“Excuse me,” I breathe, holding in my tears as best as I can before I walk away, heading straight for the stairs that lead to the bedroom.
I pause at the top landing. Unable to take another step, falling to the floor, I sit clutching my legs to my chest. And instead of trying to hold myself together, I unravel completely. Until the only thing I can feel is the pounding in my head and the throb in my eyes. I’m no longer being suffocated by my misery and regret. My wretchedness has swallowed me whole, and there is no hole. There is no emptiness because there’s nothing left of me.
Chapter 15
RYAN
I bite down on my rolled lips as Lucian pinches the bullet wound together and tapes the closure strips across it. He’s not even trying to go easy. Maybe it’s because he knows I overheard his conversation with Arabella before I left. I know his secret, and I’m not sure why he’s keeping it.
“Why didn’t you tell her?”
Cold, impenetrable eyes greet mine.
“We’ve all got our secrets, don’t we?”
I hold his hard gaze with my own for a moment, trying to figure him out. Something no one seems to be able to do. One minute he’s the villain, and the next he’s holier than the fucking pope. Can do no fucking wrong…but at the end of the day, he’s just a woman beater.
“It’s not the same thing,” I tell him when he steps away, assessing his work.
Hmmm, not bad. Better than Luke ever managed to stitch us up during ops. But then our supplies were limited and we were in the middle of rubble and ruins. Destruction. Clean water was a luxury even for us.
“Isn’t it? Aren’t we both trying to protect her?” Lucian rounds to my dislocated shoulder, taking in the damage.
Oh fuck, I already know it’s going to fucking kill. It’s not the first time, but fuck me, my stomach is already churning. My only hope right now is that he doesn’t trap a nerve in the process.
“Relax,” he grunts, adjusting his grip on me.
Easier said than done.
I barely manage to draw in a breath when he pulls. I bite down on my tongue hard enough that blood drowns my mouth, my loud groan solidifying in my throat in such a way that it’s silenced.
Lucian squeezes my shoulder like it’s going to contain the throbbing pain. It doesn’t, and he knows it because he reaches into his bag and hands me a blister pack of painkillers.
I pop a couple out onto my hand as he holds out his bottle of water. Throwing the pills to the back of my throat, I wash them down. There’s no use sitting around, waiting for the pain to numb. Especially not when I know Fleur’s out there having a meltdown.
Pity is such a difficult thing to ignore. It’s uncontrollable with a mind of its own. And it’s beating in my chest like a prisoner rattling their cage.
I’m halfway ou
t of the door when Lucian calls me. “Murphy?”
“Yeah?” Turning, I find him watching me.
“Word of warning,” he rumbles, coming closer. We’re about the same height, but his bones are aged, and his flesh is thinned out.
“Warning?”
“More like advice.”
“I don’t need yo—”
“Yeah, you do.” Staring me out, he takes a moment before he says, “Don’t forget your place. Your duty…”
A laugh grates from deep in my chest. I don’t know why I’m so pissed at his words. They don’t mean anything.
“She’s not meant for you. Remember why you’re here, and don’t get ideas…trust me, in the end we all have to keep to our roles.”
“Isn’t it a bit late for you to play father?”