Pater lied.
He never threw the boy down here, and I blindly followed my heart to save someone who wasn’t even here to save.
Chapter Eighteen
I don’t know how long I’ve been down here. The sun has already set, which leads me to believe it’s been a few hours, but I could be wrong. I don’t know where Pater is either, and because I chose to defy him, I know he won’t do a damn thing to help me if I can’t reach the ladder.
I haven’t tried yet. I’m too full of rage at myself for trying to be something I’m not, and failing Vaughn yet again. Maybe he’ll be better off if I just stay here. After all, the only thing I’ve managed to do is consistently fuck up every attempt I’ve made to help these boys, and because of it, one of them is already dead.
It would be so easy, almost too easy, for me to die right now. I could simply tie the end of the ladder around my neck and sit down, letting the weight of everything I’ve allowed to happen crush my neck.
I stand up and walk over, touching the tip of the ladder, and sigh. I deserve far worse than this, and that’s the only thing that stops me.
That, and the hope that maybe Vaughn is alive out there somewhere. He’s already deserted me by rebuking me as his mother, but I don’t hate him for it. Had I been the one in his shoes being rejected at every turn, I would harbor the same feelings he does toward the “favorite.”
I let go of the rope and sit back down on the cold, stone ground, wiping away bitter tears. There has to be some way to stop Pater; I just can’t see it. I’m willfully blind to it because I need him as much as he needs me, even if it’s not in the same way.
He wants to give me my own child, but then what? Will he do the same thing to me that he did to Mama if it’s a girl? He said he’d never discard me, but what if that’s the only way? To give him what he wants, pray for survival for the next fifteen years, and then allow him to finally end me when he takes the child as his new bride?
I’ve been in love with you since I first held you.
How is that possible? How can such a monster feel love for anything? And while I know I’m not better than Pater, I’m also not his equal. My love for the boys came from a need to protect them. The nights I’ve spent in Pater’s bed, feeling his touch, were out of necessity, to keep them far from it.
I’m afraid part of my needing Pater is that I’ve learned to feel as much safety in his hands as I do down here in the darkness.
If there’s an end to this, I can’t see it; I don’t want to see it. Maybe he’ll be willing to come to some agreement of sorts, if what I have to offer is enough, but what can I give him that he hasn’t already taken?
I rest my head back against the hard stone and almost laugh in relief. The answer is so clear to me, in a place where it’s damn near impossible to see your own hand in front of your face. I do have something to offer Pater. Something he can’t take unless I give it willingly, and it’s the only way to get him to let his guard down.
With a renewed conviction, I get to my feet and wipe the dirt off on my legs, before I reach up and begin to pull myself up the rope. I’m better at this than I should be. Even though I’ve spent countless nights out here alone, I’ve also had rare moments alone with Eloy and Vaughn when they’ve been able to sneak out unnoticed and throw the ladder down to me.
In a way, I feel like I’m clawing my way out of hell, and to be quite honest, maybe I am. The darkness no longer wants me because I’m no longer pure of heart. I have blood on my hands. Even though not spilled by my own hands, my misdeeds have caused the death of an innocent, and I’m being rejected by my safe place.
I understand it and I accept it.
I’ll make my way back down here again once I’ve purged myself of that malady, and the only way to do it is to give myself completely and unconditionally to Pater.
I have to love him, need him, the way he loves me. It’s the only way to earn his trust, and the simplest way to bring a tyrant to their knees. It’s not an easy thing to topple an empire as an enemy, so I’ll be his willing lover until the sun sets over the both of us for the last time.
Chapter Nineteen
I decided to sleep in the clearing behind Pater’s house. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing where I am just yet, and I still have to convince myself that being his perfect little wife is worth the price I’ll end up paying in the end.
I’m only awake now because the sun is breaking through the trees, and slivers of sunshine are hitting me in the face. I sit up with a sigh and look at the now empty stone chair. Eloy’s mangled body is gone, and I’m sure Pater is the cause of it, but
I can’t worry about that now. He’s not here to save anymore, and perhaps, in his brutal death, he’s already received more salvation than I would have been able to provide for him anyway.
Today is the day I crawl out of my cocoon and become the delicate creature Pater has always longed for. The one he crushed when he decided Mama wasn’t good enough for him anymore. The one he worked so vigilantly to destroy on the nights he needed to feel another’s touch.
And I will become this. I’ve already decided it. The only thing I need to do now is stick to my plan, and hope he doesn’t see through me.
It shouldn’t be too difficult, but I have to remember that I’m dealing with a master of deception, and he’s more than likely already plucked the thoughts from my mind.
I lean down and scoop up one of the bloody stones, slip it into my shirt, and secure it safely so it has a place near my heart. It will serve as a reminder of why I will do these vile things I’ve committed myself to.
With the memory of Eloy tucked closely next to me, I make my way toward the back door of the house, and to my utter and complete fucking shock, feel like I’ve walked into a almost a do over of a few days before.
There’s a young woman and man I don’t know standing on one side of the island in the kitchen. Pater is leaning against the counter, and Vaughn is sitting there quietly, speaking to her.