“Find out?” Tone better reserved for questioning someone reporting an alien encounter, Daniel made an impatient gesture. “You can’t just try out different fantasies in your head? Trust me, I knew long before someone kissed me.”
I didn’t miss his peculiar phrasing there, and my hand tightened on my phone.
“It’s not that simple. I’m not someone with a huge imagination. I’m a hands-on learner. When I…” I trailed off, not really sure we were having this talk.
“When you jerk off,” he prompted, undeterred.
“Yeah. That. I mainly just think about what I’m doing. How good it feels, how to make it feel better. That sort of thing.” The full truth was that I hadn’t much indulged in fantasy. It felt…disrespectful somehow, jerking off to images of people I knew, and porn often seemed like a waste of time when what I really wanted was the rush of orgasm, not an hour browsing the internet. I’d wondered a couple of times if gay porn might seem as boring to me but never let myself hit search. Felt like a box I simply couldn’t let myself open.
“So you’re a virgin?” His scientific curiosity had given way to outright horror.
“I didn’t say that.” I studied my phone like it was a goddamn bomb instructional manual. “There have been a couple of women. Sex is kind of underwhelming, honestly.”
“But you’ve never tried with a guy? Been motivated to see if that was less underwhelming? I mean, maybe you’re some flavor of ace, and that would be cool too, but you never wanted an answer for all those questions in your head?”
“I couldn’t,” I said softly. “Just couldn’t let myself go there while I was enlisted.”
“I get it.” He nodded, but he didn’t. Couldn’t. Even I didn’t completely understand the tight lid I’d kept on this part of myself for years. “But now? Nothing stopping you.”
“You sound like your brother,” I groaned.
“Oh? He’s telling you to go kiss a guy so you can stop wondering?”
Gulp. I swallowed hard. “Well, not that. But to live a little now that I’m out of the service.”
“He’s not wrong.”
“Maybe I’m just not wired to unwind.” I wiped my face again. Damn. When had it gotten even hotter?
“You should take a shower.” Daniel gestured back at the house. “I have six bathrooms. If you’re going to sleep here, you should at least be comfortable.”
“Thanks. I’ve got a change of clothes in the car, so I might take you up on that.”
“Good. And you should take my other advice too.” He gave me a sly wink. Grr. I suppressed a growl. I should have known he wouldn’t let the conversation drop.
“I’m not getting a hookup app to test some vague suspicion.”
“Why get an app?” He put a hand on my arm, suddenly right the fuck next to me, inches away. All the oxygen seemed to leave the courtyard, even the breeze pausing to see what the hell he was after. “You could kiss me. I’m a guy. Then maybe you’d know more.”
Oh, I’d know all right. I’d know so much it might fucking break my brain. There was a reason I’d avoided this reckoning for decades. “Bad idea.”
“Have we really found the one thing that scares you?” His smile turned more than a little feral.
“You’re my best friend’s kid brother.” I clung to the last of my illusions. I was a good guy. I didn’t go violating friendship codes or trampling on the trust others placed in me.
But Daniel simply rolled his eyes. “Half-brother.”
“That’s not going to stop him from kicking my ass. I’m supposed to help you stay safe.”
“You can safely kiss me.” The twinkle in his eye was going to be my undoing. “And then I’ll be helping you. Consider my research help a token of my gratitude.”
Maybe. My resolve cracked further every time he opened his mouth, but the ease with which he used kissing as currency gave my mood a sour edge right along with my voice. “Where I’m from, people use cards to say thanks, maybe a casserole. Not kissing.”
“Fine. Suit yourself.” His face shuttered, all that twinkle leaving, and I missed his sunny warmth instantly, but apparently, he wasn’t going to work at convincing me. He was already walking back into the house, which was a good thing, really. Definitely not something to be disappointed over. Wasn’t like I’d even been seriously tempted.
You fucking liar. Snorting at my ridiculousness, I gathered the tools and followed him inside, finding him in the kitchen with a bottle of sparkling water.
“I’ve got five bedrooms and only one bed, but don’t worry, I’m not going to make you share with me.” There was a new brittleness to his smile I didn’t care for at all.
“The couch is fine. Maybe you can spare one of your stack of blankets?” I tried to make him laugh.