“Why a shame?”
“The garden was built for her, but I think she rarely ever went in there. She was working constantly. If she wasn’t in meetings or in the throne room, she was found in the study in her own chambers.” He paused and rubbed his forehead. “If she did stop for a break, she went to the Godstone Room and talked to the goddess.” He dropped his hand to his lap and a sound of disgust escaped him. “She spent every second of her life in devotion to the protection of Erya and Thia, but she never stopped to enjoy it. How did she not reach the point of wondering why she was killing herself?”
“That’s not what’s bothering you, is it?”
He shook his head. “You say I’m like my father, but I think I’m more like my mother. I’m sitting here in this beautiful garden with a grandfather I didn’t know I had, but I can’t enjoy it. I know our time left together is short, but all I can think about is Drayce and Rayne and how I’m fucking everything up. I don’t know what I’m doing, and Thia’s very survival is resting on my shoulders.”
A strong hand landed on his shoulder and squeezed. “Caelan,” he started gently, but Caelan was already shaking his head.
“I shouldn’t complain. Until now, I’ve led a relatively easy life. I’ve trained for leadership and hard decisions.”
“It’s not complaining to admit that you’re struggling. You’re incredibly young and inexperienced. The world you knew is breaking apart around you. Talk to me, not as your grandfather, but as a man who had led his clan for centuries. Let me share my wisdom and experience with you.”
Caelan stared at Omari Nori, managing to hold in the words for all of two seconds before everything spilled out of him as if he’d been eviscerated and his bowels were pouring from the gaping wound. He talked about Drayce and his feelings of responsibility. He talked about Rayne and his twisted thoughts of failing Rayne as a leader and a friend while also wondering if he was truly being naïve about what he wanted for his reign.
And then there were the gods. Bickering, taunting, and poking at him constantly. They were wearing him down until he was no longer sure of any of his decisions.
When he ran out of words, he was left feeling hollow, but there was an extra pain this time. He’d done this just three months earlier. With Lu. They had listened to him ranting about the gods and the pains of ruling. They consoled and reassured him. And lost their life to New Rosanthe in the end.
How had he learned nothing since meeting Lu? How could he not feel at least a tiny bit more confident in his skills? Why did he feel like they’d gone to shit even more?
“Did you know that all leaders make their most disastrous decisions in the first five years of ruling?” Nori asked suddenly. “No matter how much you study and prepare, no matter how much your predecessor paves the way for you, bad decisions are in your future. There are things you can’t learn in books. You have to experience them. You must make mistakes and learn from them. Be better for your people.”
Caelan nodded. “I’m trying.”
“Forgive yourself, and your people will forgive you as well. Forgive those who fall short of your expectations. They are stumbling along just like you.”
“But Drayce—”
“Drayce made a choice,” Nori cut him off. It wasn’t the first time his grandfather had said these words, but it felt like this time, they might actually sink in. “His choice and actions are not your responsibility. You can’t feel guilty over his pain. He needs you to respect his choices and be there to lean on. I know you want to do more, but if you do that job well, you’ll find that it’s more than enough for him.”
“Rayne?”
Nori sighed heavily and leaned back on the bench, stretching his legs out in front of him. “I’ve had a couple of eager advisors like him in my time. They tend to make quick, logic-based decisions about what is best for the clan. They often forget about things like compassion and forgiveness.”
Caelan was shaking his head. “That’s not Rayne. He is compassionate and forgiving, but he is also very overprotective both of me and the kingdom. He wants what’s best for us. He—” Caelan broke off at his grandfather’s warm smile.
“Rayne’s actions might seem cold, but they come from a place of incredible love,” Nori murmured. “He loves you as he would a little brother. All your friends care very much for you, and it makes it easier for me to accept that you’re going to be leaving here very soon. I know that you will have good people protecting you and helping you every step of the way. If it matters to you, I don’t think he was wrong in his actions, and maybe not in keeping them from you. There is more than enough for you to worry about already. But you need to talk to Rayne. Tell him what you want, what kind of ruler you want to be. Let him help you become that. Being the type of man he is, loving you as he does, he will see that as a challenge that lifts Erya up, not as a hindrance.”