That had been another small but insignificant reason I hadn’t said anything to anyone.
His blue eyes watched me, reminding me of the other, biggest reason I’d kept silent.
He shook his head. “I haven’t…I swear to you, I haven’t done anything like that since I’ve come here. Everything at Ellamore has been all me. One hundred percent.” His grin was self-derisive. “Even those D essays.”
I placed my hands into my lap because they’d begun to shake. They wanted to reach for him and soothe and reassure him I’d never do anything to harm his education here. I could never hurt him. I wanted him to succeed as much as he wanted to. I wanted him to be able to escape his old life and help pull his siblings from it as well.
“I believe you,” I said. “That’s why I haven’t said anything.”
He blew out a breath. “Thanks. You have no idea how much this means to me. I’m not…I’m not used to second chances.”
“I know. I read your paper, remember?” I meant it as a lighthearted tease, but he winced.
“Yeah, you did, didn’t you? Jesus, you probably think I’m a poor, stupid piece of shit right now.”
Glad he wasn’t looking at me, I blinked repeatedly as the threat of tears stung my eyes. God, I wanted to hug him, so hard. What had happened to the ego-inflated football star I’d always seen in him? And aside from keeping my mouth shut about his cheating, why was he so worried about what I thought about him as a person? Aside from being his bitchy literature professor, I was no one to him.
He obviously didn’t let many people know these things about him. The insistent way he’d tried to retrieve his paper before I’d even read it was proof of that. And yet, he’d let me in. He’d shown me the real Noel Gamble, something he didn’t show just anyone.
Flattered I had received such a gift and yet scared to death about handling the fragility of it, I breathed in a deep breath before murmuring, “That’s the very last thing I thought. In fact, it didn’t even make the list of things I thought.”
His gaze veered to me, and I felt electrocuted. Dear God, but the hope glittering in his eyes sucked me into this bubble where there was nothing but him and me.
“Then what did you think?”
My cheeks heated. No way could I tell him what I’d really thought. No matter what, he could not find out I had a huge, embarrassing crush on him. So I blurted out something just as awful. “I thought I was an idiot.”
Noel blinked. “Huh?”
Damn it. Now I had to look away and address the bookshelves as I reluctantly admitted, “I judged you too harshly at the beginning of the semester and made biased, preconceived notions I shouldn’t have, based on my own past. Reading your paper told me I was utterly and completely wrong. I don’t blame you at all for what you had to do to save yourself and your brothers and sister. All this time, I thought you were the careless, arrogant, self-centered type who thought the world did and should revolve around you. I thought you would be a braggart, a show-off, and...and cruel.”
He tipped his head to the side. “Cruel?”
Scratching behind my ear and not even touching that one, all the while thinking about the cruel quarterback from my high school years, I cleared my throat. “The point is you completely astounded me. You had the courage to risk everything for the people you love. You came from an incredibly...difficult childhood, all the while taking on the responsibilities of your younger siblings, and still, you managed to accomplish so much. The whole paper was completely heartbreaking and inspirational.
It was brilliant, and I needed an entire box of tissues to read it.”
I set my hand against the desk, hoping to brace myself and somehow stop the word vomit. To my complete horror, it kept gushing.
“I keep thinking about it and hoping the amazing man I read about accomplishes all his goals and finds a measure of satisfaction in his life. Plus I really hope he gets his family out of that awful place. And I really need to shut up now because this is truly embarrassing, and I’ve never said anything so unprofessional to a student before in my life. And if you knew what was good for you, you’d stand up and—”
Noel reached out and set his hand on the desk next to mine. He didn’t even touch me—a good three inches of space separated us—but it felt as if he’d just covered my fingers with his and squeezed pure life into me.
It effectively stopped my flow of words.
“Thank you,” he said. That’s all. One simple thank you and I almost started bawling. My lashes beat madly and my entire face was enflamed; I’m surprised I didn’t set off the smoke detectors.
When he leaned in toward me, I swayed closer too until we were both straining across the desk to meet in the middle.
He paused less than a foot away. “What am I doing?” he whispered aloud to himself.
I was kind of asking myself the same question. And why had I leaned in to meet him? Answering in my own covert whisper, I said, “I don’t know. What are you doing?”
He jerked back, ripping his hand off my desk. Balling his fingers into a fist, he brought them to his mouth, his expression full of frozen shock and dread as he gaped at me. Then he blinked, shook his head and quickly said, “Sorry.”
Since I was in total denial over the fact he’d even been entertaining the idea of kissing me, I arched my eyebrows. “For what?”
“Nothing,” he said immediately. He clutched the sides of his chair, still gawking at me with that petrified stare. “I’m going to go now.”