He sighed and rolled onto his back.
How could things have changed so quickly? Just a few days ago, Nick would never have even imagined having sex with Jackson, let alone being in a relationship with him. Now, those things were all he could think about.
But Jackson had made his position crystal clear.
Just a bit of fun.
Get back to normal.
The words had stung, but at least Nick knew where he stood.
The sound of Jackson’s bedroom door opening made Nick’s ears prick up. He lay still, listening as Jackson went into the bathroom.
Should Nick have pushed for the conversation Jackson had tried so hard to avoid? It bothered him that he hadn’t been honest with Jackson. Maybe it was selfish, but he didn’t want Jackson to think that what had happened hadn’t meant anything to him, and he didn’t believe that Jackson had been totally unmoved by it either. Even if Jackson didn’t want to take things further, Nick couldn’t have totally imagined the connection between them. It was more than physical. How could it not have been when they’d been best friends long before they’d ever kissed?
He loved Jackson. That wasn’t new or shocking. He’d loved Jackson for years with an easy, reciprocal, platonic love that was solid and safe and sure.
But this was something different.
His heart began to race as he allowed this new feeling to unfold in his chest, thrilling and terrifying as it rose, impossible to contain.
I’m in love with him.
“Fuck!” Nick said the word out loud, a release of tension as he stopped fighting the truth. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. What the fuck do I do now?”
The flush of the toilet came, followed by the click of the bathroom door opening and the barely audible pad of Jackson’s feet on the carpet as he walked quietly back past Nick’s door.
Acting purely on impulse, Nick shot out of bed without stopping to think. He already knew what he had to do as he hurried to Jackson’s door. Before he could talk himself out of it, he knocked and waited, heart pounding.
“Yeah?” Jackson’s voice came from inside.
“Can I come in?” Nick wished he’d paused long enough to put on his dressing gown. The heating had gone off for the night and he was chilly in just his boxers and T-shirt.
“Yes.”
“Hi.” Nick opened the door and slipped inside. He picked his way carefully through the darkness until he found the foot of Jackson’s bed. “Is it okay if I sit down?”
“Course. What’s up?”
“I want to talk to you.”
There was silence.
“Can’t it wait till the morning?” Jackson said at last.
“No. It can’t.”
There was a sigh. “Okay.” The bed creaked as Jackson’s weight shifted. He switched the bedside lamp on and they both blinked at each other in the sudden glow. Jackson was sitting up against the headboard, and Nick sat at the foot facing him.
His heart lurched painfully as he let his gaze rake over his friend’s face. It was so intimately familiar, yet there was a distance between them now that scared him. It was ironic really, how physical intimacy could cause an emotional rift. Surely it was supposed to be the other way around?
This is why I need to be honest.
With a sudden blast of clarity, Nick realised that whatever happened as a result of this conversation it could only make things better. Hiding his feelings from Jackson would drive the wedge between them deeper. If he shared how he felt, even if Jackson didn’t want to be with him afterwards, at least everything would be out in the open. Nick would find a way to get over it, and then they could focus on rebuilding their friendship together.
“I think I accidentally fell in love with you,” he blurted, the words tumbling over each other in anxious haste.
“You… what?” Jackson’s brow furrowed. “Slow down. I didn’t—”
“I love you. Not just like a friend.” Nick wanted to make sure that Jackson couldn’t misunderstand him. This was balls to the wall time and he needed Jackson to get exactly what he was saying. “I’ve always loved you, but now I’m in love with you. I know you probably don’t feel the same, and that’s okay.” It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay at all. But he’d deal. “But I need to tell you, because it matters. And also because I don’t like having secrets from you.”
He stopped and waited, searching Jackson’s face for a reaction. Jackson stared back at him in wide-eyed amazement. He looked as if he’d been electrocuted.
“Okay. I’m done. That was it,” Nick said with a shrug. “You’re supposed to talk now.”
“Um. Yeah. Fuck.” Jackson closed his eyes and shook his head as though to clear it. “Sorry.” He stared at Nick again. “Am I awake? Because if not, this is a really vivid dream.”
“Yes. You’re awake!” Frustrated now, Nick leant over and thumped Jackson hard on the leg.