“God, don’t do that to yourself,” she said, shaking her head. “Don’t research shit like that. It’s really not that crazy, scary, or painful at all. Besides, you are not sixteen anymore. I distinctly remember that you and I bought those dildos at that sexy party thing we went to a few years back. Have you ever used it?”
“I have,” I said, blushing. “A couple of times.”
“Good,” she said. “Then unless he is like Mr. Horse Dong, it shouldn’t be painful at all. You might feel a bit awkward in the positioning of things. That is to be expected, but if you tell him ahead of time, then he should be able to take the lead. Don’t be afraid to go with your gut feeling when you are with him. If you want to touch him, touch him. If you want to let go and just feel everything, then do that. Sure, sex is about both of you and
the connection and passion, but this is your first time, so it’s all about you.”
“I want him to enjoy it, though,” I said nervously. “I don’t want to fumble all over him and make him regret it.”
“Trust me, he will enjoy it. He is a man.” She laughed.
Leena continued talking about her first time and giving me pointers on how to relax and not be so nervous, but my anxiety only grew stronger. I wanted this to be natural, not pushed or forced, and I wanted him to enjoy being with me as much as I would being with him. This was not only my first time, but our first time together, and after reading Vogue and how important sexual chemistry is to a relationship, I didn’t want to blow it because I didn’t know what I was doing. Awkward was okay with conversation, but it was not okay when it came to sex.
Blaine was a good guy. I had already figured that out after hours of us talking and laughing. He put his hand on my back when we stepped down off curbs, he led me through doorways, he opened doors for me, and he wrapped his arms around me and blocked the wind when we were out in the park. He did all these little things to make me feel comforted and cared about, and I knew it wouldn’t be any different when it came to having sex. Even though I knew he would be gentle and take care of me, I was still nervous as hell. A million thoughts ran through my mind. I didn’t want to be embarrassed, and although I never thought he would make me feel that way, I knew my own mind very well and knew that if anyone could embarrass me, it would be my own brain.
Having sex for the first time was a big deal, even if I was already almost twenty-four years old. I had kept it intact this long because I wanted it to be with the right guy, and although I didn’t know if Blaine and I were a forever kind of thing, I knew that he was the one I wanted to share this with. No matter how many times I reminded myself that he was a good guy, I was still terrified to tell him I was a virgin. What if he didn’t feel the same way about me that I did him? What if he thought taking my virginity was too much of a responsibility for him to handle?
I had been in non-serious relationships before, and they always turned out in a similar fashion. The guy did not want to wait for me, even though they started out the relationship saying they would. Those that did stick it out found it too much to be the one to take my virginity and ended up splitting before I even had the chance to make up my mind. I was terrified that I was going to reveal my secret to Blaine and he was going to take off, not wanting anything to do with something like that. Part of me was also scared that once he got laid, he wouldn’t be interested anymore, and although I knew that meant he wasn’t worthy from the start, I wasn’t ready to let this relationship go that quickly.
Why did sex have to be so complicated? Everything seems so damn stressful. However, I knew firsthand that not having sex made things just as complicated, just on a different level. Dating was such a mess, and I could see now why I stayed away from it for so long. However, there was no going back at this point. I was already smitten with Blaine and had made up my mind that I wanted to give my virginity to him. I wanted to be with him in more ways than just long talks and crazy laughter. My heart knew that it wanted to take things to the next level. I just wasn’t sure how to get my brain to go along with it all.
“You look nervous,” Leena said, taking a bite of her sandwich.
“I am,” I said, shaking my head. “There are so many unknowns about all of this, but that doesn’t change my decision. He is the guy I want to lose my virginity to, and I guess, in the end, I will just have to see what happens afterward. I mean, if he breaks my heart, I’ll survive. Everyone else does.”
“That is very true,” she said. “And I’ll be there to supply the vodka, ice cream, and chick flicks. But in all seriousness, if he really likes you as much as it sounds, I don’t think you have to worry about that.”
“I hope not,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “In reality, I have no idea what to expect out of any of it, but after I get through the first time, hopefully it’s a lot easier after that.”
“Oh, it is,” Leena responded. “You will get comfortable with your body and realize that you are in control of your sexuality. Your confidence over your body will spill out to your partners, and in no time, you will be a pro.”
“I don’t know if I want to be a pro.” I laughed.
“Yeah, that came out wrong.” She giggled. “I didn’t mean a ‘pro’ like a prostitute. I mean just comfortable enough to really enjoy sex with your partner. You got this, I promise. Stop worrying so much.”
I gave Leena a brave face, but in reality, I wasn’t feeling so brave on the inside. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so I pretended that her words gave me comfort and changed the subject to work, knowing she would go along with it. We had quite a bit to do when we got back, but we should be ready to get out of there by five at the latest. Then I could go home and drive myself crazy a little bit more, knowing that on Saturday I would be getting ready to make a huge change in both my personal life and my relationship with Blaine. Tomorrow night, I would lose my virginity.
Chapter 11
Blaine
I pushed my fork around on the table cloth in front of me, waiting for Reese to arrive. It wasn’t often that I was early, and I was starting to see that it was a good thing. I was still just as nervous to see her weeks later as I was on the second date when we had our very first adventure. Things had definitely progressed since then, and I was having the time of my life laughing and sharing things with Reese. I had to admit, it was a little difficult keeping my hands to myself, but I was hell-bent on respecting her wishes to wait on jumping into bed, and I even found it relatively refreshing, basing my feelings on her personality and not what was going on in the bedroom.
I was absolutely lusting over her, but it was more than just her body. It was everything about her. Just as the thought went through my mind, I looked up to see her walking into the restaurant. She looked amazing as usual, and tonight, she was wearing a long-sleeved, tight dress that was way shorter than normal, black stockings, black stilettos, and her hair was cascading over her shoulders. There was something about her I couldn’t put my finger on, but my mouth immediately dropped open.
“Wow,” I said, standing up and kissing her on the cheek. “You look absolutely amazing.”
“What? This old thing?” She laughed with rosy cheeks, and I couldn’t help but melt.
“How was your day?” I asked.
“It was good,” she said. “Relaxing and quiet.”
“Good,” I said. “I got some work done, worked out, and then watched a movie before I got ready. You have inspired me to do something relaxing at least once a day, every day.”
“It makes you feel better, doesn’t it?”
“It sure does,” I replied, reaching out and taking her hand. “And seeing you makes it even better.”