She holds out her palm for our friendship handshake, but I wrap my arms around her shoulder, light as can be since she’s pregnant.
Daisy hugs me back.
Afterward, I search the courtroom for Garrison, and when our eyes meet, a bittersweet realization passes sadly between us.
London.
Philadelphia.
We’re going to split apart. Not yet. We have some months left together before I leave for college, and I hang onto those like a lifeline.
august
39
garrison abbey
Candlelight bathes Willow’s bedroom, rose and vanilla scent strong. Music plays softly from a playlist. It feels like I’m living a dream—and tomorrow I’ll wake up in my tattered, damaged reality.
Until then, I’ll stay here.
I’ll never wake up.
Willow is tucked close in my arms, her heartbeat slowing as we both let the night wash over us. I just took her virginity. Filled her in ways I never have before.
It’s been one of the best nights of my life, but it ends soon. And I really haven’t come to grips with that.
“What time is it?” Willow whispers, cocooned by my body. I have the better view of the clock. It’s that weird time period, what some people call morning and other people call night. 3:10 a.m.
I know what she’s really asking. “We have to leave in twenty-minutes.”
Her suitcase is already downstairs beside the door. We’ve even showered, dressed, and returned to bed, lying on top of the comforter. I don’t want Willow to leave my arms because there are parts of me that wonder—maybe this is it.
This is the last time I get to hold her.
She’s moving to London.
She’s starting a life over there.
I’d be an idiot to think there’s a good probability this can last. But Christ, I want to believe it. I want to believe this is just a roadblock, a setback—not the end.
Never the end.
I swallow hard and kiss the top of her head. We’re quiet in the stillness of the room, letting the moment pass.
“Maybe I should stay,” she starts.
“No.” I rub at my dry, raw eyes. “Let’s just head to the airport. We’ll have more time in the car together.” I need to get moving because the longer I lie here, I’ll do something stupid. Like agree to her suggestion.
She wipes her nose with the back of her hand, and I see that she’s been crying.
“Hey.” I pull her into my chest. I need to be the strong one here. Even though I’m being ripped open. “We’re not apart yet.” I brush her tears with my thumb. “And when we are, I’ll be all over you with my ones and zeroes.”
Her lips lift in a quivering smile. “Me too.”
We all drive to the airport together, the private plane sitting on the tarmac. Willow’s not taking commercial this time because Lo wanted to say goodbye at the airport and not back home. Paparazzi aren’t allowed here, and it gives Willow enough peace to talk to everyone.
Wind whips around us. The sun hasn’t risen yet, but the airport lights illuminate the area. I watch as each of Willow’s family hug her goodbye. Her dad, her brothers, Lily, Rose, and Connor. She bends down to put her arms around three-year-olds Maximoff and Jane. The toddlers sniff loudly, sad about their Aunt Willow and favorite babysitter leaving them. Nearly one-year-old twins, Charlie and Beckett smile as Willow kisses the tops of their heads.
When she moves to Daisy, it’s harder.
Everyone falls hushed. In Daisy’s arms is a six-month-old baby, Sullivan Meadows, who almost didn’t make it into the world. Willow lets Sulli wrap her little fingers around her pinky, the one with the friendship ring. And Daisy and Willow break into sobs.
I stand off to the side, watching each goodbye through a sickness that tosses my stomach in awful knots. My throat swollen. My whole body tensed up in terrible ways.
Don’t go! I want to scream.
Stay!
PLEASE!
My soul is fighting with myself.
I have loved her for longer than I have loved myself. I found her when living seemed like a worse choice than ending it all.
And now I’m losing her.
To London.
Fucking London.
Willow wipes at her wet tear-streaked cheeks, her olive-green shirt makes her warm, brown eyes glow even more in her sadness. Daisy backs away, crying and sniffing loudly, she walks into Ryke’s arms.
And then Willow looks at me.
We’re five-feet apart and that already feels like the biggest fucking distance in the world. It’s about to be a million times worse.
Kill me.
Just fucking do it already.
I’ve been waiting all my life to die. She leaves, maybe I’m going to finally be ready. Maybe it’s just time.
I can’t tell her this. I can’t tell her how hard this is going to be for me. Because if she stays for a loser like me, I’ll never survive that.
Each step closer to her is a knife in my chest. It feels like my brothers are here. Standing off to the side, sliding in the blades.