My heart sails away into the sky.
There are so many things to say to him. But sometimes you have to start a meal with dessert. So, I grab his face and kiss him.
It’s better than the last time.
Better than the first time.
I seal my lips to his, my hand wrapping around his head, my fingers teasing into his hair, and laughter and joy bubbling on my tongue.
This kiss tastes like everything I was working for all along.
It’s my hopes and dreams come true.
It’s my big break.
I want this kiss more than I want anything else in the world. His lips are sweet, and he feels like part of my new life in New York.
One of the best parts.
When I break the kiss, I’m dizzy. “I love you,” I say.
Nolan smiles, and I want to remember that smile forever. “I love you, honey,” he says.
Tingles shoot down my spine. “I love it when you call me that.”
“I know you do,” he says, then presses his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry I ended things the other day. I’ve done some foolish things, but that takes the cake. I couldn’t stop thinking how silly it was.”
I shake my head. “You were trying to protect us. I get it.”
“I was, but I don’t want to lose you, no matter what Max says or doesn’t say, and no matter what. Just no matter what.”
I inch away, still riding this adrenaline high. “What changed your mind?”
“You,” he says.
My brow creases. “What do you mean?”
“The way you decided you were staying. You’re so fearless. So bold. And I knew I was going about everything the wrong way. I needed to say fuck it to all my fears too and grab hold of the thing—the person—I want most. You.”
I want to pinch myself to make sure this moment is real. “I want you, and I love you, and I want to do How to Eat a Banana with you in whatever form, but mostly, I want you to know this,” I say, pursing my lips, trying to fight against the knot that’s formed in my throat.
“What is it?” he asks as he strokes my hair.
I lift my chin, resolute. “I thought I had terrible taste in men because I was waiting for you, but that’s not it,” I say softly—but strong too.
He nods knowingly. “It’s something else, isn’t it?”
“You know why?”
“I think I do. But I want to hear it from you.”
“I was afraid to fall in love because Callie wasn’t going to,” I say, and it’s like slicing my skin open, revealing this hurt, exposing my guilt.
But it also feels like a new start.
Like fresh air on my skin. “I was afraid to have love because she wasn’t going to,” I say, my voice trembling.
He slides his fingers through my hair. “I had a feeling that’s what was going on. So, what changed?”
“It started with rollerblading.”
He laughs. “Okay, fill me in.”
“I went with Dot and Bette, and that’s when everything sort of hit me. I’d been hanging on to the pieces of my sister. And I knew I’d been afraid to have all the good things. Like love. This kind of love, big and powerful and terrifying and life-affirming.”
He can’t seem to rein in a grin at my description. “Did you realize she’d want you to?”
“No. I realized I want to. I want to have it,” I say, squaring my shoulders.
His smile warms my soul. “Even better answer. And I want you to have all the good things. Including me.”
“You’re very, very good to me.”
“I am. And I will be,” he says. “I might not be great at a lot of things, but I’m really good at being your boyfriend. I plan to be the best at that. If you’ll let me.”
“Hmm,” I say playfully. “I guess we’ll find out at dinner.”
“Oh, we’re having more than dinner, honey.”
“Does that mean you’ll bend me over the bed and smack me later?”
“Obviously.”
I kiss him a final time, then another, then once more before we go into the hotel. Right away, I spot Marcos and Drive-Thru Babe in the lobby, wrapped in a deep, big congratulatory embrace that tells me their collaboration got the slot.
I head over to them, refusing to feel jealous. I won’t let envy get the better of me. “Congrats,” I tell Marcos. “We’re so excited for you.”
“Yeah, congrats, man,” Nolan says.
“Thank you. I couldn’t be happier,” Marcos says.
Funny thing. Maybe we didn’t get the show, but I couldn’t be happier either.
26
Health Food No More
Nolan
* * *
We aren’t scheduled to meet with Ilene for another fifteen minutes, so after extracting ourselves from the Marcos hug, I pull Emerson into the elevator, push her against the wall, and pin her hands to her sides.
Then I kiss her ruthlessly as we pass each floor on the way to my room. In a heartbeat, she’s grinding against me, seeking out friction with my hard-on as I devour her lips.