Right now anger is my friend I’ll hold onto that bad boy for as long as I could because to do anything else might break me.
I kept myself busy, but in the back of my mind, somewhere in my subconscious, I knew I was on autopilot.
My movements were somewhat mechanical as I geared myself up for the next step.
Homework done, shower over with, I made Michael dinner but nibbled on a carrot stick which I fought to keep down.
By seven o’clock I was curled up in bed under the covers.
I have no interest in my Facebook page or calling any of the friends I’d left behind in Arizona.
I have no friends here to speak of except for the Steeles and I learned today that they weren’t my friends after all.
Vanessa hadn’t even looked at me, Matthew had given me a few furtive glances here and there as I sat at that table alone and chewed my way through an apple, fighting nausea every step of the way.
Joshua, well....... he took the cake.
It’s as though I never existed, he passed me in the hall on the way to one of his classes which I’d gathered he’d somehow changed to get away from me.
I looked; I couldn’t help looking at him that one time to see if there was anything there anyway to reach him.
He’d been stone cold; I could only wish to be that merciless.
I finally fell asleep after anger had kicked the shit out of melancholy and won.
Fuck him then, the whole fucking school could fuck off.
The next day I drove my piece of shit truck since Michael had had his guy look at it and they’d decided other than the fact that it was an eyesore it was drivable.
I got a sick sense of satisfaction out of knowing that Joshua hated the truck, he was going to hate my outfit even more.
Not that I was dressing with him in mind but my gear is my armor and the princess bitch was back in full force.
My thigh high, low heeled Hermes boots over skinny jeans, an off the shoulder Cashmere sweater in my signature winter white with large diamond hoops and matching bracelets, hair flowing down my back and blown pin straight, lips glossed to a high sheen. This bitch was fierce. Fuck if I needed someone else to tell me that shit.
I have a mirror, I have eyes I can see that shit.
Mother fuckers knew to stay out of my way when I walked down the halls with my Chanel shades and attitude popping off of me like neon signs.
Bitches better not say anything loud enough for me to hear, the little mouse Steele tried to turn me into was nowhere to be found.
I was me again, the fact that I had to fight to hold onto that attitude didn’t faze me, I pushed that shit back hard.
I was back to saying fuck you to everyone and everything.
Three and a half hours later when I walked into the cafeteria I found out I’d gone through all that for nothing. He wasn’t here.
In fact he missed the next two days as well and each day was a stab to the heart.
I almost preferred to have him here giving me the cold shoulder than not seeing him at all.
I missed the fuck out of him, his laugh, that cocky smirk smile of his, his wild as fuck hair, even his annoying bossiness.
I wanted so badly to know where he was, what he was doing, was he back with that Josie bitch?
That thought made my stomach feel like I’d swallowed battery acid it also made me livid.
This was so unfair, he’d fucked up so why should I pay, why should I bend to his will?
What had I done that was so bad? I had no answers and no one to turn to to get them.
I felt like getting the fuck out, like just packing my shit up and heading out.
I had a nice little nest egg from all the times I’d made Paula pad my account when she wanted something. Shit she could afford it, or at least Don could.
I could just disappear somewhere, leave all this craziness behind, forget I’d ever met the golden boy of the beautiful eyes and the hot as fuck body.
Yeah, I had about as much chance of doing that as I did forgetting my own name.
The weekend was the worse this fucking rinky-dink town had nothing to do to begin with, add a touch of the blues and I was fucked.
Sunday evening I just decided to drive around Sea Crest, no destination in mind just something to do to break up the monotony.
I ended up at the diner where some of the other kids from school were hanging out.
Over a plate of Pasta Primavera which I barely touched, I listened to the snickers and hoots of laughter around me.