I soaked until the water turned cold. Then I washed my hair with my chocolate shampoo, the scent always made me feel better and comforted, except this time it just smelt too sweet and sickly. It didn’t make me think of the chocolate that I was going to sit and consume with my black coffee and cigarette. I didn’t even want any of those things, I just wanted my bed. Or Jamie. In fact, fuck the bed, I just wanted him.
I was beyond tired and yet I couldn’t settle. Every time I closed my eyes it was like I was looking into his. I imagined his arms around me. I imagined his face tucked into my neck as he breathed me in. But none of that chased away the perpetual cold surrounding me.
I checked my phone again, just in case I hadn’t heard it ring. Nothing. He hadn’t even tried to talk to me. I looked through our texts, I had no idea that we text so much. There were hundreds of goodnights and just as many good mornings. There were photos of our girls. There were plans. But what caught my eyes the most was the way he always told me he loved me at the end of every conversation. Not just since we’d consciously been together, but even before. I wondered if I went as far back as I could go, whether our trail would be like that—me saying goodbye and him telling me he loved me. I never even noticed it. Why hadn’t I seen it before?
I was an idiot. I should’ve talked it out with him. I shouldn’t have let everything get to me. But I had. And now I was laying here feeling sorry for myself like I’d been wronged. Which in a way I had, but not by Jamie. He just got caught in
the middle. I put him in the middle. What an epic imbecile. Why had it been so easy for me to think the worst? To think that he’d gone behind my back?
I scrolled back down to our last message and smiled at his words;
See you soon, beautiful. I love you.
I could feel my heart melt all over again, like it had when I’d just received it. I pressed my finger over the words like they’d make me feel better, but if anything, the guilt over how I’d treated him was making me feel worse. I could feel my pride heckling and bristling as I thumbed the only word that I was desperate to tell him…
Sorry.
Then I made a call I should’ve made the minute I got home. I felt terrible for not telling her I loved her. All this had been because I couldn’t bear to be away from Pippa, yet I’d left without telling her that she was everything to me. My baby. My girl. My world.
“Hello?”
“Hi Richard.” His angry tone had me shrinking from my phone as I whispered back.
“What do you want?”
“To wish Pippa goodnight.”
“She’s in bed.” He snapped down the line. “I can’t believe you. What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just fed up of being left out of the loop.”
“If you weren’t so fucking difficult you wouldn’t be.”
“I’m difficult? Me?”
“Jesus, you turn everything into a saga. Everyone walks on eggshells around you.”
Do they? Am I really that bad?
I thought that I was easy compared to some other mothers I knew. I just liked to have transparency when it came to our child. I didn’t want to hear of their big plans through Molly or even Pippa. I wanted him to tell me, so I could make controlled decisions that wouldn’t end up with Pippa being hurt.
“Can we talk about this tomorrow? I just need to tell Pippa I love her and wish her goodnight.”
“You should have thought about that before you walked out this afternoon. She was devastated. Jenna had to spend the rest of the day consoling her. I thought you were a good mother.”
“I-I…please, Richard.”
“She’s asleep. Call back tomorrow. Bye Quincy.” He didn’t give me a chance to reply as he ended the call.
That man had a way with words. He had a way of making me believe all the negative things he said. Of making me believe that I was inadequate. The problem was that he was right, especially tonight. I hadn’t just walked out on Jamie and Jenna—I’d walked out on Pippa too. I knew she wasn’t asleep. Her bedtime wasn’t for another twenty minutes.
I tapped onto my texts again and stared at my message with the delivered status below it and no reply. I could feel my insides choking me, wringing me like a sponge, and the worst part of it was that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I’d done this. I The tears threatened but never fell. I just sat in the middle of my bed waiting. And waiting. Until evening turned into night and nothing came, not my tears nor his words.had cut off my nose to spite my face. Epic mistake.
Jamie
I’d spent the entire night with my phone in my hand. Staring at her text. I fought every instinct telling me to reply or go to her. I couldn’t. Quincy was a runner and until she stopped I couldn’t go to her. If I kept chasing her, she would never stop running. It was that simple. But that didn’t mean it was easy. I was aching to hold her. I was desperate to make her see that she was her own worst enemy. She needed to learn to stand up for herself, and fight for what she wanted. But, I also knew she needed to learn that the hard way, because it didn’t matter how many times I fought and argued on her behalf, if she wasn’t willing to do it for herself.
I’d sat at the table and listened to Jenna go on and on about her plans and how the girls fit into them. I listened to her go down memory lane, and all the while I took none of it in because I was too focused on Quincy. I felt all the emotions rolling off her. I saw the way she glared every time Jenna touched me. I felt the daggers every time I laughed along with her. My hands itched to hold Quincy’s, but I knew that wasn’t what she needed. She needed to feel everything so that she could work her way through it. That was Quincy down to a T—feel, act, think, reason…feel, act, think, reason…