Chapter Twenty-Three
Raven
We comedownstairs and Konstantin builds a nest for us in front of the big fire with blankets and pillows. Konstantin covers me with a thick blanket before he goes to stoke the roaring fire. I watch the slabs of his muscles glisten in the light from the flames. I have never seen a man who is so perfectly toned. He must work out like crazy.
He turns his head. “Are you warm enough?”
The air has chilled considerably in the vast hall, but by the fire it is deliciously warm. I nod, feeling satiated and at peace with the world. He gets up and brings the tray of fresh fruit and cheese with our two glasses of wine. He sets them next to me and lays down beside me. I burrow into his hard, warm body. He feeds me cheese, which makes me laugh. He stares at my face and touches my mouth.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers.
I can’t keep the dopey smile off my face. Who would have thought that getting attacked and nearly robbed in an alley was the best thing that could have happened tome?
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, his deep voice a gentlepurr.
“How lucky I am to have met you that night.”
“You did not seem to find it so lucky then. You seemed very annoyed.”
I laugh again. “I wasn’t annoyed. I was shit-scared. Some guys just attacked me and you showed up out of nowhere like some real-life ninja.”
“You were so fiery I was waiting for you to slap myface.”
I bite my lower lip. “Slap you? Hell, Konstantin, you have no idea. I was so incredibly attracted to you. Everything about you, your scent, your body, your face, all of it was like a shot of some drug direct into my veins. I was so high I couldn’t even think properly.” I smile. “And to be perfectly honest, that is still a problem today.”
“It’s a fucking massive problem over here too. You’re so sexy. I can’t even concentrate on my work. I just want to fuck you all thetime.”
I breathe deeply, letting the thrill of that statement wash over me. He’s told me I’m sexy a few times now, but I’ll never tire of hearing it. The fire crackles loudly and it startles me. He tightens his hold onme.
“I never did thank you properly for that night. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t arrived when youdid.”
“Yes, it could have been bad for you. Is that the most frightening thing that has ever happened toyou?”
I stare hard into the flames, not looking away even as my eyes begin to water. “No,” I say after a long while.
“Really? What’s worse than being almost robbed and raped?”
The memory drops like a cool weight into my stomach. I close my eyes to say it. I shrug. “It’s a tie between two things.”
He doesn’t speak, just lets me gather my thoughts and decide whether I want to elaborate. I like this about him. His stillness and patience. I’m so used to Cindy, who knows that if she keeps on going I’ll eventually break down and tell her whatever she wants to hear just so she’ll leave me alone.
I glance up at him. He is looking down at me, but there is that odd, almost sad look in his face. The expression makes me wonder whether I know him at all. I suddenly remember him saying he can’t have love. What deep pain does this beautiful man carry in his heart? I decide that it doesn’t matter if he won’t, or just can’t tell me about himself, I’ll open up to him. Let him into my pain and my sadness.
“Do you really want toknow?”
“Of course,” he says immediately.
“The thing that frightened me more than almost being robbed and raped is connected to my sister.” I clear my throat. “Janna’s mother. Octavia and I were only a year apart, but all my life she had taken care of me as if she was years older. She was very fierce about it. Once she ripped out a fistful of hair from a girl who tried to con me out of my lunch money.”
In my mind’s eye I see her grabbing the girl, her face contorted and mean. I squeeze my eyes shut, but the tears are already coming, dripping out from beneath mylids.
“Three years ago she came to see me. I was living with Mum then and I still remember her footsteps coming up the stairs. She sat on my bed and told me she was sick. Breast cancer. But not to worry, they had caught it early. The doctors told her she had a very good chance of beating it. She took my hands in hers and said she was determined to fight it with every fiber she had. She told me all this like we were chatting about the weather.”
Not wanting Konstantin to see me cry, I stay curled against his side and wipe my eyes with the back of myhand.
“She was so brave and positive, and there was so much life in her. It is the most unbelievable thing, but I looked at her that day and I knew in my gut that she wasn’t going to live much longer. I sat there and pretended everything was going to be all right, but I knew. I knew. I knew. My sister was dying right before my eyes. That was my most terrifyingday.”
I drop my head further, tears spilling onto my lap. Just talking about that day sends me hurtling backwards and plants me in the middle of the days before Octavia died. Her cool voice crooning to me, and the care she took to comfort me as though I was the one who was dying, and leaving my daughter an orphan.
“I’ll never forgive myself for that, for making her comfort me when I should have been the one comforting her.” I’m blubbering now. There’s no helping it. I can’t talk about her, can’t even think about her without feeling fragile.
Konstantin takes me into his arms and just holds me while I unravel completely. My shoulders shake as I weep into his chest. His heat is a comfort. I press into it, needing that warmth, that strength. I haven’t really let myself lean on anyone since Octavia passed, not even Cindy. I’ve just kept all of it inside me, locked and hidden. It feels good to let it out, to not hide that burden, even if just for a moment.
When the worst of the tears have passed and I’m less of a sniffling, sobbing mess, Konstantin tilts my face up to his and wipes the last of my tears away. There is a gentle expression on his face that I would never have believed him capable of. His eyes calm me and for the first time I see that he cares for me, honestly and truly. It’s such a comfort after so much time alone, struggling to do what I can for Janna.
He kisses my wet face. “Tragedy comes to all of us,” he whispers sadly.
A shiver runs down my back, and I nestle deeper into his embrace.
For a while there is only our two hearts beating in perfect harmony. Then he speaks. “And the second thing that frightened you more than three thugs attacking you in that alley?”
I exhale. “I saw a man killed right in front ofme.”