cove, it’s nestled within eight hectares of green and luscious gardens and high walls. They’ve transformed the mansion into a grand stately home with an even grander entrance with a security station. A huge team of groundskeepers, headed up by Campbell, maintain the extensive hedges, lawns, and shrubs.
Within the grounds, to the east of the main house, are six standalone luxury log cabins they rent out to golfers and other athletes, but mainly golfers.
The retreat hires an elite team of sports therapists, nutritionists, and rehabilitation specialists; the dream team, managed by Arran, the retreat manager. Combined, the retreat and the golf courses surrounding Castleview Cove lure golfers from all over the world. They can sniff a freshly mown fairway from eighteen holes away. However, I’m sure the bespoke indoor sports facility with pool, gym, spa, movie theater, bowling alley, and therapy rooms within the retreat grounds doesn't go unnoticed. There's even an outdoor football pitch, a tennis court, a golf practice range, basketball court, and batting cages too.
There’s always an undercurrent of activity around, but it’s blissful.
I love the calming surroundings I live in, although I feel less than calm with Ella on my case.
Ella slowly blinks, swallows the rest of her cupcake, and licks her lips. “Calm down, hen, I was only asking when you were coming back to teach because I’m assuming the doctor would have told you how long your recovery would be, right? Christ, we so need to smooth your aura down a bit; its way out of whack and super spikey.
“Believe me, I know you are totally pissed off at the situation, and well, the world, and you're mad at the Universe. But Eva and I have dance classes to cover, and as I’ve already said today, we have lives to lead. We just need to sort out the next few weeks until you’re fit to teach again. Plus, Eva has the bairns to sort out too. So we kind of need to know, Eden. I’m not being a bitch here. So just calm the hell down,” Ella retorts with a sharp tone.
Good point. “Okay, sorry. I’m just scunnered. I don’t mean to be a moan.”
Ella just stares at me, raising her perfectly plucked eyebrows, waiting for an answer.
“So, the doctor said it would be about three or four weeks for my nose to heal. Which is way less time than I thought, actually. It looks worse than it is. It's going to continue to look awful for the next few weeks. I feel so foxy and irresistible. And my thumb is only sprained. Although it’s still pants. Like Bridget Jones-sized whopping panties. Which is ironic because I can’t even pull mine up,” I end up yelling out. “The struggle is real. I need a cupcake. Pass me one.”
“Oh-kay then.” Ella cautiously hands me a melt-in-the-mouth candy-covered frosted cake.
Hello sweetness…
“Well, Eva and I will do a wee shifting of classes here and there for the next three weeks, if not longer. I’m going to take on your over twelve-year-old classes, plus all your hip hop ones. Eva said she would cover dance aerobics and all the under twelves. Sound good? Then you need to show me how to do TikTok and Instagram for the biz; I don’t think I have the login passwords for those.”
Ella, detecting that I hate not being in control, parks her pert bum next to me on the couch.
“Look,” she insists, “I know you don’t like this, Eden. Eva and I know you love organizing the schedules, paperwork, people, and shit—well doing pretty much anything and everything to distract you—but we can do this, you know. You can let go of the business strings just for a wee while. Trust Eva and me. We’ve got this. We’ve got you, and anyway, we need you to rest and come back with some brilliant ideas for the next dance showcase. It’s only a few months away, you know?”
“Yikes, I definitely can’t think of that just now. Ma heids minced.”
She turns to me, head tilted, with a genuine look of concern and affection, arm hooked over the back of the couch. “Eva and I, Mum and Dad, and well, Toni and Beth, basically everyone that cares about you”—she draws a circle with her arms—“We’re all concerned. We all want you to get better. Feel better. Heal. And we don’t just mean from your recent car crash, Eden. You heard us in the parlor. You need to move on. We want to help. And you need to allow Eva and me to be more involved in the administration side of the business. You’ve been hiding from the world for way too long, busying yourself with the dance school, not allowing yourself to have fun and not going out so much. You’ve almost become reclusive. I actually think you’ve read more books than Amazon dispatches from their warehouse. Am I correct? You’re only twenty-seven years old. You cannot live your life like you have been for the last few years, Eden. This has to stop. Try to move on.
“There is more to life than dance, the business, and reading. And yes, I do want us to have an incredible dance showcase this year. And yes, I would love for us to sit and have some time to create that together when you’re off. But I want you to come out the other side of the next few weeks a new woman. A woman who can see there is more out there for her. Happiness, and maybe even the possibility of love again. You know Jamie would never want this life for you. He definitely wouldn’t want you waiting on him. Or hiding yourself away. You are stuck. You haven’t had a vacation in forever. I would love for you to think about booking something for next year. Do you think you could do that?”
“Please don’t say his name again, Ella. Don’t start this…” I stare at her and interject.
Ella raises her finger. “Nope. Stop, Eden, let me finish. You’ve put your life on hold. He’s not coming back. He’s gone. You’re keeping yourself stuck. You’ve stopped doing anything or going anywhere. You’ve always wanted to go to Disney World. Why don’t you go with Toni and Beth? Actually… Mmmm… Mamma Mia, she’s got it…”
Ella’s whole face lights, her eyes sparkling. Oh man, this can’t be good. Time feels like it’s slowing down as I rub my little gold elephant pendant necklace. Elephants symbolize strength and power; I’d like them to give them to my mind and body now, please.
Give me strength. Work. Work. Nope, it’s not working.
“I’ve got a great idea.” She punches the air.
You never know what the hell will come out of Ella’s mouth from one minute to the next. She’s unpredictable and wild.
“Eden, are you paying attention?”
“Yeah, continue, but for the love of God, don’t make me have to punch you if it’s a stupid idea, then we could be bruised nose twins and not triplets for a few weeks.”
Ella giggles. “So small but so violent. You really have a stick up your arse these days, huh? Let’s see what we can do to remove it, shall we?”
Not giving me a chance to respond, she winks at me and continues.
“For the last few years, you’ve been stuck and I get that. Believe me I do; we all get it. But it’s been four years now, Eden. Jamie’s accident and then losing the baby was utterly devastating. I watched you withdraw from us all. But I can’t allow you to hermit yourself away any longer. Jamie’s parents have been adjusting their life. As have all the other families who suffered on that fateful day. I know you will never fully recover from your heartache, but what I am asking you to do is start adjusting too. Make adaptations to overcome this deep-seated loss and heartache you feel. You’re lost. And I don’t blame you because your compass was thrown off course.
“That stops now. From here on out, I’m making it my mission to find the old Eden. I’m going to guide you back on that bright and positive path you once walked. Think of me as your fairy godmother, Eden. Your clarity compass. That’s good, right? Man, am I on fire today or what?”
“Really, Ella? You’re pulling this shit on me. I don’t think I can take your level of insanity today, please.”
“Hang on, let me go get something to turn your frown upside down.” She dashes up the stairs and running back down, she returns with my pair of gold sparkly Minnie Mouse ears complete with organza gold bow. They are my fave.
She places them on my head. “Feel better?”
“A little,” I sheepishly reply. My Minnie ears do always lay a blanket of calm over me.
“So just let me finish what I was saying. You’re always telling us to ‘leave me alone, I’ll be fine, and I just need more time.’ Enough is enough. Your time is up. I’ve held my tongue and sat back and watched for way too long. I’m not letting you sacrifice your chance at happiness or lack of adventure in your life for one minute more.”
I feel like a naughty schoolgirl sitting in the head teacher’s office.
She pushes on. “Our consistently happy-go-lucky girl. The girl who would do anything for a laugh or dare. The girl who went skinny dipping just for the hell of it when we used to have beach parties. The one that locked Mr. Stephens in the cupboard together with Miss Peebles in fifth year. The girl who fought savagely with our parents for all three of us to go to dance school together. The girl who made ice cubes with mints, unbeknownst to our friends, that turned them into explosive bombs in our fizzy juice. You were something else, Eden. Mum didn’t appreciate that one bit. She was cleaning the ceiling in the kitchen for weeks. Where has our carefree girl gone? I want her back. I really miss her.” Ella’s fire has turned into a more longing request, which is pulling at my heartstrings. She’s good; I’ll give her that.
“Well, that’s quite a speech you’ve just laid on me there, Ella. I did not know you felt like that,” I whisper into my lap, clenching my elephant necklace—nope, still not working.
“We all do, Eden. We miss our girl. Will you be open to what I propose? Will you hear me out? I want to help you get out of this hole you seem to be in. I feel your pain. I feel it every day. But I want that to stop for you, and I want you to feel better. To see there is so much more than dancing, reading, the barn, and Castleview Cove. This nostalgic heartache you are holding on to, it’s become some sort of morbid habit.
“It’s time to let go. Will you allow me to take the reins on your life a little? To show you what is possible again? I only have your best interests at heart. I would never make a fool of you; you know this, don’t you? I want to break down those walls you have barricaded yourself into. I want to show you there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I want you to light it up yourself, Eden. Are you in?”
I can hardly refuse after she’s laid her heart out with all those deeply moving and sentimental things now, can I?
“Aw bugger, Ella, you had me at mints.”
“Woo-hoo,” Ella whoops with glee. “We’re getting our old Eden back.”
What have I let myself in for?
“So, this is what we're going to do. I’m going to make a goals list.”
“What like a bucket list?”
“Yes. Exactly like that. I’m going to create a list of things you have to do. These are nonnegotiable. And… you have…”
Ella ponders, tapping her finger to her chin.
“…you have a year to tick everything off the list. This is going to be so much fun, Eden. I can’t wait to tell the girls. I’m going to WhatsApp the group now.”
Just as she pulls her phone out of her pocket, a loud firm knock at the barn door grabs our attention.
“Who knocks?” Ella looks at me with wonder. “Everyone lets themselves in.”
I let Ella answer the door. I hope it’s not old Mrs. Mitchell from down the road. I bet she’s been looking for any excuse to come visit and get the down-low on my crash. She’s always seriously dehydrated and in need of a full glass of gossip to quench her thirst. She’ll pour it over the town, adding an extra dash of mixer to make the entire story more tasty. How Mr. Mitchell puts up with her, I’ll never know. He’s all, “Yes dear, no dear.” Although behind closed doors, I bet he likes a good spanking with a Reader’s Digest. “Yes dear, no dear, harder dear.” I’ve seen the way he stares at our Ella; it’s always the quiet ones.
Giggling to myself, I hear a faint deep voice combined with Ella’s.
I recognize that voice.
Oh. My. God.