Maybe he’s not so perfect after all, and I realize I’m actually giving credence to my father’s hard and unyielding ways by finding fault with the Alstons.
I don’t know why these ugly feelings are rearing up inside me. I think it has to do with the fact that I’m a bit overwhelmed with how a happy, normal, functioning family operates. The mere fact that I have slight echoes of my father in my thinking terrifies me. Perhaps I’m more like him than I want to admit. Otherwise, why would I be looking for fault in the way the Alstons raised their kids?
I manage to be involved and engaged in discussion throughout the rest of the meal. Over dessert, I push some of those ugly thoughts aside as we talk about the cabin Brooks left me. It’s in Potter County, where Robert often goes to hunt and fish. “You’ll absolutely love it there. If you like peace, solitude, and the occasional bear, I’d highly recommend it as a wonderful getaway.”
“We’re hoping to go in a few weeks so he can take a look at it,” Harlow says. She reaches over and puts her hand on mine. I look at her, and she says, “Right? Didn’t you want to go take a look?”
“Yeah. Of course I do,” I say automatically, but I feel odd and disconnected from her. The more differences I see in our parents, the more I wonder if we’re suited for each other.
Harlow gives me a funny look, then turns back to ask her father a question about a legal case on which she wants his opinion.
I tune out and unfortunately start to question if I can live up to the expectations that Harlow or her family might have of me. I certainly failed all of my father’s. If they knew some of the thoughts I just had about their parenting abilities, they’d probably do everything in their power to insist Harlow not have anything to do with me.
And I can’t quite seem to shake those feelings, even after we say our goodbyes and head back across the river to Allegheny West.
When we make it back to our building, I follow Harlow as we pass the door to my unit. I’ve been staying at her place every night when I’m in town, mainly because of Odin. She pulls out her keys and unlocks the door. When we enter, Odin comes up for a greeting.
After the appropriate amount of scratches, Harlow takes off her coat and hangs it on the rack.
“You were so quiet on the way home,” she says lightly as she puts her purse and keys on a small table. “Feeling okay?”
I stand there, not sure how to answer that question. I don’t feel okay. Somehow that simple dinner with her parents has made me doubt things.
When I don’t answer, she tips her head. “You going to take off your coat and stay awhile?”
I should take off the fucking coat and put all these crappy thoughts out of my head. I should take Harlow in my arms and kiss her, knowing that her taste alone will drive the darkness out.
Instead, I take a slight step back and put my hands in the pockets of my coat.
“Actually, I think I’m going to go out and get a drink, if you don’t mind?”
It was perhaps the dumbest thing I could’ve said. I can see it in her expression… wariness and suspicion.
Not suspicion that I’m off to meet someone else, but she is now skeptical of whether I want to be with her. She has every right to be, because up until this moment, I have a hard time keeping my hands off her anytime we’re together. Whether it’s to strip her naked or to just hug her, I have become utterly enchanted with giving and receiving affection from Harlow.
The mere fact I want to go somewhere else is a red flag. That I told her I want to get a drink is a slap in the face.
And I think I meant for her to get both of those things.
Something hardens in Harlow’s eyes, and she crosses her arms over her chest. “What’s wrong with you?”
I’m immediately defensive. “Nothing’s wrong with me. Can’t I have a bit of time to myself?”
It’s classic deflection. Turning my problems back on to her. Making her the bad guy.
Harlow’s too smart for that. She’s never going to put up with that shit. “Try again, Stone. Something’s up your butt, and I want to know what it is. You’re not the type to just go cold on me like this. The truth.”
The defensiveness melts away, and I have no fight left. But it doesn’t mean I’m not still spooked as shit by the prospect of committing to Harlow. The expectations on me are now incredibly high, and I don’t know if I can reach them.