This felt like a farewell to a younger Tess who’d lived her dream for a few weeks and had stopped existing the moment said dream burst. Linda and Ronald weren’t my family. I wasn’t sure if giving them a few more weeks with their daughter, even if it had all been deceit, had been a gift.
People gathered around the hole in the ground. An ocean of black clothes and pale faces. So many faces I knew. People I’d called friends in the last weeks. People whose laughter was as familiar as my own. People who didn’t know the real me, and never would. I stood on a hill, shrouded between trees, with a good view over the gravesite. Nobody would notice me there. As part of the FEA, the shadows would always be the place where I belonged. Maybe it would take today to really make me ready for the tasks before me.
Ana leaned against her stepfather, clutching at his coat. Her face was blotchy and for once she wasn’t wearing makeup. I felt a pang when I realized that the friendship I’d felt with her had never existed, our warmth had never been real. But with Holly I had a friendship I’d do anything to protect.
I didn’t dare look at Linda and Ronald just yet, afraid of what I would see on their faces and how it would make me feel. I tucked my body behind one of the trees, afraid that if Devon caught site of me, he would come to send me away. Then something else caught my attention. A good distance behind the family stood a man in a black coat and sunglasses. He wasn’t paying attention to the funeral; he was staring at me. I didn’t recognize him, in fact I was fairly certain I’d never seen him before. Had I drawn attention to myself standing up here alone? Was it really that obvious that I didn’t belong here? He probably wondered why I was hiding between trees and gawking at him. I looked away and pulled up the collar of my coat.
The first notes sounded of the song her family had chosen. “The Rose.”
I stared at the golden pendant in my hand. When I looked up, my eyes finally sought out Madison’s family. Linda clutched the front of Ronald’s suit, her tearful, pale face half buried in his chest. I wanted to go over and wrap my arms around them. I wanted to tell them I was sorry—for more things than they’d ever know—and I wanted to tell them how much I’d come to care for them. I wanted to tell them that I’d do anything for parents like them.
Linda and Ronald walked up to the gaping hole in the ground and threw white roses on top of the casket. Devon was next, a few tears trailing slowly over his face. The others followed until an ocean of pure white covered the wood of Madison’s final resting place. Linda raised her head and for a moment our eyes met. My body flooded with stolen memories and emotions, and my heart swelled with tenderness I knew I shouldn’t feel. Her face showed no recognition at all. To her I didn’t exist, and never would.
I clutched the rose pendant against my chest so tightly that the edges of it cut into my palm. It was a gift that wasn’t mine and never had been—like the love Madison’s parents had showed me. And yet sometimes I’d dared to imagine how it would be if they loved me, if someone loved me as unconditionally as they’d loved Madison.
Years had passed since I’d left home and not once had my mom tried to contact me, not once had she asked if I was well. She didn’t know a thing about my life now. Unconditional love was something my mother didn’t understand. My hand clenched until my nails dug into my skin, but no matter how hard I pressed, the ache deep within me overshadowed anything else I could possibly feel. Today was a lesson in letting go. One I needed to succeed at. I’d meet more people in the future that would gift me with emotions because I deceived them with a stolen appearance.
A gentle touch took hold of my hand and loosened my fist. The hand entwined its fingers with mine and I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. I’d recognize that smell of spring and spearmint, and the steely strength behind his careful touch anytime. He’d found me; he always did.
“What are you doing here?” I asked softly.
“Holly told me. I came looking for you. I knew Summers and Major wouldn’t have allowed you to attend the funeral, so I took a helicopter and rushed here.”
“Major let you take another helicopter? So he knows?”