I take his hand and allow him to intertwine his fingers with mine as he looks into my eyes. There’s almost a soft calmness to them, like he wants me to learn to trust him. Like he hasn’t spent the entire time here trying to destroy the three of us. Like he’s worth so much more than just being feared.
“Hi,” he whispers softly. I’m afraid for the boys and myself, because I’ve never seen this almost human side of Pater before. He seems more like a man now than someone consumed with being a completely jaded and sick motherfucker.
But what honestly worries me the most is that the way he holds my gaze and gently strokes the top of my hands with his thumbs is causing my body to relax. My guard is going down and I find myself feeling safe for the first time since I’ve been here.
“Hi,” I reply, almost shyly.
Look away, Joce.
I turn my eyes down from his gaze and let out a small, shuddery sigh. I don’t like this feeling, not when there’s so much he needs to be held accountable for. And definitely not when I still have children to protect from his insane Messiah complex.
“I wanna talk to you privately after we’re done here,” he says, pulling me against him and nuzzling my ear with his lips. The stubble makes me shiver slightly and I nod. I feel the smallest glimmer of hope that maybe he’ll let us all go without punishment, but I know better.
He chuckles as he spins my body around, almost in a pirouette, then moves over to sit me next to him on the window.
“Eloy,” he begins in his fatherly tone, “Where were you off to just now?”
“I just wanted to see how fast he could run,” I interject, wringing my hands.
“Let him answer for himself,” Pater says sternly, giving me a side-long glance. I bite my lip and nod, watching the grin return to his face as he looks back at Eloy expectantly.
“I’ve never really been outside by myself,” he replies quietly as he wipes away the last of his tears. “I just wanted to look around.”
“And you encouraged that, huh? Damn,” Pater asks, shaking his head slightly as he looks at me, the grin slowly starting to fade. “I expected better from you.”
I’ve disappointed him and it cuts me deeply that he’s suggested as much. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be his fucking slave, and I don’t want the boys to be harmed, but to know that I’ve disappointed him completely decimates the little bit of hope I have left.
“Alright, well,” he says, as he gets to his feet, “I’m not going to do anything to you tonight, boy. You can go back down to your room and you can fucking stay there until I decide I want to see your face again.”
Eloy lets out a sound of relief that resembles something like another strangled sob, and Pater sighs loudly.
“Stop fucking crying already!” he shouts at Eloy as he quickly makes his escape from the room.
“He’s just a child,” I say quietly.
“Jocelyn, I’m trying really hard right now, so shut your fucking mouth,” Pater barks at me. “You - get out. I’ll come talk to you later about something. You get to bear the brunt of the bullshit these two tried to pull,” he says to Vaughn as he nods toward the door.
I can see the color drain from the older boy’s face, but he nods and leaves, giving me one last glance over his shoulder on the way out.
As soon as Vaughn is gone, Pater walks toward the door and closes it firmly. He lingers there for a moment, his hand on the white wood, and hangs his head. I don’t know what he plans on doing to me, but I have absolutely no problem throwing myself out the window.
“But you won’t, because you won’t leave those boys behind,” he says, straightening himself up and turning to face me. He leans against the door and crosses his arms over his chest, a vacant expression in his eyes.
“How do you do that?” I asked him quietly.
“No questions. Don’t do that. Don’t be a bitch right now, not when I’m trying so hard to be a good man,” he says, shaking his head vehemently.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, for what seems the millionth time in my captivity.
“I’m going to tell you right now that when I’m done with that little shit, you’re going to hate me. More than you already do. And don’t tell me you don’t, because I can see it in your eyes. You’ve been plotting against me for a long time, Jocelyn, but we’ve still got our List of Tasks, don’t we? We have to finish our little game before you decide to get brave enough to make a move against me.”
“I’m not going to,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m not! I wouldn’t!”
“You won’t while they’re still alive. They give you a reason to hold back, but I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want a wife that doesn’t know how to take what she wants. I want you to show me you’re strong enough, that you’re capable of this life. We can always have more kids, but I can’t have another you.”
Pater moves away from the door and walks over to where I’m still sitting. His steps are slow, deliberate, and so fucking enticing.
“Do you really want to die before I’ve had a chance to fill your womb?” he asks in a whisper as he places his hands on my sides. “Don’t you want to know what it’s gonna feel like to grow swollen with my child? Hm? Don’t you want to know what it’s going to feel like when I cut the little bastard out of you?”