I forced myself to smile. “Apparently the kid knows when he’s in the presence of greatness.”
“I think he just knows when he’s safe.”
A rush of grief threatened to strangle me. Suck me in and pull me under where I’d drown forever.
Lost in just . . . nothingness.
I swallowed around it, telling myself that this was the only thing I needed. My career and the people I cared about most.
I settled into it.
The warmth.
The care.
The love.
I enjoyed the afternoon the best way I could.
Rynna had taken Ryland to his crib so he could sleep, and I tried to sit back and relax. Listen to the conversations going on around me.
Join in.
Clearly, everyone was walking on eggshells. Watching me carefully.
Waiting for me to break.
No doubt, it was time I got over this shit. Put it behind me. Because I couldn’t go on like this forever.
Rupturing.
Hemorrhaging.
Splintering, day by day.
I ate my meal as if I didn’t have to force it down and then sat back to watch as Frankie Leigh twirled across the lawn, doing all these awkward jumps and leaps, which were so adorable it had my chest clenching again.
I loved that little girl so much.
Found it impossible not to think about her out there with Evan.
He said he’s gonna marry her.
Hope’s expression flashed through my mind.
Adoration.
Evan’s emphatic nod when I’d asked him what he’d thought about Frankie Leigh.
A wistful smile pulled across my mouth.
Unstoppable.
That feeling I’d been fighting rose so quickly I was sure it was going to demolish me.
Lay me to waste.
That feeling I couldn’t afford to name. The one that kept pressing and prodding and picking me apart.
Limb from goddamned limb.
I sucked in a shuddered breath and tried to rein it in.
Rex plopped down across from me. “You ready to talk about that?”
He pointed at my face like my expression was evidence of some kind of crime.
The conversation happening around me immediately fell into silence. Like every single one of them had been waiting for this moment.
All eyes on me.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
Had to wonder if I’d actually been invited over for a barbecue or if this was some kind of intervention.
God knew, Rex had just put me on the spot.
My head barely shook. “Don’t see that there’s much to talk about.”
“Is that so?” His voice was incredulous.
“Yup.” It was sharper than I intended.
“Huh, seems awful backward to me, considering you’re the punk who never hesitates to set me straight.”
I sipped my beer and turned my attention out across the lawn, to the wall of towering trees that blew in the wind. “And what exactly are you setting me straight about?”
From my side, Ollie scoffed. “How about the fact you’re fucking miserable, man. Let’s start there.”
“I’m fine.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Nikki’s face pinched, her lips pursing together like she was stopping herself from unleashing on me.
But it was Lillith who spoke from where she was snuggled up to Brody at the next table. “You don’t seem fine to me, Kale. Not at all.”
Ollie pointed at her. “What she said.”
I roughed a hand over the top of my head. “Just . . . don’t.”
It came out a warning. I was about five seconds from jumping to my feet and bolting.
“Don’t what?” Rex demanded, leaning in closer. “Make you open your eyes the way you’ve always done me? Last time I checked, you were zero bullshit, and now you’ve got bullshit written all over you.”
“Told you a long time ago, all I need is you guys and my job. I was stupid to think that’d changed.”
“What’s stupid is you thinking you don’t deserve to love.”
That feeling was back. Pushing and pushing into my consciousness.
Too fucking close.
My heart stumbled in its tracks before it took off sprinting.
Regret cinched down on every cell in my body, and my words dropped to next to nothing. “I failed them, man.”
“Did you?” he challenged. “Because from what I know, it sounds a whole lot like you saved him.”
“I missed it. I was his doctor, and I missed it.”
Nikki exhaled, the sound almost pained as she scrambled around so she could meet my eye. “You think you missed it, Kale, but what if you hadn’t been his doctor? What if someone else had missed it, too, and they didn’t know him the way you did? What if you hadn’t gone to them the day you did? What then?”
Sorrow clutched and gripped and bit. My soul feeling like it was being shredded.
What if I hadn’t shown up when I had?
I couldn’t process it. Couldn’t begin to fathom a fate that cruel.
“It never should have happened in the first place.”
Ollie’s brow pinched, and he tugged at his beard in frustration. “But it did, man. It did, and you were there, and you saved him. So maybe that’s what you need to be focusing on instead of this bullshit excuse that you let them down.”