There was a part of me that sometimes wondered where we would be now if Theo was a live and healthy baby. A part of me would do and give anything to take that pain from her to give her that little boy back. And then there was a part of me, a very selfish and sick part of me, that once in a while was happy to be able to comfort her. That was grateful that her tragedy had made us closer.
Sick, right?
If Theo was a part of our lives, would she and Richard still be together?
I hope not.
That was the issue. That was what confused me, a lot, because I had no right to think that. I had no right to be relieved that she and Richard had fallen apart. They’d unravelled in spectacular fashion in front of my eyes and the whole time I was so fucking glad. He didn’t deserve her, and he never had.
But I’d left her once too. And being there for her made me feel like shit. I held her in my arms and I wondered what would’ve happened if I hadn’t left. What would’ve happened if I’d just had the selflessness to stay?
If that had been us, would we have fallen apart too? Would she hate me? Would I have been able to hold her like I had, or would I have been a Richard too?
Again, I had no business wondering those things because I hadn’t stayed, and I’d married someone else. I’d married Jenna and she’d married Richard, and I was wrong for taking his place.
I was wrong for telling her that she didn’t need him.
I was wrong for holding her whilst my heart raced with relief that they were done.
I was wrong for doing and saying so many things, but the reality was that she was my friend. In many ways she’d taken Phillip’s place. She’d become my best friend. My silent ally when my life fell apart.
But unlike me, she’d told me that it was okay for me to want to fix things with my wife. Unlike me, she’d told me to take my time. To cool off and see how I felt after the dust had settled.
She’d been a voice of reason. Reason that I’d ignored because I was relieved that I had an out.
But that relief didn’t ever dull my anger, or my bitterness, or even the hurt that someone I’d trusted, someone I’d allowed into my home…my best friend, had taken advantage of me. Richard had taken advantage of my trust and betrayed me.
“Jamie?”
Jenna put another glass of wine in front of me as she pulled out the stool that had been Quincy’s and sat. I couldn’t look at her. Being in this house with her. Molly playing in the other room. Her being there, sat next to me like we’d done so many times. It was confusing.
I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t. I wanted to yell and shout at her. I wanted to make her feel all the shitty ways she’d made me feel.
r /> “I was lonely.”
I wrapped my thumbs around the stem of the glass and flattened my hands on the granite counter. I should’ve said something, but it was like my synapses were misfiring and the message wasn’t getting to my mouth and my lips and tongue. I searched the stone for the copper flecks within it. It had taken us months to settle on this colour granite to go with the dark grey kitchen cabinets with the copper and cream enamel handles.
“I called my mom all the time. I spoke to her for hours on facetime and I even had her in the background as we both did our thing. I tried to make myself busier with work. But you were never here, and when you were here in person your mind was elsewhere.”
She laid her hand on my shoulder. “I tried to tell you, but it never actually registered with you. You’ve got this passion that consumes you whenever someone needs you. It’s the most incredible thing to see. Your eyes they have this fire in them when your head is in overdrive. At first it was sexy, and it was enough because I figured that someday you’d look at me like that. You’d realise that I needed you and I’d be the sole focus of that crazed obsession of yours.”
She took a deep breath as her sob filled the air between us. “But, you looked straight through me and gave it to her. God, I felt so guilty for envying her. She’d just lost her baby and then buried him. I shouldn’t have envied her. I shouldn’t have wanted to have been her. But every time you left her and came back to me you did things to me that made me feel alive again. Even though I knew she’d done that to you, I was fine with being the one that got it from you.”
I turned to look at her. Her eyes were rimmed red and her nose was runny. Her hands clasped tightly in her lap.
I’d never seen her like that. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, but it felt so sincere and that’s when the guilt hit me. I hadn’t been a good husband to her at all. She hadn’t gone behind my back, I’d turned my back on her. Maybe I hadn’t committed the same crimes as she and Richard had, but I’d committed quite a few of my own.
“It wasn’t like that with Quincy.”
She flinched the moment the name left my lips.
“Just because you didn’t realise it or chose not to acknowledge them, it doesn’t mean that your feelings don’t exist. You two have this thing, you understand each other. Your priorities and the way you see things is the same. You’re on the same level right here,” she pressed her long grey manicured fingers to the middle of her forehead. “And here,” her hand dropped to her chest and she pressed it over her heart. “I was always playing catch up to her. Maybe you didn’t intend it like that. I don’t believe you did. I know you loved me in your own way.”
“You were everything.”
“For a little while, but the moment we got here, and she was there…” She took a deep breath. “If she hadn’t been pregnant with Pippa after she and Richard split, would you have stopped yourself?”
“What?”