Mandy approaches me with my nephew, Michael. He beams at me, then puts his finger in his mouth. Babies are both adorable and gross most of the time, I start to think.
“Here. He’s very playful right now. And he likes hair. So, you may need to tie yours up first. It feels funny when he yanks your hair the first time, but after some time, it is hurtful.”
I follow her instruction and put my hair up. Thankfully, I have some clips inside my bag. And then I hold my arms up for him.
I expect Michael to cry, but I only hear his bubbling laughter. Then, he snuggles closer to my chest, and I can feel myself tearing up a bit. How could I have known that holding a sweet child is like holding an angel? I feel my heart racing, and I find myself smiling for real this time. I want to feel this way again after this. But how can I do that?
I bounce Michael, and that makes him chuckle. Next, I blow bubbles on his tummy, and he is full of glee. Babies are easier to please, I start to think. And they don’t hold grudges. Michael is all smiles, and I find myself sharing his happiness. Why didn’t I want to have babies before?
Then, my best friend appears. I have been avoiding Reese for days because I can’t explain to her what happened without explaining how I met Owen. I know that she will not judge me for my secret life, but I still feel ashamed for keeping it from her. She says hi to the guests, and it takes some time before she finally spots me. I imagine her anger and then her ignoring me. But she beams at me like I haven’t done anything terrible to her in the past few days.
“Sloane. You’re alive,” Reese exclaims with relief as she approaches me. Then, she eyes Michael, “and holding a baby. I didn’t know that you could hold a baby. You never carried my daughter when she was that small. What did I miss?”
“I miss you,” I whisper. Then, the sadness takes over, and I find myself crying.
“Hey,” she pats my back, “I miss you too. I feel like I lost my leg when you were ignoring me. But I…Kane mentioned something happening in the office. So, I thought you needed space. But your brother and I agreed that if you didn’t come out of your hiding after your work break, we would call the police and barge into your home.”
I dry my tears and bounce Michael again. I don’t know if sadness is contagious, and I don’t want him to lose the joy in his face.
“You look good with a baby,” Reese comments. “You look like a mother.”
“I miss being connected with people,” I blurt out. “I have been so alone my whole life that I turned into an ice queen who pushes everyone away. But I’m just so scared that if I let someone in, they’ll have more power to hurt me.”
Reese knows the trauma that I experienced with my parents. And she understood how bad it affected me, even when I was not ready to admit it to myself. I realize now that I like her because she’s like that. She doesn’t force me to say or do anything I’m uncomfortable with, but she supports me. She waits for me to be ready to tell her things, and then she listens. The truth is Reese is like a sister to me too, just like Mandy.
At this moment, she doesn’t reply and waits for me to continue.
“And now, I want to connect with family and friends again. But I fear that years of isolation and apathy have taken them away from me.”
Instead of saying anything, Reese grabs my arm and turns me around. We’re looking at all the guests at my nephew’s birthday party. Most of them are people I have known in my whole adult life. They are friends of my brother who were like brothers to me too. Then, there is Mandy’s family, who quickly took me in like I was always part of their family. The people I work with are here too.
“You have these — family and friends. You just need to open your eyes and realize that they are always here for you. They are always just waiting for you to talk to them again,” Reese explains, and I laugh. “What?”
“I just realized that this is the most serious that we have been since after you married Kane.”
Reese laughs, then puts a fake frown on her lips. “Well, serious doesn’t suit my face.”
I laugh again, but Reese is right. I just need to learn how to forge those connections again. It makes me happy that there can be a better life for me — one filled with friends and family who love me. But then, there is a soft tug in my heart because it knows that there are two other people not here that I also want in my life — Myah and Owen.