I pulled myself up off the floor and leaned back against the wall, trying to stabilize myself until the dizziness subsided. Slowly, I stood up, reaching my hand out for the doorframe and pulling myself out into the hall. I looked down at my bedroom but decided that I wanted to give watching a movie a try. I shuffled slowly toward the living room, my feet dragging across the cold wood floors until it felt the soft rug beneath my feet. I plopped down on the couch and fell to the side, laying my head on the pillow and pulling the throw over top of me. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me, but I knew I couldn’t keep this up for much longer.
I reached over and grabbed the remote, clicking on the television and stopping at the first movie it fell on. It was an old black and white movie, which was fine since I wasn’t planning on following along too feverishly. To my surprise, though, I found the couch extremely comfortable, and for a few moments, I could feel the rumbling of my stomach subside. I took a deep breath and snuggled down in the couch, hoping that the worst of it was passing. I stared up at the television, feeling the exhaustion hitting me and struggling to keep my eyes open. After a few minutes, I just gave in, letting my body get the rest that it needed.
I didn’t know how long I had been asleep, but my phone ringing loudly on the coffee table in front of me jolted me awake. I blinked several times, scanning the room and seeing that it was dark outside. I had been asleep all afternoon and into the evening. The movie was over, and there was some sort of infomercial blaring loudly. I reached up, shut the television off, and picked up my phone. I looked down at the screen to see Leena’s number, so I answered.
“Hello?”
“Good, you’re still alive,” she said with a deep exhalation. “I was worried about you. I called like five times.”
“I fell asleep,” I said, yawning and pulling myself up to a seated position. “I actually think the worst of it might have passed. I feel a little bit better.”
“What is wrong?” she asked. “I mean like, list your symptoms.”
“Well, I was pretty much nauseous as hell for close to four days,” I said. “I couldn’t keep anything down, not even water, and after heaving over the toilet every thirty minutes, my chest was sore to the touch. Then, from laying around I’m assuming, my lower back was really achy.”
“So, you were sick to your stomach, your boobs hurt, and your back was sore,” she repeated. “Any fever?”
“No,” I replied. “That was the weird part. No fever the entire time, or chills for that matter. I didn’t feel sick, other than my stomach.”
“God, that sounds horrible,” she said. “You either have the death virus, or you’re carrying around a mini-Blaine.”
“Don’t joke.” I laughed. “Pregnancy is not funny.”
“Hey, I’m just saying, you’re having sex now, and you’re not on any birth control,” she replied, chuckling.
“We use protection,” I said.
“Every time?”
“Well, there have been a couple times… no. Stop freaking me out.” I laughed.
We went on with a different conversation, and even though I laughed at her jokes, internally I was having the conversation over again with myself. I tried to figure out when my last period was, but I was always terrible with remembering those things. That was why I marked it on my calendar so I could plan the next month and know when PMS was going to rear its ugly head. I was a grumpy bitch during those times.
When I got off the phone with Leena, I groaned, pulled myself up from the couch, and shuffled into the kitchen. There was no way that I was pregnant, but just to ease my racing mind, I would prove it to myself by finding that little red “P” that I wrote on the first day of my period every month. I stared at the November page, figuring out what day it was currently. It was the twentieth, so I ran my finger up but didn’t find any “P.” Maybe I just forgot to mark it on the calendar. I flipped back to October and scanned that one too, but the page was completely blank.
I stepped back and dropped the pages back down, wondering how I could have been so careless as to not make note of my period. Well, if the calendar wouldn’t give me the peace of mind I needed, a pregnancy test should do the trick. I pulled on my hoodie, boots, and gloves and grabbed my wallet, leaving the apartment and going across the street to the drugstore. I grabbed one of the well-known brands of pregnancy tests and checked out, ignoring the smirk on the clerk’s face. As I was walking back across the street, I could feel my breasts pulsing inside of my bra. They were really sore, about three times as sore as when my period would come around.
I went into the bathroom in my apartment and opened the package, reading the instructio
ns really fast. For some reason, just holding the stick in my hand made me nervous, and I started to question what the results were going to be. I peed on the stick, put the cap back on, and set it on the counter, starting my timer for three minutes from then. I could feel butterflies start to erupt inside of me and fill my chest with anxiety. Oh, man, what if I was pregnant? What if I hadn’t written down a period because I’d never had one? I started to feel my heart beat faster as I paced the bathroom floor, looking over at the timer every three seconds or so. This was the most anguish I had been in for a long time, and I didn’t like this feeling of not knowing at all. I mean, from what I knew about pregnancy, my symptoms were really starting to line up.
If I was pregnant, it would change my entire life. I would have a tiny human growing inside of me, and I would no longer be responsible for just myself. I would have to change the way I ate, the way I slept, the way I spent money, everything. Sure, I wanted children. There was no question, but right then and there was not quite the timeframe that I was expecting. And what would Blaine think? Would he freak out and run away? Would he be happy? God, there were so many questions that I just didn’t know how to sort through them all. I took a deep breath and cleared my mind, telling myself I was freaking myself out for no reason.
Just then I jumped, hearing the timer go off on my phone. I walked over and turned off the alarm before setting it down and taking a deep breath. I took a step toward the test and picked it up, closing my eyes as I flipped the window toward me. Slowly, I opened one eye and looked down, my shoulders collapsing and my mouth hanging open. I ran my finger across the viewing window and shook my head in shock, my legs suddenly feeling like jelly.
I walked out of the bathroom clutching the test in my hand and looked around, realizing that I was completely alone. Immediately, I took off for the bedroom and pulled on my coat, hat, gloves, and boots. I hobbled through the living room and picked up my keys and wallet, looking around for a minute before bolting out the door. I took the stairs two at a time and turned the corner, walking into the parking garage. I quickly jumped into the driver’s seat and started the car, backing out carefully and heading down the street.
I gripped onto the steering wheel, watching the road and staring at the pregnancy test still grasped in my palm. I could barely believe what I was looking at, and instantly, emotions flooded me. What was Blaine going to say? Was he going to be angry? What was I supposed to do with this information? My life was exactly the way I wanted it. Was I ready to change it all? The epiphany I had before racing out of the house was lingering in my mind, and I could feel my heart beating a million miles a second.
My tires screeched as I pulled up in front of Blaine’s apartment building. I looked out the window at the valet parking attendant and smiled, putting the test in my pocket and grabbing my wallet. He gave me my ticket, and I tried to walk as slowly as I could manage across the courtyard and into the lobby. The front desk security was used to seeing me at that point, and he pressed a button on the desk, opening the doors to the penthouse elevators. I smiled and raced past the desk, climbing in the elevator and watching as the doors shut in front of me.
I looked up at the numbers above the door as they lit up and then fell dim again. My foot was tapping wildly against the floor, and I glanced over, catching the reflection of myself in the mirrored walls. I smoothed down my hair and wiped the crust from around my eyes, trying to make myself as presentable as possible. I sighed as I stuck my hand in my pocket and grasped onto the little test stick that floated around with a couple of pennies and a piece of lint.
When the elevator reached the top, I stood there as the doors slowly opened. I stepped out into the small waiting area and stared at Blaine’s front door. I felt frozen in place, and I wasn’t sure if I could even force myself to knock. I took off my gloves and shoved them in my empty pocket, smoothing down my wild hair and pulling at my sweatshirt. I stepped up to the door and pounded my fist against it, taking in a deep breath. It took him a minute to get there, but eventually, Blaine opened the door and looked out at me.
At that moment, I completely lost all of my brave.
Chapter 23