Flames at my insides.
I’d felt it coming. What he’d been wanting to bring up. Revisit what was buried.
Not a fucking chance in hell was it getting uncovered.
I pointed at him. “Don’t fucking go there. You don’t know. You weren’t there.”
He laughed a bitter sound. “Are you kidding me? You think I didn’t go through it for all those years, too? You think I didn’t do everything to take care of you?”
Of course, I knew. Of course, I did.
My chest ached, and he pushed on, not stopping as he angled his face toward mine. “You think it didn’t kill me that I had to leave you, Ian? With her? You think that when I found out what happened, I wouldn’t have given anything to be there with you?”
My throat locked up.
It was my fault.
It was my fault.
But I couldn’t say it. Couldn’t admit it. Couldn’t stand losing my brother when he finally found out what I’d done.
He’d gone to prison to protect me. Me. And while he’d been gone, it was me who had committed the greatest crime.
I backed away. “Just . . . don’t. Anything you’ve got to say? Save it. Because it’s done and over and there isn’t anything that will change it. I buried any pain I had with her, so don’t stand over there thinking that you need to come and save me. I have everything I want. Everything I need.”
Sorrow passed through Jace’s eyes. Grief and injury, not to mention the protection he’d always felt for me.
My knees rocked.
I forced myself to stand. Not to show the weakness that threatened to knock me off my feet.
“Is that what you want to tell yourself?” Jace asked, no challenge in his voice, just pity.
I wanted none of it.
I pointed at him as I took a step back. “You got your family, Jace. Reclaimed what you needed. What you wanted. Set your life up the way you’d always deserved. Why don’t you do me the favor of letting me live mine?”
Hurt blanketed Jace’s features, and I blinked, trying to block it. Unable to stand the thought of causing my brother any more pain. Of him being disappointed in me when the only thing I’d wanted to do was make him proud.
Be as good as him.
What a fucking joke.
“Just . . . I’m going to go home. Let’s leave it at that, okay?”
I swiveled toward Mack, throwing out a taunt. “Unless you have something to say about what went down in there and need to take me down to the station in cuffs?”
So yeah.
I was being a dick.
Dividing.
Distancing.
But I knew better than to allow myself to get too close.
“Come on, man, don’t fuckin’ be like that. We came because we care about you. Same as you’d do for either one of us.” Mack took a big step forward like he was going to wrap me up in some kind of pussy embrace.
Before he could get to me, I spun on my heel and started to walk away. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
This conversation needed to end.
“You’re hurting, Ian. I see it. Mack sees it. Faith sees it. You don’t need to suffer alone anymore. We all love you and want the best for you. Only thing standing in the way of that is you.”
Leave it to Jace to get in the final word.
I slowed for a moment, eyes pinned on my shoes, before I shook it off and headed up the alley without looking back.
He knew better than to think I was going there.
I left my Mercedes in the parking lot, not even giving a fuck that it probably wouldn’t have wheels come morning, and thumbed into my Uber app. A couple minutes later, I hopped in the back of it before it could even come to a full stop, and I slumped into the dingy seat. I didn’t say anything the whole ride, just tried to breathe through the memories that nudged at my brain.
Trying to take hold.
At my building, I jumped out at the curb, rode the elevator, and moved into the emptiness of my condo.
Darkness and shadows.
The memories followed me there. No matter how hard I tried to stop them, they pushed to the forefront.
Squeezing my eyes against the onslaught, I went straight for the bar and poured myself another drink.
Hoping I’d be afforded some kind of mercy. Hoping I could bury it deeper.
Cover and conceal.
Forget.
It was no use.
They came harder and faster.
Closer and closer.
Panic started to set in.
God, night after night, I couldn’t stop it. When would this bullshit end?
My lungs fisted, and I grasped my head in my hands, trying to refuse the images. The sounds that haunted me like phantoms stalking in the night.
I wanted to run. To scratch the fucking unbearable sensation from my skin. I stumbled into my bedroom. Such a fucking pathetic pussy because I went right for the desk and tugged open the drawer.