“No, no, I completely understand. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.” I took a deep breath and completed the last few stitches with long overlocking techniques. I wanted to get it done. I was crying in my heart, but I would be damned if I’d let it show. Clipping the thread, I slid off the edge of the bed. “Well, that’s that. All finished. You know I’m really tired. Maybe you should go now so I can get some sleep?”
“You’re cross with me, aren’t you?” Gail looked wounded.
Of course, she should, after all. She’d chosen sides, and it wasn’t with me. But did I really blame her? Peer pressure was enormous in this isolated prison. She deserved to make friends without me weighing her down.
“No, everything is fine.”
Gail opened her mouth to say more but changed her mind. She bundled up the fabric she’d been working on, kept her face looking downward, and left my room without another word.
I put away the things, pulled back the coverlet of the bed, and crawled in without even taking off my clothes. I desperately needed to sleep—the only place where I still felt safe. I closed my eyes and forced myself to lie there for a long time, thinking, before it finally overtook my whirling thoughts, and I drifted off.
The ball was in two weeks. If it weren’t for Theo, I might have hiked to the village with my bags, flagged down a tourist bus, and disappeared into the night.
I was unbelievably miserable.
Chapter 10
Biba
It had been a lonely few days, but I managed to pull through it and get my homework caught up. I’d stayed in my room, only coming out for class and grabbing a sandwich to take back to my bed. I didn’t even sit with Theo. I avoided the entire world.
I woke up Saturday morning, the day of the Equinox Ball, with some nerves. I got up and took my ball gown from the hook where I kept it. I decided to go for a walk to get the nerves out and then come back for a late lunch and a nap before it was time to get dressed.
The air was filled with the scents of flowers cascading down the rocks and between the crevices. Winter was gone, and spring was in full charge. It helped a lot to breathe it in deeply and watch the animals that had come to life. It was real, natural, and at that moment, the kind of place I’d like to live. Not in the crazy world that had become my life.
After lunch, I lay down on my spartan bed and stared at the sooty oak crossbeams above me. I wasn’t sure just what I was so nervous about. Maybe it was the idea that with everyone in masks, I’d be less able to recognize Zephyr and his hirelings who might come after me. Maybe it was the memory of that movie, Carrie, where she was set up to be the queen of the dance, but it was all a farce. I remembered the blood that had fallen over her, and I could identify with it.
I went down to the locker room and showered, wrapping my hair in a turban. I hadn’t seen Theo, and frankly, I was glad he hadn’t spotted me on my way back to the room. Even though I would be in costume, my vanity wanted to look perfect for him.
Sometime that afternoon, I understood at least one principal reason I was anxious. Since my kiss with Theo two weeks back, I’d been just a little breathless, just a little shaky. It felt like exhaustion and mania all at once. I was ravenous but couldn’t eat. I was moody but also giddy.
I wanted Theo. It wasn’t just wanting to be close to him or to taste his lips again. I wanted to give myself to him, and I knew that this was the night I would do it.
If he would have me, I would give myself to Theo Brant.
My long hair was thick, and it had a beautiful, freshly washed shine. From a book of Regency portraits, I’d selected an updo with trinkets embedded in my hair. In that era, ladies often went months or even years without washing their hair. That was why they’d powdered their hair—to absorb the odors and grease. Unfortunately, some had insects, and even small mice take up lodging in their hair. Ugh!
Taking my time, I eventually had it up the way I liked it. I slid the dress over my head and tightened the velvet strings that formed the girdle for the waist. It was a little tricky to button, but I finally got it and slid into my shoes. I looked into the mirror.
I had to admit I looked damn hot. The bodice was low, and my breasts pushed up and out, barely covering my nipples. My waist was tightly cinched, my hem just touched the floor, and the hair swirled in a complicated design, ending up as a waterfall over my left shoulder. As a final touch, I grabbed my eyebrow pencil and created a beauty mark—a small mole just over the left side of my mouth. Not bad at all, if I had to admit it.