He was speaking precisely, owning each word in a way that made her feel sick.
‘I thought if I kept quiet, then it would stop,’ he continued. ‘And it did with Francesca. Only then there was Tessa, and then Carrie. I stopped learning their names after that. It was the only way I could face my mother.’
‘But you weren’t responsible!’ Nola stared up him, her eyes and her throat burning. ‘You hadn’t done anything.’
His skin was tight over his cheekbones.
‘You’re wrong. It was my fault. All of it.’
She shook her head. Her heart felt as if it was about to burst. ‘You were a little boy. Your father should never have put you in that position.’
He was looking past her, his eyes dull with pain. ‘You don’t understand. I’m the reason they had to marry.’
She shivered. ‘What do you mean?’
‘My mother got pregnant with me when she was sixteen. In those days girls like her didn’t do so well on their own.’
Nola blinked. She had imagined many reasons for what had made him the man he was, but nothing like this. No wonder he was so confused—and confusing—when it came to relationships.
‘But that’s not your fault,’ she said quietly. ‘I know it must have been hard for both of them. But just because Guy became a father too young, it doesn’t mean you’re responsible for his affairs.’
He shook his head, his mouth twisting into a smile that had nothing to do with laughter or happiness.
‘Guy’s not my father. My biological father, I mean.’
She stared at him in silence, too shocked to speak, the words in her mouth bunching into silent knots.
He looked away. ‘My mother was staying with a friend and they heard about a party. A real party, on the wrong side of town, with drink and boys and no supervision. That’s where she met my father. They were drunk and careless and they had sex.’
‘Who is he?’ she whispered. ‘Your real father?’
Ram shrugged. ‘Does it matter? When he found out she was pregnant he didn’t want anything to do with her—or me.’
His eyes were suddenly dark and hostile, as though challenging her to contradict him.
She swallowed. ‘So how did she meet Guy?’
He breathed out unsteadily.
‘My grandparents knew his family socially. His father had made some bad investments. Money was tight, and Guy’s never been that interested in working for a living, so when Grandfather offered him money to marry my mother he accepted.’
Nola didn’t even try to hide her shock.
‘That’s awful. Your poor mother. But why did she agree to it?’
Ram’s face was bleak. ‘Because my grandfather told her he’d cut her off, disown her, cast her out if she didn’t.’
A muscle pulsed in his cheek.
‘She couldn’t face that, didn’t think she could survive without all this, so she gave in. Guy got a generous lifetime monthly allowance, my mother preserved her reputation and her lifestyle and my grandparents were able to keep their dirty linen private.’
The misery in his voice almost overwhelmed her.
She took a breath, counted to ten. ‘How did you find out?’
‘My mother told me.’ This time his smile seemed to slice through her skin like a mezzaluna. ‘We were arguing, and I compared her unfavourably to my grandparents. I hurt her, so I guess she thought it was time I knew the truth.’
Nola could feel her body shaking. How could his mother have done that? It had been needlessly cruel. She had to swallow hard against the tears building in her throat before she could speak.