s softly.
I get out of the car, sad and confused. He waits until I get into the door of my apartment building before he drives off. I lean against the wall of the foyer and listen to his car blast off into the night before I slowly climb the stairs up to my flat. I let myself in. There is a lamp burning in the living room. I walk to the sofa and sink heavily into it. It feels as if my whole world has just collapsed.
I’m in love with a man I cannot understand. A man who is closed off to me. The only time he’s real with me is when we’re in bed, but tonight, for no reason that I can see, he has rejected even that from me.
I know we have something.
It feels so real, but is it enough?
I go into my bedroom and sit in front of my dressing table. My face looks dazed and lost and I feel like crying, but I don’t. I tell myself that I am strong. I can be strong for him and for me.
One day he will tell me what’s wrong.
One day I will make his demons go away. Until that day, I will be here waiting and loving him. I cleanse my face, get into my pajamas, and finish my toilette. Then I go back into the living room and listen to music.
I listen to Heart singing ‘Stairway to Heaven’. And the sadness of the song makes me tear up. The song ends, and my phone buzzes. A message from Dom. I am so desperate to open the message that I drop the phone. I pick it up and click on the text.
Are you still up?
My hands shake as I type in my one word reply: Yes. And click send. I cover my mouth and wait. The phone sounds again almost immediately.
Don’t go 2 bed. Coming round in 10 minutes.
I stare at it. And suddenly it’s as if I’ve been told I’ve won the lottery. I leap up from the sofa and run to the bedroom. I get out of my PJs and slip into a sexy nightie. It’s see-through with a plunging neckline and little pearl buttons. I light some scented beeswax candles. I slick on nude lip gloss. Standing in front of the mirror, I brush my hair and dab perfume onto my wrists.
Once I’m satisfied with my appearance, I go back to the living room and because I gave him a key to my flat last week I arrange myself in a sexy pose on the sofa. I hear his key in the door and hurriedly fluff my hair. The door opens. He stands for a moment in the doorway and sways slightly. Then he comes in and, closing the door, leans against it. I stare at him. He is dead drunk!
‘Hey there, tiger,’ he drawls.
‘Hey, you,’ I say cautiously.
He starts walking toward me, stumbles once, rights himself, and continues on his journey to me.
‘You drove here like this?’ I ask incredulously.
He nods.
‘God! Dom. You can barely stand. You could have killed yourself. Or someone else.’
‘I didn’t,’ he mutters, ‘kill anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
I stand. ‘I’ll make some coffee for you,’ I say, heading toward the kitchen. I love him, but I’m not going to condone drunk driving. As I pass him, his hand shoots out and he pulls me into his hard body.
‘I spent a lot of time and money to get into this state. I don’t want to sober up just yet, thanks,’ he says.
I look into his eyes. There’s no real focus in them. If I’m going to find out anything, now is the best time. ‘OK. Come sit with me and let’s talk.’
He shakes his head slowly. ‘I didn’t get this way to sit and talk with you.’
‘What do you want to do, Dom?’
‘What I always want to do when I’m around you, Ella.’
A chill comes into my body. Here. Cold, clear proof that I am nothing but a good fuck. I’m in love with the guy, and all he wants from me is sex.
‘Is that all you want from me?’
He frowns and peers at me. ‘Awww, Ella. We have this. Isn’t this good?’