She opened her mouth, either to deny or at least protest, but no words came. ‘Yes, well...don’t let it go to your head,’ she muttered. ‘Because this is one woman who is not throwing herself at you.’
And if he mentioned their kiss she’d kill him.
‘So who would you throw yourself at? What’s your take on relationships? Your criteria? Do you want the happily-ever-after, fairy-tale ending?’
‘Nope.’ Though even as she shook her head she wondered if her denial was strictly true.
In reality it wasn’t exactly that she didn’t want it, more that she couldn’t picture it at all. Any attempt and the picture went fuzzy—she couldn’t bring it into focus, couldn’t envisage the chain of events that might lead her to the altar. She couldn’t see even the possibility of a happily-ever-after.
‘There is no way I’d complicate Jodie’s life, or take the risk of introducing a man into her life who might not stay the course. That’s the risk I wouldn’t take.’
She’d messed up badly enough with her choice of Jodie’s father—she’d not add another mistake to the mix.
He frowned. ‘But what about what you want? Do you want a relationship?’
‘Maybe one day, when Jodie is much older and has left home, I would consider it. I do like the idea of companionship—someone to watch a movie with tucked under a fluffy blanket on the sofa with a cup of cocoa.’
Ben stared at her and she couldn’t hold back her laugh—a laugh that dragged a reluctant grin from him.
‘Your face! I guess that’s anathema to you?’ she asked.
‘Actually, no, it’s not. I just can’t imagine it.’
For a treacherous moment, though, she could imagine it—curled up under a blanket with Ben... For a heartbeat the image solidified, and then it dissolved into the illusion it was.
‘I guess you need to be together longer than a month to get to that level of cosy. Or maybe it’s just too ordinary. Another example of how different our lifestyles are.’
‘But it does show that that is what you want. Cosiness...intimacy.’
She’d swear his lips twisted, as if the words tasted sour.
‘So why wait?’
‘Same reasons you won’t commit. The benefit doesn’t outweigh the risk.’
‘So you won’t even date for the next twelve years?’
‘What’s the point if I’m not willing to take things further?’
‘You may meet someone who will change your mind. Why not try a few dates, see a guy for a while, make sure he’s a good guy and then involve Jodie?’
‘I don’t want to meet anyone who will change my mind.’
Because it wasn’t that easy. How the hell was she supposed to know if he was a good guy or not?
Plus ‘Finding a good guy does not guarantee a permanent relationship. To quote you, it could be complicated, messy, and someone may get hurt. If that someone is Jodie, it’s not happening on my watch. In fact—’ she picked up her wine again ‘—in one way we’re on the same page. Neither of us is looking for commitment.’
‘But I’m still having...fun.’ He wiggled his eyebrows. ‘Receiving “dividends”. I don’t want commitment, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on some type of relationship. You’ve chosen a life of celibacy and to eschew any relationships.’
‘I’m fine with that. I will not introduce someone into Jodie’s life just to have him snatched away when she’s learnt to love him. Jodie comes first.’
‘That’s admirable.’
Now his voice had softened, and a shadow flashed across his eyes, reawakening her stupid urge to reach out to him.
‘I mean that. But you can take that principle too far. You are important too.’
‘I know. But temporary relationships like yours wouldn’t work for me.’