“Apart from this thing that you’re not ready to talk about, is there anything stopping you from being with me? And I don’t mean the usual female hang-ups and bullshit.” She looked at me like she had no idea what I was saying. That makes two of us.
“I guess what I’m asking is if there’s someone or something stopping you from getting involved? And before you answer I think it only fair to warn you that I mean to have you no matter what.”
“I don’t think that’s the way relationships are supposed to work Matthew.”
“I don’t know shit about relationships Kadyn. I had one girlfriend since I was about fourteen or fifteen. We knew each other before we got together, but this is different. This is nothing like that; I don’t want it to be anything like that. The way you make me feel is all- new, never felt anything like it before in my life. When I look at you something strange happens inside me, fuck if I know what it is or what it means.”
“I don’t think I understand.”
“I’ll try to explain then. When I look at you or think about you my mind and my heart does weird shit. One minute I want to grab you and kiss the shit out of you and the next I want to shake you because I don’t want these feelings. Does that make sense to you?”
“I guess, but I guess I don’t get why it’s so important to you, I mean we don’t even know each other…”
“None of that matters, I know what I feel, maybe it’s because you came into my life at a time when I felt like I was drowning I don’t know. But whatever you’re packing packs a punch.”
“Why were you drowning?”
“That’s a conversation for another time, some time soon when we’re alone together I’ll tell you the whole sordid tale. So you never answered my question. Is there something standing in our way?”
“Not that I know of.” her hand was really shaking now but I pretended not to notice, just held it tighter.
“Back to the school thing, you’re gonna need your manuscripts from your high school…” I cut myself off when she froze up on me again. “Kadyn, what is it?” She hung her head down and shook it in the negative but I wasn’t about to give up that easily. “Talk to me, why can’t you get your manuscripts from school, didn’t you graduate?”
“He’ll find me if I try.”
Those words spoken so softly were like a bucket of cold water in the face. My gut did its usual churning thing and my fighting instinct kicked in. “Who Kadyn, who is he?” She looked at me with such pleading in her eyes that it tore at my heart. I wanted to snatch her up and leave, take her home and lock her away to protect her. Somehow I knew instinctively that that’s what she needed, but why, and from what, who?
She didn’t make any move to answer my question and I found myself losing patience. Chill Matt, you promised her time. Yeah but that was before she threw that shit in the mix. I didn’t push her any farther but now I was sure that I wouldn’t wait for her to tell me. Sitting there holding her hand, sensing the angst in her, the slight tremble in her frame it was as if the old Matt had found his balls. Something had happened to her of that much I was sure. I’d known it that day on the sidewalk, had almost sensed the fear, so why had I just walked away?
What the fuck had I been doing in the last few weeks anyway? How had I let myself become that guy? Had I really given Patti that much power over me? Had I been so blind that I hadn’t seen it? Whatever! This shit was finally opening my eyes. It was time to get my head out of my ass; I have to get out of here first though. I needed time alone to get my shit together, that’s when I do my best thinking these days it seems. When I’m locked away in my room with no distractions and this shit needed all my attention. What a time for me to come back to myself. It wasn’t lost on me that weeks of searching and questioning had done nothing to clear my head but her reaction had worked as a catalyst of sorts.
“I’m taking you home I have some things to do and I’m not leaving you here.” I stood and got Josh’s attention in the water. He and the others came out and joined us. “What’s up bro?” he dried his hair sending water all over us.
“Something came up we need to go.” He looked at me knowingly before nodding. No one was put out by the early leave even though I offered to have Kadyn drop me off home so they could stay. “ Nah we came together we leave together, besides we did what we came for.” He grinned at his wife.