“Why does she think the more husbands you’ve had, the better?” Sway frowned, smiling at his mom.
“I have no clue.” She rubbed his cheek and whispered. “I’m happy for you. You look happy. I hope I’ll get to meet him soon. He really sounds like something.”
“Mom. It’s just a tad early, don’t you think? We’ve only been out once.”
“Okay, okay. You’re right. I’m not pushing.” She raised both hands. “But, Tweetie’s right, too. Don’t keep him waiting.”
Sway got up and went and refilled his mom’s coffee. He brought it back in and set it down on the end table beside her. With his own fresh cup and a blueberry bagel, he sat next to her and turned the volume up. “He can wait a little while. Let’s finish our show, Momma.”
Brian stopped at the long mirror in his bathroom. He was dressed comfortably, in blue jeans and a hunter green long-sleeved shirt. He tucked his forty-five in the small of his back and grabbed his wallet. He’d deliberately dressed slow so he didn’t watch the clock. Sway didn’t give him a time that he’d return, only that he needed a couple of hours to change and check on his mom. That was almost three hours ago.
Brian went in his kitchen—if for no other reason, then to find one—he opened his fridge and took out the last of his orange juice. He desperately needed to get to the grocery store, but if Sway had time to chill with him today, then he’d happily put it off for later. Brian eyed the clock on the microwave.
Fuck. What if he ain’t coming back?
Brian hated when doubt crept in. He should’ve felt pretty confident. Sway had given him the sweetest, gentlest kiss this morning when he’d woken to find Brian staring creepily at him. Why did he have to overdo everything? He was working himself up trying to make everything just right and he was going to end up blowing it like always. Brian did some of his breathing exercises for when he felt anxious. Sway wasn’t like the others, he had to remember that. Instead of texting Sway like an impatient control freak, he figured he’d go in the library—the windows faced the front, he could keep watch for him—and pick out another book while he waited.
Brian chose The Rings of Saturn again. He’d read Sebald’s masterpiece many times before, but it was a favorite. He hadn’t realized he’d gotten lost in the eccentric language and photos until he heard the sound of Sway’s Impala, which sounded in desperate need of a tune-up and maybe a timing belt. Brian checked his watch, noting it was almost noon. What had kept him? Brian left the book open on his chaise and went to the window. He had a perfect view of Sway through his front windshield. He had his head tilted back, his jaw working as if he was praying, then he dropped his head down until his forehead landed on his steering wheel.
Brian frowned. What the hell? Concerned, he was just about to turn and hurry to the front door but the next look he saw on Sway’s face stopped him cold and horrible dread settled low in his gut, making him want to double over.
Disappointment. That’s what he saw all over that gorgeous face. He knew the expressions well. Sway was getting ready to come in there and give Brian some news he really didn’t want to receive. No wonder it’d taken him so long to return. Far longer than a couple of hours. Sway must’ve been trying to think of a way to tell Brian the truth. That the severity of his issues was too much. He probably wouldn’t say it that way, though. No. He’d probably say he was suddenly called in for work or some other excuse why they couldn’t hang out today. Then Sway would leave. He’d say he’d be back… but he wouldn’t.
Brian stared helplessly at Sway as he went through a series of what Brian guessed were drafts in his head. Rehearsing how he was going to let Brian down gently. Well, he could stop practicing. Brian didn’t need niceties. Not anymore. Brian hissed and slammed his hand into the bookshelf beside the window. The loud thud wasn’t satisfying enough, so he did it again, this time, cracking the wood.
Fuck me!
He didn’t want to be this upset, but he’d wanted Sway to be his. Would he get over this? Yes. Only his biggest fear was having to come to the realization that he may be alone for the rest of his life. The fantasy he’d dreamed of last night while he’d held a warm body against him, wasn’t anything like the reality he was faced with now. His house would always be just that… a house… never a home. A bunch of nicely decorated rooms that would only collect dust.