Could it be that I’m not as broken as I thought? I contemplated this but was fairly certain that wasn’t the case. What had happened to me had scarred me for life. My trust was shattered and that took a hell of a lot more than a hot body and a pretty face to piece back together. Don’t kid yourself. I decided, knowing that even if I was able to fool myself enough to be convincing, my re-entry into humanity was going to cost a lot more than I was willing to give.
Never again.
It wouldn’t be fair to her…or to anyone. I told myself, though I still felt the urge to continue trying to find some solace in my thoughts.
Since, regardless of what I decided or the outcome it yielded, this could be considered improvement.
It also could be considered a relapse. I countered negatively. Going and making the same damn mistake is proof that you’re crazy, not that you’re cured.
I tried to be a somewhat logical man and despite my present situation, I knew myself well. I knew when I was interested and when I was simply horny.
While Carrie definitely made me feel a connection to her that was almost painfully alluring, I also yearned to get to know her. I didn’t want a one-night stand, I wanted her.
Although, I still didn’t quite understand why; primarily because I didn’t know her at all. I had gotten her out of a bad situation, but we had argued in the two, some
what normal conversations we had. Granted, I was an asshole on purpose in both situations, but that was only so I could shield myself from the truth of it all.
As I sat, staring deep into the fire as it blazed with unmerciful fury, I contemplated all of this.
I wanted to come to some explanation and I wanted to do it before I did something I would regret.
I briefly contemplated that this was some kind of fate, but quickly scoffed at the idea. Fate wasn’t in our favor. I could attest to that. If fate was on our side, people wouldn’t get knocked on their ass so many times before finally settling for something that resembled happiness.
Still, even though my convictions were strong, with one glance back at Carrie, sleeping soundlessly, with Jake warming her feet at the bottom of the bed, I wondered if there was something that I was supposed to be noticing.
After all, Jake seems to like her, but he always was something of a lady’s dog.
As I had told Carrie, he’s a big mush. There’s not a mean bone in that dog’s body, so long as you aren’t out to hurt anyone.
Of course, I tried to convince myself that Jake was simply trying to comfort Carrie. After all, I was sure he could sense that she was going through something traumatic, even if he didn’t quite understand.
Yet, if that was it, or if there was something more, a deeper connection there, between the dog and the woman, I couldn’t help but wonder if Jake has the right idea.
Perhaps, instead of worrying about keeping up the walls that were obviously not working so well for me, I should go with it.
The last time almost killed me, but it didn’t, so maybe this time wouldn’t either.
After hours of fending off what I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind was inevitable, I resolved to learning more about this woman. I would try a different approach; one that involved me being less of an asshole and more of the person I was once, a long time ago.
Considering we were stuck together, at least until Carrie’s ankle healed, I decided it was better to be hospitable than to have her resent me for something I could’ve prevented.
I finally decided if she was going to hate me, I would rather her hate me for something I did. At least then, I wouldn’t have anything to regret.
Chapter 9:
Carrie
When I woke up, I felt disgusting. I wasn’t used to being so gross. Normally, I was an extremely clean person. So, having not taken so much as a whore bath for God knows how long was starting to weigh on me. I felt as though I smelled disgusting and each time I moved, I heard my hair crunching from the dried blood.
It made me sick and after laying there, in the darkness, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep if I had to continue living in my own filth.
So, I carefully eased myself off the bed, careful not to wake anyone. Although, as soon as I moved, I heard Jake groan as his large head poked up to see what was going on.
“Go back to sleep,” I told the dog, “It’s okay.”
Yet, when I turned around, I saw a figure towering over me. I was so concerned with the dog, I didn’t even hear anyone coming up behind me.
My heart dropped as I had a flashback of the tour guide. I screamed and staggered back, but I was caught by large, sturdy hands and brought back up.