Myah has run away from me because of God knows what, and Ms. Sloane Keeley, I don’t understand what her deal is, but I’m annoyed with her too. I want to shout and order both of them around. But I’m afraid that it will draw Myah further away from me.
Sloane finally returns with the coffee and sits on the empty chair across from me. We both look at Myah because she still hasn’t answered my question. I have a clue about it, but I want to hear it from her.
My daughter finally looks up and meets my eyes. “Dad, how much do you know about me?”
I furrow my brows and look at her intently.
She sighs. “Clearly, you know nothing about me.”
“And that’s partly why your mom and I decided for you to stay with her. We thought—”
Myah shakes her head and laughs bitterly. “Mom? You think mom was a good choice? Are we even referring to the same person? Haven’t you seen how mom acts? She cares more about herself, and since I’m being open and honest — she’s more materialistic than maternal.”
I want to refute her. But I do know my ex-wife, and that’s precisely what she is. It also doesn’t help that I’m also aware that Laura doesn’t really like having a daughter. She has only acted in front of the judge and the social worker because of the money. So now, I want to kick myself for not fighting harder for Myah. That’s something that I have to make up for if she lets me.
“You know what Mom has done to me? Dress me up for her friends. For her, I’m merely a doll to show off. I mean, I have more clothes than I can wear in my lifetime. And the thing is, I don’t even like the way she dresses me. So, in the end, I have fewer clothes to wear. Mom doesn’t even give me money to buy my own. So, you know what I had to do? I sell some of the dresses that she bought me to buy these things,” she points at pajamas. I grimace, but Myah grins. “To be honest, it was worth it. I met some of my closest friends because of those clothes.”
“Myah. I’m really sorry. I—”
But she cuts in again, “I’m not yet done, Dad. Buying me all those dresses is not the worst thing she has done. The worst is that she doesn’t even let me speak for myself. Whenever we are with her friends, I’m literally just a doll to be looked at. So I always need to be quiet. And she, well, she sometimes hits me when I try to say something.”
What the fuck! That is news to me, and I want nothing more now than to hit something — Laura is preferable, but I can’t do that.
“Myah, I will make sure that you will never ever see your mother again. I will talk with my lawyers and have her sign an agreement. You’ll be safe with me, honey.”
But Myah laughs at that statement too. What am I not seeing here? Why am I not even aware that my daughter hates — no, despises me?
“Dad, no offense, but you’re not exactly as great as you think you are. In some ways, you can be just as cruel as a mom is, except you’re not always around to make me suffer. Yet, you know what, Dad, I’m not even your daughter for the few moments that you were there with us. I was only one of your army recruits, just an obedient follower.”
Myah’s eyes look sad. And it’s slowly dawning on me that as much as I want to only blame Laura for everything, I shouldn’t.
My daughter looks up at me again and stares into my eyes. “You and Mom, you don’t really know who I am.”
I breathe deeply and try to collect my thoughts. I’m so close to just crossing the small distance between my daughter and me and hugging her. Words will never be enough to make up for everything we have done to her. Laura and I are probably the worst parents ever.
And I also realize that maybe that is one of the reasons why Myah is drawn to Sloane. They share the same stories.
Sloane wasn’t acting when I saw her at the restaurant. She is terrified of her father and her situation. Her father has her in reins, and she can’t even do anything without looking at her back, without her dad doing something to lock her up again. Myah and Sloane are both pawns to their parents, and that makes me sad and angry at myself. And yet, there’s no point in drowning myself in self-pity. This has to change.
So, I turn to Myah and hold her hand.
“I’m sorry, Myah. That may not mean much to you right now. But I promise to work more to be the father you deserve. I admit that I was scared that you’d only hate me if I fought for you because I don’t know how to be a good father. I only know how to be a soldier, and I understand now that it is not what you want or need. So, I want to start over. Can we do that?”