She was in our room when I got there sitting in the middle of the bed rocking back and forth. I could see tear tracks on her face as she looked at me with her sad eyes. I stood back against the wall and watched her not saying anything. My gut was in knots because I knew what I had to do but I sure the fuck didn’t want to. If she really saw me that way there was only one thing I could really do. I didn’t want her or anyone else thinking of me that way, but I didn’t want to do it in anger. Most importantly I didn’t want her feeling trapped, it would kill me, fucking gut me for sure. But love was a weird thing it made you see things differently. Yes I wanted her more than anything else in this world, but if she saw me as a monster I had to let her go, because in the end all I wanted was her happiness. I prayed for the strength to do this even as I fought against the decision in my mind, still not understanding how we’d come to this.
“Get your stuff I’m taking you home.”
“No Matthew wait I said I was sorry please.” She came off the bed and tried to touch me but I shrugged her off.
“What you said was fucking despicable Kadyn, I don’t think anyone has ever cut me that deep before and I’ll be fucked if it ever happens again. If you think my looking out for you is the same as stalking you then that’s no good. I’ve tried to be good to you and for you but obviously I’ve just been kidding myself. Like you said you don’t need another asshole in your life so…”
“Matthew I shouldn’t have said that but don’t you think that you’re blowing this whole thing out of proportion?”
“Are you fucking insane? You called me a fucking monster you compared me to a fucking pedophile who tormented you for four fucking years so no I’m not overreacting.” I wanted to shake the shit out of her for fucking up our lives, for saying that foul shit to me and for everything that she was taking away from me. My anger burned hot and furious, the hours I’d spent away hadn’t done shit because I was still pissed. My head was going in ten different directions at once and my heart had already exploded in my chest.
“I said I didn’t mean it…”
“You don’t get to say that shit to me, you said it you meant it now let’s go.” I almost threw the fuck up just saying those words. I had flashes of a life without her and they almost brought me to my knees, but I couldn’t see beyond the anger and the hurt. Maybe I was right all along maybe I am destined to be fucked when it came to women. I knew one thing for sure I was never doing this shit again, no fucking way. But how could I let her go? How could I just walk away from her, who was going to look out for her when I’m gone? I didn’t want anyone else taking care of her, holding her, loving her; I couldn’t bare the thought. But what was I supposed to do? There was a battle going on inside me as she stood there watching me, then out of nowhere she pounced.
“You’re not breaking up with me over this Matthew Steele.” What the fuck? She actually pushed me back against the wall, I was too shocked to react at first and that gave her leeway to carry on with what she had to say.
“I’m sorry that I said those things but they were coming from a place of anger. I’d just been attacked by someone I thought was a friend and to have my boyfriend practically accuse me of cheating on him was the last straw. I didn’t come looking for you Matthew, you came after me remember? I didn’t want to put myself out there but you pushed and pushed and now here we are.”
Each word was punctuated by a poke to my chest and tears, she was also shaking like a leaf and her words were not too steady. I got the feeling she was trying really hard to be brave and even as pissed as I was at her I was proud as fuck that she had the balls to stand up to me. I fought back a smile as she spat at me in her fury. I’d never heard her cuss before but when she started telling me what she would do to my manhood if I left her I couldn’t hold back the laughter anymore. And just like that it was over, the anger, the hurt and truth be told, the fear. Looks like Kitten and I had just had our first major fight and we’d won. There was still the question of whether or not I could let her get away with saying that rancid shit to me though.