Sarah sipped her cocktail as if for courage and he could see her shoulders suddenly slump, her eyes fade, and he almost wished the compassion back.
‘I won’t accept the job or the chance because I’m not qualified for it. Not qualified for anything. I dropped out of school...hung out with the wrong crowd of people for years. I don’t have a single GCSE—didn’t pass a single exam.’
Ben blinked. He truly hadn’t seen that coming. It was almost impossible to imagine the woman sitting opposite him as a school dropout, let alone spending years with the ‘wrong crowd’. But he could see the truth in the way she looked away from him, wriggled on her chair, picked up her pizza and put it back down again.
And all he wanted to do was reassure her. ‘Hey. Look at me.’
With palpable reluctance she lifted her eyes and met his gaze with a dullness in them he hadn’t seen before.
‘You’ve clearly turned your life around. And I’d put good money on the fact that if you hadn’t dropped out of school you’d have passed the lot. I’m also sure there were extenuating circumstances.’
She shook her head, and he’d swear he saw the glimmer of tears.
‘Why would you be so sympathetic? Why think that?’
‘Because I trust my instincts and you’ve proved that you’re talented and professional.’
‘But I still wouldn’t qualify for the type of job you’re thinking about at head office. I know that. Every employer wants at least an English or a Maths GCSE, if not a university degree. And it wouldn’t be fair for me to leapfrog someone else with only the CV I have. I wouldn’t ask for nor want you to use your influence to get me a job. I messed up. I made bad choices. I won’t take an opportunity from someone who didn’t. And I understand if you want to pull the interview.’
As he studied her expression questions abounded in his brain—why hadn’t she got some qualifications in more recent years? Maybe enrolled on an evening course? Done it online? Perhaps he should ask—but he could sense her sadness and knew she must have her reasons.
‘Thank you for your honesty. And I definitely don’t want to pull the interview. You will be an asset to Sahara in any capacity.’
‘Thank you. That means a lot to me. And, Ben...?’ She reached across the table and laid a hand on his arm. ‘I’m sorry that your mum had such a hard time, but I also know that no job or career would have been more important than you. She would never have blamed you.’
And she hadn’t. But he’d known it was his fault—and the knowledge had been a hard, solid weight in his gut. After all, everything else was his fault.
A memory flashed and seared—his brothers, whom he’d looked up to, loved, and who no longer loved him. He saw their faces pinched with misery and anger as they told him that it was all his fault, that he was a bastard, that the man he’d believed to be his dad wasn’t, that he wasn’t a ‘real’ child.
No wonder he’d been confused. He hadn’t even known what a bastard was. But he had known that he was the cause of the implosion of his family. The devastation of his mother. He could still hear the sound of her crying herself to sleep after his half-brothers had decided to end their visits. Even then he’d figured that parenthood really wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
And this was why he didn’t revisit the past—it simply brought back a wave of memories of things that he couldn’t change. It was the here and now that was important, and these days his mother had a lifestyle of luxury and was back in contact with his brothers.
And he was sitting here in a restaurant with Sarah and he didn’t want this memory to be tainted in any way for her—he wanted to see her smile again.
He covered her hand with his. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘And I have an idea. We seem to have lost our celebratory mood, so how about we go and stroll along the streets and eat gelato for dessert?’
Her face lit up with a smile. ‘I’d like that.’
CHAPTER TEN
AS THEY EXITED the restaurant into the moonlit night it felt to Sarah as though the darkness held motes of magic. Emotions swept through her. Her heart twisted in sympathy for the child Ben had once been, because he must have been thrown into confusion and turmoil by his parents’ divorce. But she felt a deep warmth that he had shared his pain with her, even if she sensed he hadn’t told her the whole story.
She moved closer to him, wanting so badly to take his hand, but instead she shoved her fingers into the folds of her dress. And as they walked Sarah could feel anticipation, nerves and a whole flotilla of impulses fizz in her veins.
Don’t be an idiot.
Nothing was going to happen. It would be foolish, stupid and wrong and she knew that. Knew it with every fibre of her being. But just for now she wanted to pretend, to suspend reality and indulge in illusion.
A fantasy that she and Ben Gardiner were in a relationship, the parameters of which she refused to consider. Whatever boundaries had been laid down, they were together, heading back to the hotel for a night of...
‘Sarah?’
Ben’s voice interrupted her and she gave a sudden little jump. ‘Yes?’
‘You’re power-walking.’
‘Oh. Sorry...’ For heaven’s sake—this is ridiculous. ‘I must be looking forward to my gelato.’