‘Oh, Papa. No one cheated me. And I don’t want you to find me a good husband. I promise I just need to stay here for a while and then I will get my own place and be out of your hair.’
‘Your own place? Out of my hair? What is this Western nonsense? You are my daughter and you will stay with us for as long as you are unmarried.’
‘Oh, Papa,’ I sigh.
He grabs my hand. ‘This is your home. As long as I am alive you have a home here. Nobody can kick you out.’ My father exhales loudly.
‘I’ve missed you, Papa.’
He nods slowly. ‘I’ve made a mess of everything, Snow. A horrible mess. Do you know that you could recognize and follow my voice from the time you were born? You would turn your big, green eyes and stare at me. But I didn’t have time for you. I was too busy. And for what? I lost it all anyway. Now I sit here in this little room and turn the TV up too loud and pretend to be bad-tempered so no one will come in. I’m an old fool.’
‘You’re not an old fool, Papa,’ I say sadly.
‘Yes, I am. No one will know my regrets, except me. Now go and see your mother. She will be very happy to see that you have come home.’
‘I’ll see you at dinner, OK?’
‘Yes, yes,’ he says softly.
I stand up and kiss him.
I leave my father’s room and as I am closing the door I see my mother coming down the corridor. She is dressed in a housecoat. She stops mid-step. Her eyes widen.
‘Hello, Mum.’
She recovers herself and walks up to me. A year has made no difference to her. She is as beautiful and as distant as ever.
‘You look different,’ she tells me. She stares at me. ‘Something happened to you …’
I drop my eyes.
‘Something bad,’ she says.
I inhale a quick breath and meet her inquisitive gaze. ‘Yes, but I’m fine now.’
‘Tell me what happened to you,’ she says sternly.
I shake my head. ‘Oh, Mum. You know what happened to me.’ In spite of myself my voice breaks.
‘I warned you, but you’ve always been too wild, too rebellious, too clever for your own good.’ Her tone is cold and unforgiving.
And then I see it in her face. She is not sorry for me. She is glad that I have been punished. I have acted impulsively and I have been punished.
‘Is it OK for me to live here for a while?’ I ask softly.
‘Of course. Where else would you go?’
‘Thanks, Mum.’
‘I’ll go and tell Vijaya to lay an extra place for you for dinner. Why don’t you go and have a shower and freshen up? You can fill me in later. It’s been so long since I’ve been in London.’
And then she walks away. I turn to watch her go. What have I ever done to you to make you hate me so?
I know my time here will be short. I have a little money still and I must find a way to go to the city and find a job there. I will make it on my own. I can make it on my own. I will become a pre-school teacher.
I think of Shane. He seems to belong to a different world. I wonder what he is doing now, and immediately I feel a tearing pain in my chest. I take his photo out and look at it. Are you well? Are you safe, my darling? I trace his jaw line with my finger. I stroke his body and the tears come hard.
Oh, Shane, Shane, Shane.