His smile reaches his eyes before they dart away, and I bristle where I stand, utterly clueless on how to let him off the hook. He made the decision not to see me, and I need to respect it. “I’ll go, but I…I’m guessing this came from you?” I pull the envelope from my pocket and open it, knowing what’s inside. He watches me intently as the key falls to my palm.
“It’s mint. I checked it out. Brakes are good,” he glances over his shoulder at the car. “He would have wanted you to have it.”
“I want it so much. Is that wrong?”
“Not at all. It’s yours.”
I glance over to where Dominic’s Camaro sits and back to him. “Do you really believe that?”
He pulls a cigarette from his pack. “You were the only one who loved it as much as he did. Title’s in the dash.”
I nod toward his cigarette. “You should quit that.”
“So I’ve been told, a thousand times,” he says on an exhale, his tone thawing by the second.
“She’s beautiful, Sean, really.”
“Yeah,” there’s nothing but pride in his voice. “She is.”
“I’m glad you found…” I shake my head, a blush of embarrassment threatening as he exhales a cloud of smoke past my shoulder. My fingers itch to trace the small scar where his lip ring use to lay. “Well, I should probably,” I hitch a thumb over my shoulder, “I have to be somewhere.” We both know it’s a lie, and his telling hazel eyes call me on it, “and thank you again for this, it means a lot but…mostly, I just really wanted to see you…it’s been a long time.”
He nods, his gaze dropping to his boot as he stomps out his cigarette. “It has.”
“I wanted to reach out so many times—” my voice starts to shake when I sense his hesitation. “I just…I couldn’t…come home without…I just, I’m so glad you seem to be doing well. That’s so good.”
Do not cry. Do not cry.
I let myself get one last long look at him and let out a shuddered exhale. “It was so good to see you, take care, Sean. And thank you,” I say, lifting the key.
“You too,” is all he says as I back away and grip my bag rolling it away from him while burning the memory of him into my mind one last time.
Legs shaking, I make it to the Camaro as the sun slips back behind the clouds, as if mocking me. Peering inside the car, I steady my breaths and grip
the handle before I open the door. The smell alone has my eyes watering.
“You might be trouble. But you’re still more. A lot more.” The rumble of his voice has me glancing over my shoulder toward the road so he can’t see me break with his words. I don’t look up as he walks over to where I stand, frozen on the side of the car. Lungs burning from the sobs I’m tamping down, I keep my head turned, my gaze averted, knowing I won’t be able to look at Sean again without letting him truly see what I’m feeling.
He brushes the hair away from my shoulder as I fight the onslaught of emotions his gentle touch causes. How many times had he touched me this way? Visibly shaking, I white knuckle the door frame to keep myself from buckling.
“I just…really wanted to see you.”
“Can’t do that if you aren’t looking at me.” He gently takes my chin in his hands and turns me to face him, and my tears spill in rapid succession. In his eyes, I see the remnants of the man who looked at me not so long ago with nothing but adoration, love, lust, and longing. I see it all in those seconds, the love we had, the love we distorted, our friendship, our season together—my golden sun. So much to say, and the fear I may never get it out, that he may never want to hear it.
“I still think about you, Cecelia. It’s impossible not to.”
Unraveling, I bite my lip to control my shaking jaw. I still feel so much for this man. But this is the part I swore I’d let myself have, let myself feel, let myself confess. I owe it to both of us. “I can’t tell you…” I let myself get swept away by his gaze and the vulnerability he’s allowing me to see. His eyes are swimming with our memories, more than that, with love. He’s giving me more precious seconds, and I can’t for the life of me look away or deny his gift. “I-I-I-,” I swallow. “Me too.” The floodgates open, and emotions overwhelm me. Sean was the first man I ever truly loved, and one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever known. “Are you happy?”
He gives me an easy nod, even with his eyes brimming with emotion. “So fucking happy, Pup. I am.”
“G-g-ood. I’m so…I just, I never got to say goodbye,” I choke out. “I never got to say goodbye and,” I sob in my hands briefly and feel his arms surround me. “You were my best friend, more than that, so much more. Everything got so fucked up, and I just, God, I missed you for so long. You were my first love, and I loved you, Sean. I really loved you. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Fuck that,” he murmurs, pulling my head to his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I never reached out after it happened, I’m sorry I let him get between us, that I wasn’t man enough to…I blamed you, but it was easier. I fucked up too. But I was so…lost, so fucking lost.”
“I know,” I whisper, “me too.”
“I never wanted you to hurt, I hope you believe me,” he whispers to my temple.
I nod, gathering my fragments and ash and trying my best to get it together. “I do. And if you’re happy…that’s all I want.”