I’m now that girl.
The one constant that eats at me is if this is something they do on the regular, can I condemn the women before me?
Hell no, and I hate that. But I want to. So much. Jealousy burns me at the knowledge I’m not the first. Yet in a way, it makes me feel less alone because I share a secret with them.
But what’s become of them?
Am I different?
Damn them both.
They have to know what a head trip this is. I doubt Dominic cares, but Sean knows, and he’s waiting on my verdict.
It’s another decision.
Restless, I turn on the shower and try to drown my anxious thoughts out with the spray of water.
The morals we’re taught early on are meant to guide us, and without them, we’re directionless. But Sean doesn’t follow the norm or the guidelines that most of society adheres to. He’s an independent thinker who navigates his life by his gut, living decision by decision.
He lives unapologetically in the grey. So does Dominic. But what can that mean long term?
What of soulmates? Love of your life? One and only? These sayings exist for a reason as well. One.
One man, one woman, or one partner for everyone.
Not two. There’s ‘The One.’ Not ‘The Two.’
But for some. For some…
Welcome to my world.
There’s also ‘college phase,’ ‘that year I was promiscuous,’ ‘before I met,’ these are also sayings I’ve read about, heard over the years.
Though my experience is limited in the telling of these stories, save the one I just earned, I know they exist. From what I’ve gathered, the college phase is always about promiscuity, freeing your inhibitions for an allotted time, and same-sex curiosity. Isn’t that one and the same of what I’ve just experienced? Aren’t I allowed time to explore my sexual prowess and expand it, if I so desire?
Soulmate and one true love haven’t been on my list of priorities since Jared hurt me.
One day. Sometime in the future. But does it have to be now?
No.
It doesn’t. I do care for Sean in a way that’s too far gone to pull back completely.
And though the arrival of my feelings for Dominic surprise me, along with our connection, he doesn’t have to be Mr. Right.
No doubt, he’s not. Dominic doesn’t seem to be a forever type of man.
Falling for Sean is becoming inevitable. I love the way he cares for me, the way he makes me feel—the comfort his presence allows me to fully be myself.
Own it.
I’ll drive myself crazy if I don’t.
I can’t even bring myself to regret it.
Out of a scalding shower, I study my reflection in the mirror and don’t back away from what I see. Skin tinted pink from the water; I let my eyes roam freely, searching for flaws, searching for a reason not to look.
All that I expect to feel, gazing at my reflection, I don’t.