And fuck, why did my brain keep going there? There were other reasons I’d always stayed away in that regard. I was too fucked up to be anything else for her but a friend.
I tended to be a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of guy. One and done. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am.
When I thought about it, I realized I was basically a douche when it came to sex, so I usually shied away from thinking about it because I wasn’t exactly proud to be a douche. That was just how it turned out.
I didn’t date, reason number one why it had felt so uncomfortable to take Julianna out. I didn’t enter relationships. I hooked up with women who were also only interested in nothing but the nookie with me, and I didn’t stay friends with any of my past partners. I had Sarah for anything that wasn’t sexual, so I had no use for anything else but a good time from others.
That was why I was going to stay far away from all of Sarah’s sex parts. She deserved the best, and I had no fucking clue how to be any kind of boyfriend.
But thinking of her dating someone else, knowing he would get to know what it felt like to be inside her and give her that orgasm she so earnestly craved, didn’t exactly fill me with the warm fuzzies. Honestly, it scared the shit out of me.
Sarah wouldn’t be with a guy until she felt comfortable with him, which meant she’d have to get close to him and like him. I didn’t want her getting closer to some other asshole than she was to me. I didn’t want some strange fucker taking my spot in her bed.
She was mine.
Except I couldn’t claim her for myself, which was a dilemma that I could never tell her about because she’d probably punch me in the nads for even thinking what I was thinking. But I still couldn’t help it. And I still didn’t want her dating. All the while, I had to suck it up and be a supportive friend and maybe even help her out somehow, though fuck, I couldn’t breathe so well.
I had a dooming premonition I was going to lose her because of her sudden desire to experience a sex life.
I suddenly hated sex.
Shit. No, I didn’t.
“Brandt?”
“Hmm?” I jerked my gaze up to find Sarah frowning in concern.
Her brow knit as she said, “You phased out on me.”
Damn, what had we been talking about? Oh yeah: her and masturbation.
Fuck. Still hard and still not able to hate sex even a little.
I cleared my throat and shook my head, “Yeah, I...I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t think I should have those kinds of urges, do you?” Her eyes were wide and sad as if she truly believed I wanted her to remain sexless.
Okay, so maybe I did. But that was for my own selfish reasons, because I couldn’t claim her for myself and I certainly couldn’t handle the idea of any other man ever having her. It was not because I wanted her to be miserable.
With a sigh, I flopped backward on her bed and stared up at her ceiling despondently. Talking sex with her was a no-win situation.
“Right now, all I want to know is why I had to cancel my date to pick you up from yours.”
Hugging herself, she rocked back and forth as she muttered, “I didn’t mean for you to cancel your date. You could’ve just dropped me off at home and continued on your way. Or better yet, told me you were busy. I would’ve understood.”
“You sent me a fucking SOS!” I yelled. Then immediately quieted because I remembered other occupants of the house were sleeping. “You think I would’ve been able to continue a date after that? Fuck my date. Just tell me what happened.”
“I overreacted!” she whisper-hissed back. “Okay? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bothered you, and I apologize.”
“And fuck the apologies. Just...talk already!”
“No.”
“Sarah,” I growled, feeling a vein in my neck pulse dangerously. “I swear, I’m a second away from losing my shit.”
“I’m not telling you.”
“Why?” I sat up to be on a more even level with her.