While she’s been having fun, spreading her wings, and enjoying things she never got the chance to before, I’ve been able to keep my inner thoughts well hidden. But tonight, they haunt me, and no matter how I try, I can’t find the answers. There’s no easy way to put distance between us without hurting her already bruised heart, and it’s killing me.
Funny, in all my studying, I never touched on the subject of love and relationships; I never thought I needed to because it was never supposed to be a part of my life; she was never supposed to be part of my existence.
Now looking down at her sleeping face, I wished for the first time in my life that I could escape the taint and curse of my conception. That I was worthy of her. I could almost imagine a life with her. I almost long to be there for her evolution, for the day she becomes the complete being I know lives inside her.
I’d love to be there when she finally comes into her own; I’d love to see the woman she becomes, strong, independent, and sure of herself in a way she’s never been. I was shocked to feel a tear gather in the corner of my eye, which I closed quickly to stave it off. I hugged her a little tighter, kissing her forehead as she sighed in her sleep and got closer. Her life is only just beginning, and once I get rid of all the obstacles in her way…
I can tell her the truth, that I can’t offer her anything more than what we have right now. I’m not afraid of her rejection but warier of what it would do to her. No matter how I look at it, I can’t avoid bringing her pain because no matter what, in the end, I still took Gianna’s innocence. If I continue with this, I might end up being the person who brought her the most pain.
Shit! What am I going to do now? I can’t desert her now, not with things being the way they are. But I must find a way to put distance between us while still helping her. I also have to find a way to protect my heart, to keep her from getting in any deeper because all of this is tearing me apart.
This guilt each time we make love isn’t going to get better with time; it’s never going to go away. I’ll only be prolonging the agony for both of us. I feel like a monster each time I touch her now because I know there’s only one way for this to end. Part of me wants to continue, to leave things as they are and let them run their course.
I’ve even played around with the idea of juggling both her and my revenge. It can be done if I change the end I have planned, but that would entail making some changes which I can’t see happening. I’ve known all along what has to be done with Ricci, what must happen between him and I. The final showdown, if you will. I’ve imagined it a thousand times and have made peace with it. But her presence in my life has made the picture a bit fuzzy.
So now, I concentrate more on her issues with her father and stepfamily as a way to make up for what I’m sure will be a blow to her when I leave. It’s the only thing left for me to do, my only saving grace at this point since I can’t go back and replace her virginity. Something I am now feeling hella guilt over taking.
I think in the back of my mind, I had selfishly hoped that I could have my cake and eat it too. That I could find a way to have my revenge and keep her by my side, but the conflict in my mind won’t allow me to see my way clear to having her or even having a life after I take out Ricci. The selfish part of me keeps hinting at the fact that this thing with Ricci is going to take time so I can keep her with me until the very end, but like I said, it’s selfish to think that way. She deserves better.
I rolled away from her once I was sure she was asleep and wouldn’t wake without me there to hold her. The doors leading to the balcony were left open, allowing the ocean breeze to cool the room naturally as the moon hung over the water amidst a blanket of stars. I sat out there, gazing out over the water deep in thought, putting my shit aside to focus on hers. No matter what the end might be for us, I won’t leave her until everything in her life has been set to rights; that much I know.