Turning away from her father, she looked at the woman who’d given birth to her, whom she’d loved and believed in all her life.
What she saw in her mother’s eyes brought her whole world crashing down, crushing her beneath its debris.
“Your father and I...we were marked for liquidation,” her mother said, looking as if she’d taken a decision to end her own life. “We were beyond desperate when I learned of The Organization. I approached them for a deal, and my only bargaining chip was Kostya. He was such a prodigy... I knew they’d do anything to get their hands on him. They said if I convinced my friends to let them have him, they would get us all out of Russia and give us new lives in the States. So I made a plan to indirectly convince them that it was a great opportunity, so they would never realize it was I who initiated the bargain, or learn of its true nature or that of those I made it with.
“And there was not a single minute that passed since when I didn’t regret it, not one breath that wasn’t poisoned by his memory or the taste of my crime. When I thought Kostya died in that accident, I was almost relieved that fate chose to end his torment before it began. Everything I did since was aimed at trying to make it up to Glenda and John, to atone. Not that I thought anything would or could. Then I saw Ivan, and everything inside me screamed, even though it seemed impossible. I only told your father when we found out who Ivan really was.”
Her mother lay down on the couch, curled up, shaking, her eyes dry. She must have already expended all her tears.
If desolation and death had a sound, they would sound like her mother did now. “I deprived my friends of their son, and fate only bided its time before finally retaliating in kind.”
Then there was silence.
And in the silence, the cacophony of realizations attacked Anastasia.
Her mother had sold Ivan in return for their safety. She believed Alex had died to settle the cosmic score.
Anastasia herself had li
ved a life of security and freedom at the expense of Ivan’s despair and degradation.
The enormity of it all held its breath over her like a vast, black cloud. Then it detonated.
And there was nothing more.
* * *
Surfacing from the nothingness was terrifying.
She wanted to remain there where she’d once hidden, where it was dark and silent, where she was sinking in an eternity of pain-free paralysis.
But oblivion was relinquishing her to awareness, expelling her to its mercilessness. She was already feeling, hearing. And once she opened her eyes, she’d see what she couldn’t bear seeing. Ivan. Frantically hovering over her, going insane with worry.
From the voices with him she knew he’d brought Antonio, and Isabella, a surgeon, too, and the wife of his partner, Richard Graves. They were both assuring him she was physically perfectly fine, that fainting was not unheard of in the early months of pregnancy, especially after the physical and emotional tests she’d endured in the past months.
She pretended to be still passed out until they left, hoping Ivan would leave, too.
But she soon had to admit that he never would. The man who’d stayed by her bedside for weeks, then remained by her side since, would stay here forever. He wouldn’t leave her until he made sure she was fine. When she would never be again.
Giving in, knowing that it was better to get this over with, she opened her eyes.
The look on his face translated the gnawing anxiety in his voice, making her almost close her eyes again. It hurt to see him like this, feel him caring, now that she knew the atrocious truth.
The truth that destroyed everything.
He covered her face in kisses, his tremors transmitting to her heart in shock waves of despair. “Moya dorogoya, moya dusha, I’m here. You’re okay.”
Unable to look at him anymore, she averted her gaze and nodded. “Sorry for the scare. One moment I was upright, the next everything just went dark. I’m fine now.”
His fingers, gentle, persistent, caressed her cheek, tried to turn her eyes back to him. “This is my fault. I taxed you.” He bit off a vicious self-imprecation. “I shouldn’t have made love to you, let alone repeatedly long and hard. I’m an animal.”
The shard of agony embedded in her heart twisted deeper, forcing her to look at him. She couldn’t bear him feeling guilty over her, when it was on her account that her mother had consigned him to a horrific fate. She owed him a debt that could never be repaid.
“You didn’t tax me, Ivan, and you know it.” Before he could take her in his arms again, she rose to a sitting position so he had to pull back. “But everything is catching up with me and I do feel tired. I can’t see myself doing much for a while. I—I think we should postpone the wedding.”
Expecting him to argue, he again floored her by the extent of his consideration, agreeing at once. “Whatever you wish. If the wedding is part of what’s putting stress on you, we can always gather everyone right here, exchange vows and send them on their way.”
She was desperate to stop his pampering. If she didn’t make a stand she’d find herself married to him within the hour.