I’m feeling good, like maybe I really can do this—until my son comes into view.
One glimpse of him cuddled into Orion’s side on the couch, and my confidence vanishes quicker than a mirage in the desert.
I want to join them, but I can’t. It’s like my feet are cemented in place. My head and heart are waging a silent war. I wish so badly that I could listen to my heart and take a chance on what could be, but I can’t. I’m not brave enough…not reckless enough.
Instead, I loiter just outside of the living room, like a total creeper.
“What’s this one?” Orion asks, pointing to something out of my line of sight.
“Cuh…at,” Maverick sounds out the word before confidently calling out, “Cat!”
Is he… are they…?
My heart constricts painfully in my chest as the pieces fall into place. Orion’s helping my son with his spelling words. Tears burn behind my eyes, and my throat thickens with barely contained emotion.
“Good job, bud!” He points to another word on the page. “And this one?”
He's so good with him—tender and completely engaged. I know Stella says he doesn't like kids, but watching the two of them has a hope I have no business feeling blooming in my chest, no matter what my brain is saying.
“This one’s hard, O,” Maverick grumbles, and it takes me a second to realize he’s calling Orion O. A nickname. Be still my heart, because wow, that’s cute.
“Yeah, but you can do it.” He ruffles Maverick’s unruly hair. “C’mon, sound it out.”
“Duh… duh… ad.” He looks up at Orion with wide eyes. “Dad? Yeah, it’s dad!”
“My man.” Orion holds out his fist. “You totally nailed it.”
They tap their knuckles together and then mime an explosion.
But just as quickly as the celebration begins, it ends. A fact that doesn’t escape Orion’s notice. “What’s wrong, Mav? You did really good.”
“I wish you were my dad.” Those six little words hit me like a gut punch, knocking the wind right out of me.
I take half a step forward, ready to put an end to this whole thing, but Orion beats me to it.
“Why?” His voice comes out strong but soft. How nice for him, because I’m pretty sure I’m crumbling to pieces.
“All of the other kids have dads, and I don’t, ‘cause he’s dead.”
One million.
That’s how many tiny, jagged pieces of my heart settle in my chest as I watch the object of my desire comfort my whole world.
“He may not be here with you physically, but he’s always here.” Orion pats his chest over his heart. “He’s a part of you, and you want to know something else?”
“What?” Maverick whispers, his voice smaller than I’ve ever heard it.
“He loved you, so much.”
“He did?” Maverick pushes away from Orion so that he can look at him. “How do you know?”
I swear, it feels like time comes to a halt as I wait for his reply.
“You’re the coolest kid I know, Mav. You’re smart and funny. And you take such good care of your mama. There’s no way he wouldn’t have loved you.”
“Really?” The wobble in my son’s voice sends a spear of pain through me.
“One-hundred-and-ten percent.” Orion tugs Maverick into his side and hugs him tight. “I’ve only known you a few weeks and I love you, bud.”
“You do?” Even though I can’t see his face, I can picture his expression so clearly—eyes wide and his mouth slightly open in that perfect cupid’s bow he’s had since birth.
“Yeah.” Orion knocks his shoulder into Maverick’s. “Of course I do.”
“Told you,” Stella says from behind me, scaring the ever-loving crap out of me.
“Oh my God!” I whisper-shout, spinning to face her. “What is wrong with you?”
“Asks the creepy stalker lady.”
“I’m not stalking!” I insist. “Or being a creep.” Okay, that one’s a lie.
“So, they know you’re standing here?”
“Um.” I wring my hands together, suddenly feeling like a fool. “I—”
“I’m joking, you’re fine.” She lifts her brows and quirks her lips. “You want a cup of coffee?”
“Always.”
I follow behind Stella to the kitchen and park myself on one of the stools while she makes a fresh pot.
“You wanna talk about it?” she asks, once the machine begins to percolate.
“About what?” I fire back, playing dumb.
Stella blows a raspberry as she takes down two mugs. My eyes flit toward the sink on their own accord, and sure enough, the cup I left outside with Orion is there.
“It’s okay, you know.”
“What is?”
She pours us both coffees and takes a seat on the stool to my left. “It’s okay that you have feelings for my brother.”
A garbled huh is all I can sputter as I choke on air. Stella alternates between patting and rubbing my back.
“Is everything okay in here?” Orion asks, joining our little two-person shitshow.
“Fine,” I wheeze, tears pooling from the force of my coughs.
“Mama!” Maverick rams into my back, wrapping his arms around my waist. “You need the hineylick anewver!”