“I loved it. And I would have stayed in Boston. I was happy there. I was close enough to home that I could visit whenever I wanted to go to watch a game with my dad, hang out with friends, or eat Mom’s homemade linguini. But um…Annie got pregnant.”
Seb sat taller in his chair. “Annie.”
“Yeah. And she decided out of nowhere that she wanted to move to Southern California. She said it would be a new adventure. We could see the Pacific and soak in the sun in January when everyone at home trudged through the snow and checked the weather reports for the next blizzard. She said it would be good for our careers. We could knock down doors in Hollywood and really make a go at this acting thing.
“But you know, all I could think about was…I’m gonna be a dad. Holy shit. I didn’t care where we lived. We could live in Alaska or Timbuktu. What difference did it make? So I nodded and went along with everything she wanted. The baby was due in August. According to her, we should move in the spring. So we did. I thought we’d drive across the country, but she was in a hurry to get here. She found us an apartment in North Hollywood and…”
“What happened?” Seb prodded, setting his hand over mine.
“She left me.” I shrugged as if that hadn’t been the second-worst fucking day of my entire life.
“Left you? Why? Did she go home?”
“I didn’t know at first. She left a note…told me she was unhappy and needed some space. I called my folks ’cause I was in over my head. I was twenty-five and I didn’t know what to do. My mom was worried about the baby. She thought maybe Annie had miscarried or heard something that frightened her from her doctor, but none of that sounded right to me. All that phone call did was freak my parents out too. I called Annie a few times a day begging her to call me, talk to me. Day three, she showed up at the apartment for her things.”
“Fuck.”
“It gets better,” I huffed sarcastically. “In retrospect, I never thought we’d make it as a couple. I wasn’t in love with her, but I liked her. She was fun and pretty and I liked her energy. I figured that with a kid on the way, we’d make it work. But she didn’t want the couple thing anymore. That hurt, but I sucked it up and told her I wouldn’t make this harder than it had to be. I just wanted to be part of my child’s life…no matter what. She agreed to stay and said she’d make other living arrangements after he was born.”
“He?”
“Yeah, she had a boy,” I choked out. “I wasn’t there when he was born, but she named him John Trenton. He’ll be thirteen in August. Like Ollie.”
Seb’s mouth dropped open. “But—I…you have a son?”
I sucked in a deep gulp of air and shook my head. “No. He was never mine.”
“What?”
“She had another man’s child, Seb.”
“Holy shit.”
“The other shoe dropped when I got home from the bar I was working at downtown. It was probably three a.m. She was up waiting for me. She had a suitcase at the door and this look on her face that was just…horrible. I thought something happened.”
“Is the baby okay? Are you okay? You should be resting. What are you doing up?”
I could still see Annie’s face. Her eyes red with tears, luggage at her feet.
“The baby is fine, Trent.” Crying…so much crying. “There’s no easy way to say it…but he’s not yours. I met someone. He’s a good man. He’ll take good care of us. I know you’ll hate me for this, but I just didn’t know what to do. I was scared and I didn’t…think things would work out for me. But he left his wife and…I’m leaving for good now. I’m sorry, Trent. I’m so sorry.”
I must have chanted, “I don’t understand” for days. So many days. I clenched my jaw, but instead of pushing the ugly memory away, the way I usually did, I shared it with Seb.
“I didn’t know he wasn’t mine until she was eight months along.”
“That’s awful.”
I cleared my throat to relieve some pressure from the ball of emotion lodged behind my esophagus. “It was. I was so…invested. I took her to her doctor appointments, sang to her stomach, and read to the baby when she slept, thinking that even if we weren’t together, I’d get the dad part right. It was gonna be a weird start…nothing like what my parents gave my sisters and me. But I promised myself I wouldn’t fuck anything up for that kid.”
“God, I wish I could hold you right now,” Seb whispered, squeezing my hand. “I’m sorry, baby. That’s awful.”