‘No.’
‘Nobody ever will again, will they?’
‘No,’ I moan.
‘Because this is all mine. I own all of this now, don’t I?’
‘Yes, yes, yes.’
His finger drums relentlessly at the side of my clit. The sensation causes a rush of aching warmth to start flooding my body. He keeps up the thrusts and the drumming until I explode and splinter into a thousand pieces. I am slumped against the glass when I feel him climax. He comes with a fierce bark of humorless laughter.
I rest against the glass panting, slowly returning.
‘Do you know,’ he whispers close to my ear, his voice sensation soaked, lazy. ‘I dreamed about you.’
‘Really,’ I murmur. I am pleasantly satiated. I want to keep him inside me forever.
‘Don’t you want to know what I dreamed?’
‘What did you dream?’ My voice is lazy, playful.
‘We went out, we had dinner, we had sex… And then you betrayed me.’
I freeze, the blood congealing in my veins. He saw me coming!
In the glass I see his face gleaming dimly, as insubstantial as a ghost. It is a moment so simple, but so heightened because of that very simplicity. Life rarely offers such moments of profound clarity. It is as if I have trained for years for this moment. I see its preciousness glittering like a cornered rat’s eyes. Kill or be killed. Hesitating is to make the second choice.
I whisk around, eyes wide, clumsy and unsteady in my heels.
His face is tight as a carved marble bust. The glass behind my back is shockingly cold and the silence between us is leaden. Suddenly I feel the way Eve must have felt, so naked, so exposed, and so fucking guilty.
He stands a foot away from me, touching distance, and simply looks at me. As if he is looking at a piece of modern art and trying to figure out what the artist intended to say with his senseless splashes of color. I try to imagine what he must be seeing.
After you cut all the bullshit about making the world a safer place and my gnawing shame that I was not there for Luke when he needed me, what is left? A sad, lonely, despicable bitch, who tried to use her body to get some information and failed miserably.
I open my mouth and, honestly, I don’t know what I was planning to say, but he lays a silencing finger across my lips.
‘Don’t lie, baby,’ he advises softly.
I shake my head. I can feel the tears gathering at the backs of my eyes. I blink hard and fast. He takes his hand away.
‘Did you tell them about the sixteenth?’
Dismay curves my spine. I close my eyes and nod.
I hear him sigh softly.
I open my eyes and he is looking at me with an expression so sad that I want to press my body against his and hold him, but I can’t. I couldn’t bear it if he pushed me away. God! It had seemed so real only a moment ago and yet it was all only a mirage. I feel my body trembling.
‘When did you find out?’ My voice is just a string.
‘Maybe I always knew. I just didn’t want to believe it.’
‘How?’ A part of me wants to know where I went wrong.
One corner of his lips twists. ‘Everything about you was off. You were too clean to be a runaway. And a runaway who has never let a man come inside her before? And there is one more thing that you might want to reconsider before you go back to being an undercover asset. You talk in your sleep.’
‘I do?’ I say hoarsely.