Those words shock me. Because when I walked into her condo a few minutes ago, I had intended to walk away from her. All that ugly doubt and judgment felt like an oily sludge within my veins, and I was determined to walk away.
Instead, she’s telling me to go. She’s making the decision because she is assured of what she wants and needs, whereas I’m not sure about anything.
I stare at her a long moment, memorizing the way she looks right now. Crushed and disappointed. I’m used to people feeling that way about me, so I’m not sure why it hurts so much. But I deserve it.
I nod, accepting the way things are.
I turn for the door and when my hand hits the knob, she says, “This has nothing to do with you and me, but don’t ever forget… even when you are having a moment of weakness, you can never forget that you still have strength.”
I don’t dare turn around to look at her. It would only make me feel more ashamed. I walk out and close the door behind me.
And I know I’ve just lost the most incredible thing I’ve ever had in my life.
CHAPTER 25
Harlow
I finish reading the psychological evaluation that my client, Tonya Hillman, underwent two weeks ago. She’s right now my most important case, and she happens to be my favorite client. Tonya went through a few years of incredible darkness, which included a heroin addiction. In that time, she lost custody of her three-year-old son Charlie, who was put in foster care. Tonya fell so hard and fast out of normalcy, she spent over a year homeless, sleeping on the streets or on friends’ couches and doing horrible things for her drug fix.
But she’s a different person today. She went voluntarily into rehab, finally acknowledging the pain of losing her son was worth the fight to overcome her addiction.
Unfortunately, by the time she completed rehab, got a steady job, and was able to save some money to hire me, the courts were already deep into the process of finalizing adoption papers for her son with his foster family.
Tonya hired me to stop that process and get him back.
That case is moving slowly through the courts. The psychological evaluation had to be made. Tonya has to meet certain milestones. She has to prove her sobriety is here to stay, and she won’t be getting full custody back until she’s able to show a long pattern of sober behavior.
But for now, we need to stop the adoption.
There will be a huge hearing in a few weeks during which I’ll present all the necessary case law to support Tonya’s case. Pennsylvania fortunately favors birth parents, so we have a leg up. I was even able to get the court to grant visitation rights, and for the last three months, Tonya has been able to see Charlie twice a week for two hours at a time, supervised, of course. I decided to come into the office today to go over my research and work on my memorandum of law that I’ll be submitting to the court. It’s not due until the hearing date, but I needed something to take my mind off Stone. There’s nothing better than concentrating on my most important case.
It’s disturbingly quiet in the office, but that’s a Saturday for you. The phones aren’t ringing, and I don’t hear Bonita’s laughter out in the reception area. I even left Odin home because I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to dive into Tonya’s case, let myself get sucked down into the fulfillment of making the justice system work for the ordinary person, and forget about how badly Stone hurt me.
I was blindsided last night by his revelation that he couldn’t be the man for me. I don’t understand how I could’ve misjudged him so badly. Was I perhaps focused too much on what I loved about Brooks in him?
None of what he told me as he stood in my foyer made sense. How could he take everything we’ve been building through weeks of friendship, and most recently deep intimacy, and throw it all away because he got a little spooked? Because he doesn’t understand how my parents aren’t more upset that Brian isn’t doing something with his life? Or that my dad didn’t strong-arm me into staying with the firm?
It’s all bullshit. I know damn well the real Stone Dumelin doesn’t care about things like Brian being a playboy, and I sure as hell know that he knows how much I love my career just as it is. I’m hoping when he thinks about it, he’ll understand it was bullshit too. It was a moment of fear, and I can be okay with that.
I have a much deeper knowledge and understanding of weakness than I’d like.