I looked away just in time when she turned to me as if feeling my stare, closing my eyes when I felt her look away again. Am I hurting her? Does she need me to hold her at this very moment? Part of me was already there, and the other knew that I needed to start building that wall if I was going to avoid doing even more damage than I’d already done.
So, I pretended an interest in my screen when the truth is I couldn’t even see it. Lately, the turmoil in my gut has amped itself up into these knots that I’m finding it harder and harder to loosen. The sooner we get her sorted, the closer it will be to our parting. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything sadder. I wish I could… There’re so many things I wish for because of her. But so many years of believing my life will go one way can’t be changed that easily.
* * *
GIANNA
* * *
There’s something bothering Gabriel. I thought I sensed it on the island, but I wasn’t sure until just this second. It’s as if he’s avoiding looking at me. That thought emboldened all my doubts and inner fears that I’ve kept hidden from the rest of the world. Was he tired of me already? Was I just a phase, a plaything he no longer wanted?
How could I have forgotten who he is? How popular and sought-after he was at school? That he could have any girl, he wanted? Most of them more suitable than me. How had I let myself believe all this time that he could truly be interested in me? I’d never heard of him being a player, and there’s no way he could fake the things he makes me feel. Or is it all one-sided?
I felt a cold chill run through me as those doubts came crashing down on me all at once. Maybe this was my way of avoiding thinking about my mom and the way she’d been betrayed, finding something else to stress over. Or maybe I’m finally seeing something that has been right in front of me all along.
Gabriel Russo, guys like Gabriel Russo, smart, handsome, rich, and just all-around perfect, don’t fall for nobodies like me. Why would he? I mean, his family is perfect, while mine is a train wreck of a disaster. Although we live in close proximity, I’m way down on the totem pole when it comes to comparing our wealth. And again, there’s the fact that he could have anyone he wants.
I bit my lip to withhold the groan of despair that almost escaped me. I didn’t know that he was looking at me, but he must’ve been. Because before the first tear fell, he was there, moving the dog out of the way and folding me in his arms. His hugs, like sunshine and laughter and all the good that life has to give, wrapped up in one, can make me weak.
I buried my face in his chest and gripped the back of his shirt so hard in my fists I thought it would tear. My body shook with tears though there was a toss-up as to what I was crying about. I got distracted by the fast-paced beating of his heart. His voice when he calmed me was filled with apprehension and a strain of something else I didn’t quite catch.
When he started running his hand back and forth along my spine soothingly, it only made me cry harder. My heart felt like a stone one minute and mush the next as my head filled with chaos and fear. I held on tighter, cried harder, and felt sorry for myself even as I enjoyed being close to him.
When he holds me like this, I can tell myself that I’m being silly, that there’s nothing wrong with us. No way can he be this kind, this loving with me, if he didn’t want me. I tested that theory by lifting my lips to his. There was hesitance at first, but that only lasted a mere few seconds before he melted into me.
Now my tears were ones of joy mixed with a touch of sadness. Joy because we were once again in each other’s arms and sadness for my poor mother, who’d been so horribly robbed of her last chance to live. I was soon consumed by him, no room for thought of anything else but what he made me feel.
* * *
FELIX
* * *
I paced back and forth in front of the portrait of my wife while my mind raced to hold onto something, anything. The alcohol I’d consumed was no help, no more powerful than water at this point. I thought for sure it would help ease the pain that has been hounding me for days now, but hearing everything I’d heard this evening had proved to be too much even for liquid courage.