“I’m sorry,” I said just as softly.
Parker found my hand where it was gripping the edge of the table. He took it to his lips and kissed it gently, reverently. “Because I’m an idiot,” he said to the table. “Because all this time, I’ve had the best thing I could have ever possibly dreamed up right in front of me. And I failed to see it for what it was.”
His voice was firm and solid. Sure.
I wanted to lean into him for comfort because I was terrified of his words, and he was the place I went when I was scared. But that was too much to take from him right now.
Parker turned to me with a tender smile. “But I see it now. And I want it. I want you. And I’m going to do what it takes to convince you I mean it, even if that includes waiting a very long time.”
I looked around at this table full of men who knew what I knew. It wasn’t that easy. You couldn’t just say you were in love with another man and have everything turn out to be a bucketful of roses and wildflowers. Parker had no idea what it was truly like telling friends and family, coworkers and bosses, that his partner wasn’t sweet, pretty Erin Rokas, but instead, ornery, opinionated, tattooed, semi-bearded, and completely male Julian Thick.
But did I really want to scare him off with tales of reality right now? Not one single bit.
I leaned in and pressed a kiss to his face right next to his lips and stayed there long enough to inhale the familiar and provoking scent of him. “I love you. Thank you for saying those things. You’re the best man I know.”
Those things were true.
But so were lots of other things left unsaid. We both knew it. And it was time to finally say them out loud.
Thankfully, our friends allowed the subject to change, and we were able to enjoy the rest of the meal and evening with them. Parker seemed to have a new sense of calm after saying his piece, and he relaxed into the various conversations happening around him at the table.
By the time we left, he was happily exchanging contact information with Finn to coordinate skiing lessons in the future.
Stepping outside into the freezing night air wasn’t easy after such a warm evening by the fire in the lodge’s kitchen.
“Fuck, it’s cold,” I said with a shudder, pressing the button on my key fob to start the engine before we even opened the doors.
“Sometimes you act like you’re not from Colorado,” he said, following me past several other vehicles to the SUV. He grabbed the key fob out of my hand and walked to the driver’s side. “Designated driver,” he reminded me.
I hadn’t had much to drink, and I knew I’d be okay to drive, but I didn’t argue with him. Not when I knew how fanatical he was about this. Instead, I made myself comfortable in the passenger seat of my own vehicle and closed my eyes.
The drive back to my place wasn’t long. We didn’t say anything while Parker focused on getting us home safely, but it wasn’t awkward or tense at all. Things with Parker rarely were.
When we got inside, Parker pulled my coat off before removing his own. We kicked off our boots and locked up the cabin before taking turns brushing our teeth in the bathroom. After sliding into bed in only boxer briefs, we immediately snuggled together.
I was too tired to think about sex, and my head was spinning with everything that had happened today. We lay there together in silence for a while before he spoke.
“I meant what I said tonight. I know you’re having a hard time trusting it, but I’m not going anywhere.” There was enough light from the moon to illuminate the outline of his profile but not much more. “We don’t have to talk about it right now, but I just wanted you to know I’m here, and I’m all in.”
I swallowed and tried to figure out what I wanted to say. “I don’t want to be someone’s second choice.”
My own words took me by surprise, but as soon as they were out, I realized the truth of them.
Parker covered my eyes with one hand while reaching over to turn on the bedside lamp with the other. After my eyes adjusted to the brightness, I realized his face was a combination of hurt and anger.
“Julian, you have never, ever been my second choice, and you know it. Every single time I got together with Erin, you were always still my person, my heart.” His hand clutched at his chest. “Maybe that wasn’t fair to Erin. I see that now, but you and I both know it was still true.”